Blast to the Near Future - Life Sucks

Ever have one of those days? Wake up grumpy, the whole world seems against you, that time clock ticks slowly by, the world seeming bleaker with every second? Well take heart that your life ain’t so bad. The cliché holds that it could be worse. Why, take for example how shitty your life would be if the planet you lived on was completely covered with water, or if life was so bad on the surface of the planet you had to live underground, near the core of the earth? What if you had a tyrannical authority figure with delusions of grandeur to contend with, constantly talking about how great life will be, if ever on dry land, or actually on the earth's surface, or living in a world free from Saddam Hussein? One that constantly promises a better life, a happy future, only to have your hopes dashed with the grinding reality of day to day existence?

Next time you have one of those unexplainably shitty days, dust off the old VCR player and your box scratched VHS versions of Waterworld and The Matrix 2.

Viewing order importance: What do you care? Life sucks either way.

Waterworld

The harsh, harsh Waterworld of Kevin Costner consists of roughin' it on a boat in the middle of the never-ending ocean. He's wrinkled, sun burned and drinkin' his own pee. And also growing fruit with his own pee. And then some other dude steals his pee grown fruit.

Dry land is a myth, and dirt is worth more than gold. It's very dangerous to live in the Waterworld. People are constantly trying to kill each other for reasons unknown. There is also an unexplainable amount of fire on the Waterworld, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Wouldn't it seem the last thing you should have to worry about on the Waterworld is fire? Drowning, sharks, mold, incessantly pruned fingers, yes. Fire? Not so much. And they are all so flippin’ dirty. How can they be so dirty with so much water around? Yes, it's salt water, but one could still wash with it. And everyone has really dry, chapped lips and skanky hair.

Yes, life does indeed suck on the Waterworld. They scavenge trash and drift around on the water, dying of thirst, boredom and starvation, looking to trade their scavenged trash for other trash. Survival is all there really is to this life, but honestly what is the point? Granted, there are still a couple good looking broads here and there, Jeanne Tripplehorn for one, fair barmaid and schlepper of water.

Unfortunately for Kev, Jeanne comes saddled with a child, none other than Tina Majorino (Deb, Napoleon Dynamite). Young Deb apparently has a map to the mythical dry land tattooed on her back, so all sort of baddies are out to get her. Now Kev has to protect the kid as well as himself, if he wants to keep one of the only hot women on all the Waterworld.

And that's pretty much it. Life undoubtedly sucks on the Waterworld.

The Matrix Reloaded

A one word explanation of why life sucks: Zion. The people living outside of the Matrix seem to think that Zion is paradise, but they are obviously suffering from a highly delusional state, induced by extreme lack of anything to do, outside of talk about "how great" everything will be "someday" if the "chosen one" ever bothers to "show the fuck up already and put an end to those goddamn machines."

A typical Zionist day:

6:30 am – Wake up stewing in own sweat, give thanks to Oracle for blessed day.

6:45 am – Get dressed in handmade, modern, stylish, white Zion fashions.

7:00 am - Eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

8:00 am - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for the very existence of Morpheous, without whom, all would be lost.

9:00 am – Arrive at Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 3 hours, hoping a ship or two requests access.

12:00 pm – Gather around the “Chosen One’s” place of residence with homemade baked goods. Wait for his arrival. No show.

1:00 pm – Return to Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 4 more hours, secretly wishing for Machine attack to alleviate boredom.

5:00 pm – T.O.I.F! Clock out. Catch word of yet another “awesome” cave party, with VIP guest speaker.

5:30 pm – Arrive home, eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

6:30 pm - Get dressed in cooler, dirty, earth-tone, torn clothes, presumably remade from centuries old other clothes, left-over from those who were there “from the beginning.”

6:45 pm – Carefully arrange dreadlocks

7:00 pm - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for sending the Chosen One, even though the little shit hasn’t really done anything “chosen” yet.

8:00 pm – Arrive at cave party, stewing in own sweat.

9:00 pm – Listen to uninspired speech from Morpheous. Wonder who’s buying this bullshit.

10:00 pm – Sweaty dance party commences, get felt up a lot.

11:00 pm – Offer good looking person of opposite sex your personal “access code” to your own private “mainframe.” Get turned down.

12:00 am – Curfew in Zion. Lucky ones return home for hot cave sex to pounding industrial house music mix. Unlucky ones praise Oracle for another day, and bitterly, restlessly, fall asleep, stewing in own sweat.

Repeat.

There you have it – 2 situations were your life could be much, much worse than it already is. The only thing certain on the Waterworld or in Zion is death. At least you’ve got taxes too. Don’t you feel better now?