Youth Gone Mild

The family film. Something for the whole crew to enjoy. No awkward sex scenes to cross your legs at, pull your hair line over, or embarrassingly explain away. No curse words to scoff at or pretend you don't use, all the while cursing Stephen Spielberg under your penis breath for that "PG" rating on "Temple of Doom." What this family needs is an instant classic! Good, clean fun, for ages 1 thru 91. The Curator gives you now a triple feature sure to please all the children, older family members and most non-wacko religious relations. So pop some corn, dim the lights (but not too dim!) and celebrate your Ken doll's lack of a johnson. Not that we ever looked....

The Films: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Cloak and Dagger, A Christmas Story

Viewing order: Kiddie's choice! Let them fight it out while you shake your martini. Threaten bedtime if not resolved in 5 minutes.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (as long as you are not Evangelical anyway): Ol' Harry "Under-The-Stairs" Potter has lived a hard life these past 11 years. The unfairness of it all. But as all children know, no worthy child goes unrewarded. The meek shall inherit the middle-earth and receive an unexpected, full-ride scholarship complete with robe, wand, broom and board to the Ivy league-ist of all Witchcraft Junior High Schools. Wherein, you shall befriend two ugly duckling nerd friends, find out you are a prince among thieves and save the whole darn school from utter destruction while scoring extra points for your dorm, ace all your classes, and be a Sports Star to boot. Don't pinch me! I don't want to wake up!!

Cloak and Dagger: Henry Thomas, burned out at age 10 and making a hard right out of the "ET" fast lane, takes a roll in a more artsy film, opposite the ever-awesome Dabney Coleman, and cute nobody Christina Nigra. It’s a 1984 boy's ultra-fantasy world of spies and intrigue. His mother may be dead, his father may be absent, but thank god he's got the weird owner of an Atari store in a strip mall loner to look up too. At least somebody plays with the kid. When reality and fantasy mix though, watch out! To be sure, there are some dirty Russians out looking to take advantage of some hallucinating kid at every turn. The only way for Davey to be saved is to hope "hero fantasy dad" and "real absent dad" can somehow cross paths and save him from a life of borderline abusive drug use and art school.

A Christmas Story: It was the mid 80's; VHS was king, Madonna was queen, and all good children were expected to celebrate Christmas, at least while in school, regardless of race, color and creed. "Oh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge..... is the worst curse you'll hear throughout this gem of a family flick. The other "F" word is implied though, so have your thesaurus at the ready! All little Ralphie wants is a Red Ridder BB gun for Xmas. All dad wants is a light-up sexy lamp leg. All mom wants is some peace and flippin' quiet, and all little brother wants is to never have to eat dinner again. Oh the 40's. As depicted by the 80's. All-American at the core, it's really just about gettin' a gun to defend your naïve family. Watch it with yer outta state relatives, and then join the NRA.

Rated G: for a Goddamn Good Time Had By Mother Fuckin' All!