Tom Cruise and the Need for Speed: A Photo Essay

Tom Cruise is no co-star. Well, technically, Tom Cruise is no actor. More of a carbon-based, overly opinionated, animated object which perpetuates the ability to grunt and sweat on cue. Rest assured, The Curator is not even about to start singing the praises of Tom “My entire faith structure is based on the ghosts of aliens that have been melted in volcanoes, and how to go about getting them to not latch on to my psyche” Cruise.

Nay, but there is one enjoyable aspect about the career of Tom. It is a little-known clause that appears somewhere near-ish the middle of every one of his contracts. Somewhere below section 22, which requires Scientology conversion tents on every film set he participates in, and just above section 24, "Craft Services Demands," where he professes his love of Mayonnaise, the most American of all condiments, lays paragraph 23(b)(iii), otherwise known as “The Stallion Clause.”

If you haven’t yet noticed this particular aspect of every film featuring Mr. Cruise, you clearly do not have enough time on your hands. Be that as it may, you will be hard pressed to find a film featuring our Tommy that does not feature at least one scene with Cruise racing down the street/sidewalk/staircase, nostrils a-flarin’, in hot pursuit of bad guys/wife/aliens, and away from his own delusional nature.

Case in point:

Minority Report

War of the WorldsThe Firm

Collateral

Vanilla Sky

Mission: Impossible III

Last Samurai

The Stallion may also manifest itself in an acceptable speed substitute, preferably a large piece of machinery or beast that will read as a stand-in for Cruise himself:

With such consistency in the evidence laid out before us, we can only conclude that Tom is literally "running from something," both professionally and personally. Art imitates life, no? Not that we would ever speculate about such a thing.

Your Key to Easy Physical Transformation

Hey, how you doin’ on those New Year's Resolutions? Kickin’ ass? Already flaked out? Well, the Curator is proud to announce that we are already well on the way to exceeding our personal resolution of buying and watching more dollar video tapes. Of course, everyone can't be as determined. Might we suggest an easy, quickie fix? Something that can be done in as little as an hour, and shouldn’t take more than an afternoon? However can I improve myself, my reputation, and my love life so quickly, you ask? Why a make-over, of course. But I wouldn’t even know where to start, you say? Well, help and inspiration are all around you:

Grease, Can't Buy Me Love, Jawbreaker

Those who lack self-loathing need not apply.

Grease – The classic High School Make-Over Movie from which all others sprang.

Leader of the Pack Danny Zuko and sweet Girl from Down-Under Sandy Ollson have nothing in common. Nothing other than all those crazy, lusty, summer nights. But every Summer has a Fall, where they are thrust into the cruel world of High School Clique Expectations. Their undying love flounders. Can they somehow overcome? Well duh, as long as someone completely changes their personality to more appropriately match the other. And their wardrobe. Might we suggest black?

Director Randal Kleiser attempts to show, in that final, fateful scene, that both parties end up changing for each other, by showing Danny has "lettered" in track. But that’s a pile. What all good-girls learned from this film is that the only way to get that bad-boy to notice you is to paint on some shiny black pants and take up smoking. Danny doesn't run off with flouncey, boppy, cheerleader Patty Simcox now does he? Hell. No.

Can't Buy Me Love - A rare male make-over movie, and not to be missed. What happens when you mix bad 80’s fashion, a glass of wine, a pathetic dork and a Tucson house party? A recipe for hi-larity!

Poor Patrick Dempsey is quite a loser, working in the hot Arizona sun, saving money to buy a telescope, and lusting after popular girl-next-door, Cindy Mancini. Having the realization that he can only gain the attention and affection of said girl by bribing her into being his girlfriend, he decides to invest in his reputation, rather than his mind. And guess what? It works!!

Of course, all that popularity power eventually goes to his head, as first he gains, and then quickly loses, it all. Patrick and Cindy both learn a valuable lesson in the end though, as together they slowly, and literally, sludge off into the sunset on a riding lawn mower: It's good to be the King.

Jawbreaker - Say you can’t find a friend to make you over, or are short on hush money. How to get yourself some leverage with the popular kids? Well, have you considered blackmail?

Little Fern Mayo is the geekiest girl in town. She is also obsessed with beautiful popular chick Liz, and is always trying to figure out ways to be her friend. She positions herself to view some no-no’s by heading over to Liz’s to stalk her, and witnesses Liz’s murder by her best friends instead. Rather than tell the cops however, Fern sees an opportunity. In return for her silence, she gets the hot girls to transform her dorky self into a stylish and beautiful exchange student named Vylette. Now she’s hot, and she’s got it all. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Conclusion:

The overwhelming lesson of the make-over movie is that you must physically change for the object of your affection to pay any sort of attention to you. This is of course true, but there is another very important lesson to be learned: the resources for said make-over are available all around you! This shouldn’t be something you have to attempt on your own. As long as you have some slutty friends, a few expendable bills, or the will to partake in a bit of good old-fashioned blackmail, the possibilities are endless! So get yourself a make-over today. Mental betterment? Please. Who are you trying to kid? Only yourself sucker, only yourself.

Special Guest Curator! - Highly Unlikely asks, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

(Note from the Curator – The Curator’s movie shelves have become so overwrought with video tapes that our screening area has become compromised. Our physical location is being moved this week, and the Curator is otherwise occupied, carefully, individually, wrapping each of our valued cassette tapes tenderly in bubble wrap. Enjoy this post from our very special guest curator, Highly Unlikely. Next week, New Year’s Resolutions!)

Gilda: WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Do you have a movie that you saw years ago that still holds a place in your heart and is near the top of your list as "Favorite Movies?" Mine is Gilda. When I joined Netflix it was one of the first movies I rented. Could hardly wait to see it again. I should have kept it as a memory.

We first see Glenn Ford, known in the movie as Johnnie, (what else), on his knees in a crap game south of the border. He wins a wad and is dumb enough to walk down the street counting his loot. Naturally he is soon surrounded by thugs ready to relieve him of his winnings. He beats them off without even losing his hat in the scuffle, when out the the blue a dude who obviously doesn't belong in the neighborhood walks up to Johnnie and invites him to his Casino.

Next time we see Johnnie he is in this posh poker palace looking slightly less scruffy than he did on the street. Still on a winning streak, Johnnie makes enough money to make the dealer nervous and he is sent to the principal’s office to account for himself. Seems the principal/casino owner is the same guy who asked Johnnie to come to the Casino in the first place. (Big surprise!) After a work over by the body guards, Johnnie gets his own back by knocking out the chief body guard who subsequently becomes his best friend and the Casino owner not only hires Johnnie, he puts him in charge of the place.

Now Johnnie is dressed to the nines and walking around as if he owns the place. After all, he's the manager, and the boss trusts him so much he has taken off on a vacation. Back from his mysterious trip the Boss has a big surprise for Johnnie. He has a brand new wife who is Johnnies' brand new ex. The tension builds to minus zero.

Now the true character of the Boss is revealed. As if we didn't already know. One look at this guy and you know he's either a smuggler or a Nazi. Anyway to make a short story long, the Boss gets his just desserts and Johnnie and Gilda have a clear field to do whatever they do.

This movie had everything: handsome leading man, gorgeous leading lady, jealous husband, sexual tension up the Kazoo, atmosphere (mostly fog) and was about as dramatic as "Leave it to Beaver."

But that's just me.

Realty school teaches location, location, location. If film makers want their films to wear well they should remember, writers, writers, writers,

See ya,

Highly Unlikely

James Rebhorn Again

James Who-horn you ask?

The Curator has so many movies with this guy in it, it’s rather ridiculous. Let's put it this way: what HASN'T he done, who HASN'T he co-starred opposite? 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon our ass.

Most importantly, we have yet to actually see him in a starring role, and he therefore qualifies to appear in the Curator’s Co-star Hall of Fame. And what a Hall-of-Famer he is! Tall and gangly, with a sparkly tinge of mean in the eye, James shines most strong at playing domineering fathers, clever villains, stuffy lawyers and sneaky politicians with an agenda of their own. His receding hair line and hook nose make him the perfect receptacle to dump all your dislike into, thus saving your good graces for the starring celebs. Once again, a taken-for-granted talent bubbles to the top of the Curator’s melting-pot shelves of video. Let us discuss the many roles of The Talented Mr. Rebhorn.

Check him out: The Game, The Talented Mr. Ripley, & Independence Day

Viewing Order Importance: “W”

The Game

“Admit to yourself it sounds intriguing.”

James cuts a fabulously tricky figure in The Game, starring as a company rep for Consumer Recreation Services. Here James has the important role of explaining to the most moronic of viewer the very plot of the movie, with a smile, wink and nudge. When Michael Douglas repeats back the question, “I feel guilty when I masturbate,” our James replies, “Hey I don’t write the questions. I just analyze the answers,” so nonchalantly you wouldn’t even mind him analyzing your own masturbations. When the tables are turned, his true character is revealed, the simpering “it’s not my fault” guy, who leads Michael back to the scene of the crime, as it were. He is enjoyable to the very end, with his finale being the embodiment of “that wacky party guy,” hamming it up and dancing the night away at the wrap party, pointy hat and all.

The Talented Mr. Ripley

“There’s female intuition, and then there’s fact.”

Our James here is a rich, self important man who abhors his son Jude Law’s lifestyle. Where son likes Italy, jazz, boating and a life of sexual promiscuity ease, dad feels that may be somewhat irresponsible. Hence, he enlists the help of Matt Damon, a young man who is everything his own son ain’t. Dad has no problem funding THIS kid’s lifestyle however, providing him the means to track down and live it up with son, till things go bad with son anyway. The not nearly as talented Matt pulls the wool over practically everybody’s eyes, less the lovely Gwennth Paltrow. Our James though, ever the man’s man, puts Gwenny and her “intuition” in their place, lets Matt off the hook, and neatly wraps up his role by continuing to fund the partying lifestyle of Mr. Ripley.

Independence Day

“That’s not exactly true.”

In the film titled after the most sacred day of the American year, Rebhorn plays the Secretary of Defense opposite Bill Pullman as President. The Curator doesn’t know how the rest of you feel about Bill Pullman as Prez btw, but we venture to say Pullman is about as presidential as Dennis Kucinich. However, we digress.

The aliens are set to completely destroy all earthlings here, unless humans can somehow band together for one big hurrah. Rebhorn plays Albert Nimziki, a former CIA officer and the current Secretary of Defense. James really takes it for the team here, having been cast as the least like-able character outside of the aliens, including Randy Quaid, the drunk, redneck, dumb-ass crop duster. But that’s what our James is for, really. His suggestions are not taken to heart, he is fired near the end of the movie, and concludes his screen time by saying “I’m not Jewish.” Too which he is responded with, “Nobody’s perfect.”

Love him or leave him, but respect the Rebhorn, he’s pretty dang good at it what he does.

Rated: Double R for Rebhorn Rulez!