Youth Gone Mild

The family film. Something for the whole crew to enjoy. No awkward sex scenes to cross your legs at, pull your hair line over, or embarrassingly explain away. No curse words to scoff at or pretend you don't use, all the while cursing Stephen Spielberg under your penis breath for that "PG" rating on "Temple of Doom." What this family needs is an instant classic! Good, clean fun, for ages 1 thru 91. The Curator gives you now a triple feature sure to please all the children, older family members and most non-wacko religious relations. So pop some corn, dim the lights (but not too dim!) and celebrate your Ken doll's lack of a johnson. Not that we ever looked....

The Films: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Cloak and Dagger, A Christmas Story

Viewing order: Kiddie's choice! Let them fight it out while you shake your martini. Threaten bedtime if not resolved in 5 minutes.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (as long as you are not Evangelical anyway): Ol' Harry "Under-The-Stairs" Potter has lived a hard life these past 11 years. The unfairness of it all. But as all children know, no worthy child goes unrewarded. The meek shall inherit the middle-earth and receive an unexpected, full-ride scholarship complete with robe, wand, broom and board to the Ivy league-ist of all Witchcraft Junior High Schools. Wherein, you shall befriend two ugly duckling nerd friends, find out you are a prince among thieves and save the whole darn school from utter destruction while scoring extra points for your dorm, ace all your classes, and be a Sports Star to boot. Don't pinch me! I don't want to wake up!!

Cloak and Dagger: Henry Thomas, burned out at age 10 and making a hard right out of the "ET" fast lane, takes a roll in a more artsy film, opposite the ever-awesome Dabney Coleman, and cute nobody Christina Nigra. It’s a 1984 boy's ultra-fantasy world of spies and intrigue. His mother may be dead, his father may be absent, but thank god he's got the weird owner of an Atari store in a strip mall loner to look up too. At least somebody plays with the kid. When reality and fantasy mix though, watch out! To be sure, there are some dirty Russians out looking to take advantage of some hallucinating kid at every turn. The only way for Davey to be saved is to hope "hero fantasy dad" and "real absent dad" can somehow cross paths and save him from a life of borderline abusive drug use and art school.

A Christmas Story: It was the mid 80's; VHS was king, Madonna was queen, and all good children were expected to celebrate Christmas, at least while in school, regardless of race, color and creed. "Oh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge..... is the worst curse you'll hear throughout this gem of a family flick. The other "F" word is implied though, so have your thesaurus at the ready! All little Ralphie wants is a Red Ridder BB gun for Xmas. All dad wants is a light-up sexy lamp leg. All mom wants is some peace and flippin' quiet, and all little brother wants is to never have to eat dinner again. Oh the 40's. As depicted by the 80's. All-American at the core, it's really just about gettin' a gun to defend your naïve family. Watch it with yer outta state relatives, and then join the NRA.

Rated G: for a Goddamn Good Time Had By Mother Fuckin' All!

Buddy Buddy

The Buddy Movie. 2 guys from different worlds, against all odds, thrown into the fray, somehow learning to work together, defeat the bad guys, and become friends at the end. Inspiration? Oh yeah. Taking a day off work of scouring the dollar video bins, and the #1 double feature of the day is:

Tango & Cash, Rush Hour 2: the two finest examples of Buddy Cop movies to grace the Curator's shelves.

Tango & Cash - Tango, played by Mr. Sly "Rambo is a Pussy" Stallone, kicks the film off by doing some major wrong to bad ass coke mover Jack Palance somewhere in the California desert. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, enter Tango, the fluffy, feather-haired Kurt Russell, who simultaneously busts another of Jack's crimes. Jack vows to, "Do something" about our fair cops Tango & Cash, who are always foiling his evil plans. Is this some kind of police teamwork you ask? Oh no, Tango & Cash are at odds. They are each far too bad ass to work with a partner. As their own chief of police states, it's the "Downtown Clown versus the Beverly Hills Wop." Touché.

But what is Jack up too? Some diabolical scheme to put an end to these do-gooders? But not death! They mustn’t be killed. That's too easy. Beat them at their own game, and pin a crime on them, ruin their cred. One shoddy audio tape later along with some planted guns, and fast forward to the trial.

Things are not going Tango & Cash's collective way. Turns out they may have to cop a plea to get out of this one. And another mistake! They somehow got put in general population at a hard time prison. Oh shit. This ain't Club Fed; torture, and beat downs, you better fuckin’ believe it. The whole damn system is corrupt, so much that the only way out is escape. And when T & C are out, someone is gonna have to pay.

Out they get, at first reverting back to their lone wolf ways, trying to solve this puzzle on their own, won't they ever learn? They may be sworn enemies secretly desiring to hate fuck*, but only by working together will they crack this one, and redeem their valors. Action packin', hot sister a dancin', walk in on fake misunderstood sex a havin' scenes lead up to each guy getting to drive his own power vehicle, side by side, through the bad guys' warehouse. How to end it after all that? Nothing will do but a classic high-five hand clap still to fade out into newspaper photograph of redeemed heroes. Awesome!!!

*see gratuitous prison shower scene complete with soap bar drop preceded by expected penis-size joke

Rush Hour 2
Rush Hour 1 = perfectly honed mass consumption masterpiece. Why fuck with the formula? The unlikely pairing of Chinese and Black guy cops, worlds apart, are reunited, again, for more high-larity.

Chris joins Jackie in Hong Kong for some relaxing fun. Jackie promises to show him a good time, but damn it! Work is always interfering! And what new danger do they face in version 2: A hot chick in a wig, blowing up buildings.

We can always count on kung fu madness to break out at any given moment when traipsing with Jackie through the Buddy Comedy landscape, and treated we are: Hong Kong massage parlor, rich guy’s yacht, and all the way to Chinese-themed Las Vegas casino. They were supposed to be on vacation though! How unfair the world, but what a chance for more hilarious cultural misunderstandings to ensue! What better way to enjoy racial-misunderstandings-light, then to have a yellow and a black make fun of themselves! Black man making fun of yellow man’s penis size. Yellow man making fun of black man’s earlier reference to never touching a black man’s radio. As our hero Chris Tucker states, behind every big crime is a “Rich White Guy,” so too, Hollywood Action Movie. Ah the magic of the moving picture!

True Love and Dating Advice – Leçons de l'amour from the 1980’s

Relationship on the rocks? Love life gone awry? Spending too many Saturday nights alone, washing your hair? Well, dear reader, you have not done your homework. Everything you need to know to have a successful love life you should have learned long ago, in the mid-1980’s.

Examples you ask? But of course! The three most important lessons of the successful love affair can be learned, right here, from:

The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Crocodile Dundee

Lesson 1 - You CAN TOO Change Someone (The Breakfast Club)

Stereotypes are very easy to overcome. High school cliques are only as powerful as the kids who believe in them, so let's break down these walls! All we need is a little pot to lose our inhibitions. Jocks aren't so bad! They feel as sensitively as the nerds do. The bad guy isn't really so "bad" either, in fact, he may even sacrifice himself for the good of everyone else! And people really care about each other! Even though all your actual high school experience may tell you differently, all you need is 8 hours locked in a room together, some drugs, a couple of tears, and some soul searching confessions, and everyone can work out 100 years of high school clique programming. And fall in love. If the object of your desire doesn’t appear to be changing, you really must not be trying hard enough. When all else fails, blame yourself. And try again.

Lesson 2 - Looks Are Everything (Desperately Seeking Susan)

A makeover can, and WILL change everything about your life, because looks are everything. Think your life is boring and unexciting? Well, there’s nothing a quick shopping spree won’t fix. Got your eye on a snazzy, second-hand jacket? Go ahead with that purchase young lady. And what’s this in my pocket - a mysterious key? Well, open your heart to me, crazy black jacket, and let’s see what sort of alter ego we can collaboratively come up with. Whoops! Now I’ve got amnesia! Darn it all. But luckily, I found a suitcase full of crap, black eyeliners, and stolen jewelry, so I can become my own hero: a crazy, flighty, punk rock slut with an affinity for being in the wrong place at the right time. A few misadventures later, and I’ve become Madonna’s best friend, ditched the boring suburban life, and found me the man of my dreams. Thank you, accidental make-over!!

Lesson 3 - Opposites Attract = Smart Dating Advice (Crocodile Dundee)

Bored Newspaper heiress seeks adventure “down under.” Wanted: Craggily faced native for long walk-a-bouts, near death experience by ‘gator, and long, simplistic musings under the light of the Australian moon, eventually ending up in a gratuitous SECOND “fish-out-of-water scenario” in New York City.

Just because you and your new soul mate come from different worlds doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dive head first into the shallow end, attempting to prove everyone else wrong. By all means. What we know from extensive analysis of Crocodile Dundee is this: every major life change one undertakes will end happily. Love conquers all. All you need is love. As long as you are in love, you'll always have a happy ending with a complete stranger after hangin' in the bush for 2 days. And dont be afraid to kick off your shoes, chase down your loved one through the streets of Manhattan, and participate in a romantic, modern-day game of "telephone" in a crowded subway.

Lesson recap: Try to change someone, looks are everything, and happy endings are real. Follow this advice. Follow it to the end, to the death! You will never be disappointed, and your life will be filled with joy. Now go forth, and love someone. Hard.

Rag Tag Technology vs. Impending Doom

Americans. They are nothing if not resourceful, resolute, and unafraid to look like assholes. Say there is some sort of horrible disaster on the brink of destroying all mankind, like an F-5 tornado, or a meteor the size of Manhattan on a collision course with Earth. Who you gonna call? Not the National Weather Service, NASA or the US Government, for Pete’s sake, but a smarmy bunch of fringe individuals banded together by the common cause of saving the entire region and/or planet with MacGyver type tools, a strong work-ethic, and a can-do attitude. Praise Ye the Lord!!

The Films: Twister, Armageddon

View order importance: Watch in order of escalating disaster potential

Twister: Tornados….the Midwesterner’s worst enemy. Since the dawn of human understanding, when The Wizard of Oz premiered way back in 1939, man has been drawn to and repelled by, fast swirling dusts and winds. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton star together, at last, in the sexiest thriller of the year. Oh, the passion....it almost hurts to watch, as what they feel for each other is beautifully, visually paralleled by the very storm they hunt....as tumultuous is an angry tornado, so is their relationship. They orbit each other, in a dance both elegant and ugly, at once serene, at once ferocious.

Sadly, Bill and Helen are on the verge of divorce, it fact all but one paper is signed. They must band together for one last tornado hunt, utilizing "The Dorothy," the ultimate in tornado understanding machinery. It’s a race against Cary Elwes who's SO obviously only in it for the money, not for the Science. "He's got all the technology but none of the instincts," mumbles sleepy Bill, in his perfected hick accent. Not to mention, this one will somehow bring back Helen's dad, who was, of course, killed by a tornado. That one event, is indeed fueling Helen's fire, to understand, and take revenge on, destructive winds. They can’t raise the dead it seems, but they can save most everyone in the town, something Mr. "Has Got All the Technology" can't manage to do. Dick.

Can they ever again find the passion they once had for storms, and each other? If only they can reconcile their differences in storm hunting. The Curator doesn't want to ruin the end, but....all signs point to yes, that somehow, they will find a way, to be together, again.

Armageddon: The Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer magnum opus. Whenever the Curator reflects on the Bay/Bruckheimer collaboration, the two of them are imagined sitting around a kitchen table at 2 am, drunk on Coors Light and Goldschlager, wives asleep upstairs. Perhaps they are at a family ski retreat, somewhere near Big Bear Mountain. Both wear pinch-rolled acid wash jeans, reindeer sweaters, thick white cotton socks, with shoes removed. Many papers are scattered on the table top, Aerosmith plays (quietly, don’t wake the wives!) on a boom box in the background. There is a whole lot of hushed tones and high-fiving to accompany the exclamations of “DUDE, get this….” and “That is SO awesome! I’ve always wanted to make a movie with Bruce Willis drilling in space!” and “We rule MAN!” Notes are scribbled, check books opened, and the world hence subject to the master works of Bay & Bruckheimer. As it should be.

NASA has discovered a massive meteor is hurtling through space, and about to impact earth in 18 days. Best plan? Drill a hole through said meteor, plant a nuclear devise, and get the Christ out of there. Plan is then presented to Bruce Willis, captain of the raggedy, taggediest bunch of yahoos ever to set drill in ocean bottom. Willis himself says, “This is the best plan you can come up with? You guys are the smartest guys in the world, and this is it?” Indeed. But Bruce won’t let us down. Training for surly men begins, complete with psycho analysis, gravity-free training and the like, and off they go. But not before a tearful goodbye between the two best looking oil rig company employees the world will ever see. Sure enough, things go bad. But a father’s love is not to be denied. He’ll sacrifice himself for not only his daughter’s happiness, but for the good of us all. He saved the whole planet single handedly! Make sure you stay tuned following the credits for the creepiest, cheesiest, lamest, awesome-ist Aerosmith video of all freakin’ time.

Grade: D+ for Disasteriffic!

Can't Get No Respect

The Films:
The Color of Money, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
A back-to-back mentor bitch slap!

Just when you think your surly pupils couldn't get anymore ungrateful for all your sacrifices, they betray you and beat you at your own game. And try to kill you. Sons-a-bitches.....

One teaches by pool cue, one by light saber, but the story is the same. Where Fast Eddie says, "Money won is twice as sweet as money earned," Vince Lauria and Anakin Skywalker would simultaneously whine, "But it's thrrreeeeee times as AWESOME when you use your mentor’s best moves to trick him, take the easy route through the pool hall/the dark side and THEN win ANYWAY showing all the haters who doubted that I am really SO much better than stupid old meany-pants! That’ll show him not to misunderestimate me again!"

These damn kids, so smug about their "powers," letting their egos get in the way of peace, justice, The Force, and pool hustling. A little humility for the greater good, can we? But no! Whether it’s the short term pay off of 20 bucks in the pocket, or turning to the dark side....sighs....these Senseis get no respect!

Viewing order: Either/or

The Color of Money: Paul Newman sees in Tom Cruise his younger self, an eager, haughty, yet talented 9-Ball player. His hair is perfect, as is his game. What he lacks is discipline, and a wee sense of modesty, all things that Fast Eddie Felson can teach him on a whirlwind, desperate-bid-at-the-fountain-of-youth, pool hall road-trip. If only Vince would play along! Has he learned nothing? Ooooh he’s so smug! Flashing that talent around, showing off. When Eddie gets schooled by Forest Whitaker in front of Vince, the relationship falls apart. There is then a very exciting Battle of the Cues in Atlantic City, where Fast Eddie is at first vindicated by winning the match. Respect your elders, Vince! But that damn kid comes back and throws money in Eddie’s face! Claiming to have “thrown the game.” DAMN IT! How can this never ending cycle be resolved? Eh, let’s hit the road again together.

Moral: Youthful showoffs triumph over old fogey.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith: It’s been a couple years or so since Anakin got it on legally, albeit secretly, with Padme. Now knockin’ the boots on a semi-regular basis, he turns his dissatisfactory nature to feeling under appreciated at the office. And who is most responsible? Obi-Wan of course. For all he ever did was raise him like a son, teach him everything he knows, and support him for the last 10 years. What a dick!! Anakin is SOOOO sick of Obi-Wan bossing him around, and decides his only way out is a short cut to the top, via the Dark Side Super-Highway. And since you always hurt the ones you love, Obi-Wan has got to go. Light saber Battle Royale ensues on hell-like planet somewhere near the outer rim. Both warriors constantly claim their skill is superior to the other, but Obi-Wan declares victory, claiming he has the “higher ground.” But Anakin shows him. Never mind his lack of legs, arms and skin. Dude gets remade into the biggest, baddest, blackest half man, half robot that side of the Milky Way, and Obi-Wan has to go kick it in the deserts of Tatooine for the next 20 years, drowning his sorrows in the dive bars of Mos Eisley, again the reluctant father.

Moral: The high road leads to a long fall. Live fast, burn young, and become a bad ass.

Grade: F for Fuckin’ Ungrateful Brats!!

Disaster on the High Sea!

The Films: Titanic, U-571, The Poseidon Adventure (1972), Jaws

Nary a video library would be complete without the requisite collection of PERIOD DISASTER FILMS with a focus on water-related catastrophe. Sit back, relax, shovel the chum, and enjoy the misery of others forced to confront their worst fears and inadequacies in times of stress.

Viewing order importance: Suggested as above; it’s really nice to follow the intended period progression of the films. Have some respect.

Titanic: The mother of all water disasters can be upstaged by nothing....other than Leo Dicaprio's fierce, undying love. The force of the love vapors emanating from his “passion” are strong enough to both sink, and raise, ships. An entertaining disaster film effectively ruined by the horrendously predictable boy-meets-girl story. But…that sweaty hand print on the window of the car during the beautiful, intensely meaningful love-making of Jack and Rose really does "get me every time." If you know what I mean.
But James Cameron got his in the end.
Literally.

U-571: "His body is gonna save our lives," drawls master and commander Matthew McConaughey, as he shoots Jon Bon Jovi out of a missile tube into the North Atlantic. Under McConaughey’s skillful guidance, we finally get to see Bill Paxton die. And Tom Guiry. And a bunch of Nazi jerk-offs. And pretty much the rest of the crew. Harvey Keitel gets really sweaty, but survives, one of the most un-exciting Submarine disaster movies of all time.

Poseidon Adventure: It must be stated that the Curator loves Gene Hackman, especially the 1970's, tight-shirted, intense Gene as unconventional preacher. The ill-fated boat tips over when a "rouge wave" hits right as the ball drops. Thankfully it stays afloat long enough for a 2 hour action-dramedy to ensue. Complete with plenty of angry, red-faced confrontation between Ernest Borgnine and Gene, who eventually gives his own life to save a young Pamela Sue Martin. The early years of Dynasty would never have been the same without her, had she not survived the Poseidon Adventure. God bless you and your sacrifice Gene!

Jaws: It is really a shame that Roy Scheider hasn’t been around much these days. (though according to IMDB he never really left.) The New Jersey native is perfectly matched against an ultra-killer shark. It may seem at first that the 2 foes have too much in common to really hate each other: smooth white skin, winning smiles, an impeccable sense of style, and top notch scoring in the sack. But if there is anything we have learned from Dollar Video History, there can only be one hot shot in a given 2 hour time slot. Sorry Jawsie, you're going down. Smile you son of a bitch!

Alexander Godunov, Co-Star Extraordinaire

The Films: Witness, The Money Pit

Viewing Order: Either/Or

The short co-starring career of Alexander Godunov was abruptly brought to an end one sad morning in 1995, when he succumbed to a sweet, numbing, alcohol related syndrome. The Dollar Video Curator can relate. But who weeps for Alexander Godunov?

Whether as the egomaniacal, awesome maestro in The Money Pit, or the humble Amish, barn-building Daniel in Witness, Godunov gave you his all, blond hair softly floating in contrast to his rough, angular face. He may have reached greater stardom as Karl, the semi-psychopathic terrorist in the critically acclaimed Die Hard, but the Curator chooses to celebrate Godunov as Co-Star Extraordinaire: emotional, understated, on the sideline, explosive.

Witness - Gaze past Harrison Ford and who do we see there in the background, waiting to steal the show? Yes, that's Viggo Mortenson, but behind him? Godunov the Great, as Simple Amish Man. No buttons for him, he's not proud like that. But he's waited long enough for Kelly McGillis, through husband, death and mourning. Not even Harrison can stand in the way of his raw, animal need. Godunov wants him some of that strange.

The Money Pit - Now Godunov plays the only man standing between true happiness for Shelley Long and Tom Hanks. Their struggle to re-build their shitty house reflects, yes, the struggle of maintaining their relationship. The obstacles? Not rotten wood, horny plumbers or a lack of running water, but Godunov, the statuesque symbol of 1980’s perfection: blond, foreign and rich. Even when performing the unrealistic task of attempting to lure away the dumpy Shelley Long, Godunov gives us his all. Fortunately for him, she marries Hanks in the end.

Alexander Godunov lives on as Co-Star Extraordinaire, not soon forgotten by the Dollar Video Curator.

The Lone Terrorist

The Films: Speed, In the Line of Fire, Arlington Road

The terrorists want you to be afraid. But once you succumb to fear, they have already won. Don't let the terrorists, lone or otherwise, win. The only thing we have to fear is bad, melodramatic acting.

Viewing order importance: Low. Getting there is half the battle.

Speed: Pop quiz hotshot. You have Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock and Jeff Daniels in the fight of their lives against a crazy ex-cop on a speeding bus. What do you do...what do you do? Keanu in his seminal roll against the big bad bus (and the big bad elevator and the big bad train.) The film that launched a thousand parodies, and as unfortunate, Sandra Bullock's career.

In the Line of Fire: Eastwood vs. Malcovich. Good vs. Evil. Crazy vs. cah-razy! Malcovich is the stereotypical genius whack-job vexed by the Pres., and Eastwood is his equal as the salty old fart who can't get over his past failure. Watch it if only to hear Clint say "You've got a rendezvous with my ass!"

Arlington Road: The lone terrorist. That's what they WANT you to believe. Tim Robbins ain't no sucka. He's got a whole army of nut-jobs working to bring down the government. He'll just pin it on the poor Jeff Bridges, in a mopey, paranoid roll. As far as the Dollar Video Curator is concerned, he set himself up to be the fall guy. The Dude abides.

Grade: B for (its the) Bomb Baby!

Good cop/Bad cop/Good cop/Bad cop

The Films: Serpico, Usual Suspects, Bullitt, Face-Off

In any movie police scenario, the classic interrogation technique, "Good Cop/Bad Cop" is a necessity. Why would you sit down to watch a quadrilogy of police movies any other way?

Viewing order importance: Mid to High. Watch in any Good Cop/Bad Cop alternating order. Feel free to punch yourself in the face, sweat it out under the hot light and then reward yourself with a cup of shitty coffee throughout.

Serpico: Good cop Serpico ultimately triumphs against the all bad police force of the NYPD. Dressed like a stinkin' hippie under-cover cop, he refuses to take the money, and the whole force turns on him. No good dead goes unpunished.

Usual Suspects: Ultra-villain Dean Keaton is a bad-cop-turned-capitalist-with-a-heart-of-gold who gets sucked in for the classic "one last job". Gets framed as ultra-ultra villain Kaiser Soze while Kevin Spacey limps off into the sunset.

Bullitt: Steve McQueen as good cop Bullitt against the corrupt politicians and Mafia boogie men of San Francisco. It was to be a simple assignment, but it goes awry. Contains car-chase awesomeness.

Face-Off: Good cop/bad cop/good cop/bad cop, etc. Impossible plastic surgery techniques pave the way for face switching. Hide your identity! Trick all sides! The ultimate in under-cover police work, until the bad guy figures out how to do it too. Which is good? Which is bad? Also, Joan Allen gets laid by Nicholas Cage in John Travolta's body. Brrr......

Rated PG for Please God! More cop movies!