Man on the Run

Ever feel like your job may be killing you? Perhaps not (always) literally, but creatively; slowly sucking your soul, youth, and passion out of your left ear, leaving behind a hollow shell of a completely defeated, albeit, completely dedicated, robot? If so, you probably wake every day around 6:30 am, get your sour suit on, go to work, clock in, tune out, clock out, and return home to pickle what’s left of your brain in varying liquors, until it is time to reset the alarm clock.

Well here are a couple of working-man heroes to break up your everyday boredom. In between poppin’ pills, pop these into the old VCR: The Firm, Paycheck

It's a Double White Collar Crime on the rocks with a smooth jazz chaser. Drink it down!

The Firm
The Curator has demonstrated in previous post that all of Tommy Cruise's projects contain the little-known "Stallion Clause." For those unfamiliar, "The Stallion Clause" is a footnote within any contract Cruise signs, that he is required to have at least one, but preferably more, scene in which he sprints, nostrils a-flarin', for the means of making an end that will be for the betterment of all in "the Film." Check it and see.

Based on the book that catapulted John Grisham’s 400 page door stoppers to the top of airport bookstore shelves everywhere, The Firm does not disappoint Cruise fans, whoever they may be, containing no less than three Stallions, one hot and heavy love scene and a couple of "goodie two shoes" lovey moments with the otherwise not so wholesome Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Everyman Mitch McDeere appears to have it made when he gets the job of his dreams, at last able to ditch his trailer park past, provide his “lovely” wife Abby with all she desires, and cementing his future in the upper echelons of the solidly reputable Memphis high society. Unfortunately the “Firm” has another role in mind for Mitch, that of “Mob Stooge.” Yes, for unexplainable reasons, the Chicago mob retains a small law firm in Memphis. And apparently the partners traverse the world in search of an army of replacements to ensure the cycle is perpetuated.

Well, Tom is not about to have any of that noise. Bucking the bosses, Tommy will race his way to freedom, through Memphis streets with briefcase in hand, finally putting Wilford Brimley out of our misery, getting all these White Collar Mo-Fos behind bars without ever compromising his professional integrity, and all the while helping to create the world’s most perfectly matched hick-i-fied couple, Holly Hunter and David Strathairn. Sigh.

Paycheck
Ben Affleck gets his jog on proper here, pitted against the outstanding Aaron Eckhart and joined by ever-mild Uma Thurman.

Though your disbelief is initially stretched to the point of serious snap by first having to accept Ben Affleck as some kind of computer programming genius, comfort level is restored once realization sets in that you will not be required to watch him suffer and sweat through too many electronic related explanations.

Michael Jennings is a computer hacker extraordinaire, highly in demand to rip off patented computer technology because of his willingness to have any memory of his work therein erased. (Insert “Ben Affleck” and “Dumber than a Bag of Hammers” joke here) But he really gets screwed when he takes a job with Aaron Eckhart, his supposed friend, who uses him to build an Uber-Magic 8 Ball future time viewing machine of sorts, and then tries to “erase him” along with his memory of the project.

Ben wakes up from his erased past and finds he has traded in his 90 million dollar paycheck for an envelope full of mysterious and crappy items. Why ever would he DO such a think you ask? Well, because there’s a mystery to solve for one! And said crappy items provide a treasure map of sorts with which Ben may play, while racing on foot, motorcycle, bus and train, through the streets of Seattle in hot pursuit of the past/future/present. Will he stop the baddies? Get the girl? Ever reclaim his lost paycheck? All signs point to “Formulaic Hollywood Ending.”

Conclusion:

Take heart that your boss isn’t trying to kill you. At least, as far as you know.

Guy Fawkes Discovers Queen Schoonmacher’s Flaw: Continuity Departed

(Special to the Dollar Video Curator! Guy Fawkes returns with more editing mayhem….)

I thought I would turn my anal retentiveness to this year’s winner for editing, “The Departed.” I suppose that a film editor has a lot to do other than watching to make sure the film is correctly edited, but you would think some of these screw-ups would have been noticed by SOMEBODY in the studio.

We can’t get four minutes in to film before we see Costello (Jack Nicholson) stuff a comic book down into young Colin’s grocery bag and then see the comic book sticking up way out of the bag. (3:05 to 3:31).

As Colin Sullivan graduates from the police academy, his necktie is held in place by a tie clip that is merely a bar. In just nine seconds the tie clip now has a shield on it which we can assume resembles a state trooper’s badge. (7:11 to 7:20).

Lessons in penmanship. We see Billy at the cemetery looking at the floral arrangement sent by Costello. At 17:15, the “F” on the card sent with the arrangement has a loop on its right side but at 17:26 the loop has magically moved to the left side of the “F”. Do you suppose that the property master lost the first card? Wouldn’t you like to know who wrote the first card and who wrote the second one? How much time got wasted in trying to find the first card and in arguing about whose fault it was? It’s questions like these that keep me from making any real progress in life.

Speaking of magic, we have the following:

-No coffee cup on the book next to Queenen’s phone (17:37) but one appears out of nowhere (17:42).

-A shot glass appears, disappears, reappears, etc. (1:18:38, 1:18:18. 1:18:40, etc.)

-At the driving range a guy walking behind Colin simply disappears (1:23:10 and 1:23:11).

-Left rear window of van shot out and then shot out again (1:48:24 and 1:48:26).

-Colin sets out Queenen’s stuff including Queenen’s badge which has blood on it but two seconds later the badge has vanished. (1:55:56 and 1:55:57)

More you say? You want more?

-The sergeant has the report rolled in a way we can’t see the pages but later we can (24:19 – 24:51).

-Ellerby’s (Baldwin) flag pin is straight, then rotated 90 degrees counterclockwise then the pin appears straight again (24:45; 24:55, 25:45)

-Billy’s medallion is inside his shirt, then outside the shirt, then inside again (45:53, 45:54, 45:58)

-Watch carefully as the paperclip holder and Post-It notes dance around the desk (51:19, 54:48, 57:28, 57:33)

-The case with the microprocessors is laid down several inches from the satchel with the money (1:06:38) but then the case is touching the satchel (1:06:39) and then separated again (1:06:44).

-The items on the kitchen counter are all shifted around and a large bag appears from nowhere (1:10:20, 1:10:53).

-Faster than a speeding bullet: Colin leaves his seat in the seventh row at the theater and is out the door traveling at least 50 feet in less than a second (1:27:18 and 1:27:19).

-Speaking of leaving the theater, when Colin exits no envelope can be seen and his hands are in his pockets but another scene shows the envelope in his hand and then later his hands are in his pockets again. (1:27:32, 1:27:51, 1:28:30).

And finally, you think you’ve got problems with your phone?

-Colin smears blood across the “talk” button on Queenen’s phone (1:54:20) but three seconds later we see the blood smeared across the #1 button with no blood on the “talk” button.

-Billy notices the phone ringing and the silver phone is right next to the red phone but two seconds later the phones are separated by several inches (1:54:34, 1:54:36).

-Billy throws the phone down and it bounces away but a second later it is only a few inches from him (1:55:16, 1:55:17)

How much do these editors get paid? Is there an Oscar for finding the most editing mistakes? Is there a good job for an anarchist out there, anywhere?

Proper Fucked in the World of Manners, Corsets, Dueling and Fainting Couches

The polite society of nobility may seem an endless parade of teas, whispers, nods and dueling; boring, predictable. But in the glamorous world of the rich, cinched and nasty, they fuck others over as well as the rest of us more poorly dressed saps. Whereas the least fortunate of us end up perhaps in county lock-up, a pauper’s grave, or serving on jury duty, the wrong steps of an upper-class naughty-kin, could end perhaps in public shame at the Opera, or as the butt of everyone’s social “No-No” joke. The horror! But hey, punishment is all relative.

Watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Opulent implode for your entertainment in:
The Age of Innocence, Barry Lyndon, Dangerous Liaisons

The Age of Innocence

Our hero Newland Archer is fucked from the second he lays eyes on the Countess Olenska, his betrothed’s slutty older cousin, who is world-weary and lookin’ for some action. The two become close when Newland advises her on her bad marriage, encouraging her to not get divorced, because all she would gain is “her freedom.” Meanwhile, Newland’s marriage to sweet little cousin May, all sugar and propriety on the outside and absolute demon on the inside, is imminent, and the next thing you know, the pair is off touring Europe on honeymoon while Newland’s bitter realization sets in.

Upon their return, and unable to take the longing anymore, the Countess announces her decision to quit New York for Europe. May weaves a tangled and sticky web of societal propriety indeed, hosting the ultimate “Fuck-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Life” going away party, intended to keep Newland and the Countess apart forever.

In this world of fine manners, a handshake might as well be a hand job, and a shared glance? Well, that is akin to a knock-down, dirty, screw in an alley behind a dumpster. Newland and the Countess are kept apart, unable to relay their undying love, and the Countess is shipped off the next day. But by the end of the party, Newland has decided to leave May and follow the Countess to Europe, but May has one final card to play, the classic, “Whoops, I’m pregnant!” Duty, honor, society and resolve to live a love-less life of boredom win out, and Newland, proper fucked indeed, accepts his fate.

Barry Lyndon

Redmond Barry (Lyndon) is an ambitious son-of-a-bitch. Born a poor Irish lad, he is determined to become a British Noble. How to do that you ask? Barry properly fucks over everyone who comes across his life from the very beginning, starting with his cousin, whose marriage he attempts to destroy out of jealousy. He then changes allegiance during the 7 year war, joins up with androgynous weirdo Chevalier de Balibari to royally screw royalty out of money at cheated card games, later continuing on to screw over his new wife the Countess Lyndon and her son by driving them into poverty and misery whilst screwing his way through a jungle of ladies-of-the-night, and culminating in the killing his own kid when a horse he bought him bucks him off.

Along the way, Barry ruins the lives of many others that cross his path; the gay army general that he outs, the Prussians who employ him as a spy, anyone who doesn’t pay up their gambling debt, and his wife’s long-time religious confidant who he allows his mother to fire after some 20-odd years. Not to mention that he, awesomely, is not too proud to engage in an all-out, roll around on the ground in front of the company fist-fight with his stepson. Hey, whatever means satisfy the ends.

But it is Lyndon who is properly fucked in the end. When he duels with Lord Burlingdon, his stepson who is now all grown up and has a serious bone to pick with dear ol’ stepdad, he gets shot in the leg. The life of Barry Lyndon ends with his leg’s amputation, and his expulsion from his wife’s home, broke and broken. He is sent home to live with mommy. Ouch.

Dangerous Liaisons

The reserved hush-toned society of 18^th Century French Nobility is a world of parlors, teas, polite conversations and gentlemanly hand kisses. Or so you would expect, but up the curving, ornate staircase and behind those opulent, mirrored doorways, lay a world of some serious proper fucking, in the most literal sense of the word. The cruelty of the rich and bored is a force to be reckoned with in any era, but Glenn Close and John Malkovich put our own Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and K-Fed to shame.

The name of the game is who fucked who, how, when, where, and how often. Our Malko is the toy of Glenn Close, a lady of some serious non-scruples, who sends him off to corrupt the girl promised to a former lover. Malko has no problems with this at all, instructing her in the ways of the love game, eventually knocking her up, and turning her into a whore of most glorious proportions. Meanwhile, Glenny is out seducing a fine young lad, and Malko turns his eyes to the ever hard-to-get Michelle Pfeiffer. Upon ruination of all parties, and when Malko gets mad a Glenny for not given up the golden ‘poon, the two next set out to destroy each other. A duel, a stab, a confession and a few revealing letters later, Malko is dead and Glenny shunned by society. Props to the properly fucked, all around.

Conclusion:

You are your own worst enemy.

Bad Ass Girls Like Bad Ass Toys

As the Amazon woman cutting off one breast to better aim her bow and arrow, so tough are the women on this girl power rock block. Their similarities beg a double feature: each of these fine ladies are the only one capable in their respective flick of stopping evil corporations from procuring or manufacturing weapons destined to wipe out the human race in the name of “security” despite their heavily armed marine type escorts, each has an equally bad ass Hispanic Lady side-kick of sorts who bites it in a rough-ass way near the end, and they both also have some pretty sweet weaponry and skills at disposal.

Aliens & Resident Evil

The Bitch Is Back - Aliens

In Aliens, Ripley is back from deep sleep in deep space, fresh memories of the Alien alive and well, and ready to battle with creature, marine and Paul Reiser alike, while savin’ babies from the clutches of evil Alien monsters.

Ripley gets talked into returning to the scary-ass planet where she first encountered the Alien, only it’s 56 years later and the planet has been colonized. Ripley, the only naysayer in a crowd of some 15 odd, battle-hardened marines, proves to, or course, be right about their survival chances. The Alien from the first flick was indestructible, and now there’s hundreds of them, crap! When pretty much all marines and cohorts are destroyed, Ripley is still able to sling a weapon of awesome size, and whilst haulin’ a kid around on one hip, remove the surviving few from the planet just before it is nuked into oblivion. And then, just when you think it is safe to go back to the mother-ship, the Mother of all Aliens shows.

Good thing Ripley, among all her other awesome skills has a Class 5 fork lifter operator license. Donning the “Power Loader,” and upping her bad-ass-ness to the nth degree, she is a match made in hell for the infamous bitch.

Go Ask Alice - Resident Evil

Alice is head of security for Umbrella Corporation, and evil enterprise manufacturing a terrible virus. She wakes up one morning with a bad memory hang over, and with only a fleeting sexy memory of the night before, promptly gets trained off to The Hive, a top secret underground research facility escorted by some kind of Special Task Force.

Fortunately she has time to put on her skimpy red nightie and black biker boots beforehand so she is appropriately dressed for the adventure and ensuing battle. Along the way we are introduced to a few special ops who are quickly disposed of, in gruesome manner, by the security system of The Hive, a sacrifice that must be made to hammer home the deadliness of this joint for the most inane of viewers. But said security system is soon after dismantled, unleashing the true horror – ZOMBIES!

Yes, every employee of The Hive has been killed and reanimated, becoming an army of the dead against Alice and the few other survivors. Alice obtains some weapons of serious weight and girth, and they are forced to crawl through tunnels and dank rooms, battling zombies all along the way. Eventually everyone succumbs into a state of zombie-dom, except of course our Alice. She eventually regains her memory, and even the realization that her pseudo-trophy husband released the virus isn’t enough to stop her. She is set to destroy the evil Umbrella Corp., and will do so even as a Zombie Girl, in a Zombie world.

Conclusion:

These ladies both live to fight another day. They may be broken and beaten down, but never fail to rise up in a dirtily-sexily way, protecting us all from evil companies, corporations, Aliens, Zombies, and corrupt power-hungry that love them. Sequels? Oh yes, but that too, is for another day.

Rated B for Baaaaad Aaassss

You are not forgotten...

The Curator has been preoccupied with a media other than video. The Curator hates it when that happens. Stay tuned....