The Manny Diaries: Clive Owen, Savior of Babies

Many, many things cross our mind when pondering the wonder of Clive Owen. Rugged good looks, dark brooding nature, a proper, soft-spoken accent. We know he’s tough, we know he can handle a piece. We know he can deal a card, dispose of a body, give a woman a good lovin’ and even lower himself to employment in the service industry of the ultra-wealthy.

But heart of gold? Embracer of responsibility? A sensitive side which reliably points, like a compass northward, to the constant acceptance of fatherhood in bizarre and unlikely situations? Oh yes. Underneath that ultra-suave, manly exterior and boyishly tussled brown locks, lay a sweet, soft spot for the weak and the helpless; the defenseless baby who crazy mad-men are always set on killing whenever he is around.

"Chosen" (2001) – short film from The Hire series. Directed by Ang Lee.

Clive Owen “The Driver,” around whom this thinly disguised BWM commercial series is based, must protect a holy monk-child that was brought to America by boat, and deliver him into the hands of a monk safe-house. Upon their meeting, the child gives The Driver a gift, but he is not to open it until the end of said short film.

Clive deftly protects the kid on a short car ride to the safe-house, somehow managing in his BMW to out-smart and out-run a Dodge Neon, and delivers the child to the pre-described location. But almost as if able to read the boy-god’s mind, he knows trouble lay around the corner here. How ever does he discern that the monk in cowboy boots may not be quite legit? Well, because he is in tune with babies, for one. He quickly disposes of the bad guys, and when all is well, departs the scene.

On his way to next do-gooder adventure, The Driver opens the gift. It is revealed to be an Incredible Hulk bandage for his bleeding ear, a most lame self-referential moment. Oh Ang. If only this were made in 2005, you could have made pathetic reference to your far superior gay cowboy flick, rather than your failure of a green hulking monster movie. Oh, maybe that’s why the monk had those boots on….Oh Ang! You are too brilliant.

Children of Men (2006) directed by Alfonso Cuaron

The year is 2027, and it is a grim world in which two decades of world-wide infertility has left the humans with less than a century to survive. London is a haven into which illegal immigrants try to get, where Clive exists as a sad sack, working a crappy government job. That is until he finds his true calling – Savior of Babies.

His ex-wife, a revolutionary with a short lifeline, introduces him to a miraculously pregnant African refugee, who needs to be transported away from the chaos and terrorism of those who would exploit her, by taking her to a sanctuary at sea. Along the way Clive demonstrates his unique brand of bravado and tenderness, and skills of shooting, killing, driving, and culminating in his delivering of the miracle baby in a dingy room. It’s a dirty job, and Clive’s not only gotta do it, he wants to. In the end he of course must sacrifice himself to get the girl and her baby to safety, because who is he in the grand scheme of it all, merely a man. A man ready to sacrifice himself for a baby.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007) directed by Michael Davis

Once again, our Clive finds himself immediately in the role of baby saver. One brutal shoot-out later, and he’s down there again, gazing into the crotch of a woman he just met, delivering her baby. While shooting all the bad guys.

What to do next? Well the woman is dead, and he can’t just leave that kid there, amidst the mad-men. So he wraps baby up, and removing his own sock to keep baby’s head warm, and off he goes to find a lactating prostitute. Kid’s gotta eat.

Initially, he tries to pawn baby off, what does this tough guy know about babies after all. But once again, his conscious, his true nature bubbles up, and he dons his super-saving baby cape/private dick personality. He personally solves the complex crime set-up and single-handedly, saves baby, the surrogate lactating hooker-mom, and hence, himself. And a happy nipple sucking ending is had by all.

Conclusion:
Clive Owen, savior of babies, savior of us all.