Body Snatched? How to cope in 5 easy steps

According to film (which would never lie to us) there is at least a 50/50 chance that at some point in your life you may become the victim of a forced, accidental or even purposeful body snatch or switch. As you know, the result of this is your brain/soul becoming switched or shared with the brain/soul of a foreign body. In case of a body-switch emergency, this quick and easy guide will show you how to not only deal, but completely and gracefully overcome the adventure in a 90 to 120 minute window filled with hilarity and heartfelt meaning.

1. Realization

It all starts upon waking from a deep sleep, a slow-mo sequence involving your ghostly essence being lifted out of your body and implanted elsewhere or brief knock to the head. First of all, relax. In most cases, you will come to realize your situation by seeing a face other than your own in the mirror, hearing a strange voice talking to you in your brain or coming out of your mouth, suddenly recognizing things in a house you have never been in before, or by having flashbacks to situations you have never been in, including the imagining of your girlfriend’s mother, 20 years younger, in the sack.

2. Acceptance

You must quickly accept this situation as inevitable to keep the plot moving along. But rest assured you are in good company.

Did you know the likes of Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Jody Foster, Robert Downey Jr., and Cory Feldmen, have all been either mistaken or unwitting victims of a body switch?

Once you accept your situation you must decide whether to keep your new body or immediately try to get out of it. Perhaps you are a 13 year old boy who suddenly has a man-sized johnson with a CEO’s earning potential to match. You may consider staying in your new big body for a while, but know this: if things were that easy, everyone would wish to be “big” on a Zoltar machine. Either way, you will, in most cases, end up having get out of your fake body, so keep this in mind through your adventures.

PS – If you are not “sure” whose body you inhabit, it is a good rule of thumb to not have sex, with anyone, under any circumstances. You never know…

3. Convincing others

Tricky, and in most cases, unnecessary, but each case must be judged on its own merits. You may require the help of another in your switch-back, particularly if you are one in the “cheating death” category, and have recently employed a holy man of generic middle eastern decent.

This is one of the easiest steps however. If you do need to convince someone of your alien-brain to hasten your switch-back, all you need is to display a random personal quirk or share a secret that only you, in your unique position could know, but something that is extremely unlikely that your host body would ever know.

4. Atonement

There is likely a perfectly good reason why you are in your current predicament, and this is also likely very obvious the entire audience. Try not to take it too personal that your bumbling and confusion in this matter, while embarrassing to you, is entertaining to them. If you didn’t want to make an ass of yourself for the amusement of others, you really should have gone into another line of business.

Now, there are usually only a few explanations for your predicament; that this is some sort of personal failure on your part, hence, your needed atonement. Likely reasons include:

a. Greed (Want to be older, younger or avoid death)

b. Important lesson to be learned from person you are switched with, likely due to severe egomania on your part

c. You are dead

If you are dead, try not to take it too personal. This is usually some kind of whimsical plot devise that has the audience either knowingly chortling or wiping away a bitter-sweat tear.

Your personal failings may be hard to accept, but you are going to have to suck it up and deal for the good of the plot. The reason for your switch will become obvious to you through a natural progression of events, and is directly related to your path of atonement. It is important for you to completely accept the reason for your switch, and right those wrongs. This is a life changing experience for you, look beyond the superficial, and confront the very darkness of your own inner workings. And stop tormenting that old man down the street.

5. Post-switch back behavior

Once you have righted any wrongs and/or received a token swift kick to the ass of your ego, you will be switched back to your original body. You are expected to react with overwhelming gratefulness, heightened appreciation of your original situation and the people around you followed by a respectful humbleness. You have just been through a very trying ordeal, but it is important to remember the deep life lesson that you have been taught, without being too haughty about it. You are now a little bit wiser, try and keep it that way.

For further instruction, recommended viewing includes: Chances Are, All of Me, Freaky Friday (1976), Big, Dream a Little Dream