Christmas Evil

Light up the tree, sip some nog and strap on your weapon of choice. It’s Christmas in Hollywood, California. The Yule tide is gay, Ol' Anx-i-ety, is high…but what to watch?

The curator has dug deep into the shadowy recesses of the holiday genre shelf and put together for you dear reader, a double feature sure to fill you to the brim with happy, happy holiday cheer. Not only that…it’s all a part of what Christmas is like in Los Angeles, and here’s why you should believe everything you see in the movies. Everyone should believe in something, especially at this sacred time of year.

The films: Die Hard and LA Confidential

Viewing order importance: Whatever strikes your fancy

Die Hard

What happens when a street hardened New York cop comes to Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife for the Holidays, attempts to join her office Xmas party, takes off his shoes and encounters some bad dudes? Why it’s the feel-good movie of the year! Move over Will Smith and your whimsically misspelled #1 box office hit of the Christmas weekend, Bruce Willis is gonna yippee-kai-yay your profits “into the back wall of the theatre” and show you the true meaning of Christmas.

It’s Christmas Eve in Los Angeles and at the Nakatomi Building spirits are high. That is, until Alan Rickman and Alexander Godunov (of previous Dollar Video Curation fame) show up at said Office Xmas party to blow a safe wide open and make off with hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds. Bruce Willis is hiding in the bathroom, not wearing any shoes, and kills all bad guys from the inside out, saving the day, and almost all of the employees (less Takagi himself and the office blow-sniffin’ gigolo), with the help of one, do-gooder cop on the outside. And wins his wife back over in the end.

Why this is a believable plot:

1. People in Los Angeles work really, really hard everyday, especially in the days leading up to Christmas and other major holidays. They don’t take a week off before and after holidays, thus making driving in LA the most enjoyable it could possibly be, because the roads are slightly less congested. The roads are less crowded because everyone is working so hard, and they are all in their offices.
2. The LAPD is very helpful. The only unbelievable part about this movie is that only ONE truly sympathetic cop is seen throughout the flick. If this event happened for real, all the cops on scene would be bending over backwards to help the rouge crazy man on the inside, based on their “hunches.”
3. A crack team of crazy-skilled Germans would certainly know the contents of the most well made safe known to man, and being so intelligent, would certainly chose to stage their break-in during a wild Christmas party, rather in the middle of the night where they might actually get away with it. This is Hollywood! What fun would that be?
4. Happy endings are real. R-E-A-L.

LA Confidential

Of course, the entire film doesn’t take place ONLY on Christmas Eve as does Die Hard, but many important events in the film do. Bud White, angry volatile woman lover, is much like “Santa with that list, but everyone on it’s been naughty.” Thus begins the flick, and Christmas Eve in the ‘Fidential consists of busting up of a domestic abuse situation, discovering high class whores cut to look like movie stars, staged and corrupt pot busts and drunken police rioting with Mexican prisoners at the jail house. It’s all apart of “Bloody Christmas” in Los Angeles. This is not however, just what it was like in the 1950’s Los Angeles, but as it is every day, every year, in this fair city.

Case in point:

1. The Press are everywhere, waiting to photograph the lowliest of all criminals as they are arrested, because everyone here is REALLY good looking. Also, everyone here always takes their glasses off before posing for said press photo. This is Hollywood! It’s all about your image.
2. Much like in Die Hard, it is here reinforced how helpful the LAPD is, as cops will put aside their petty differences and work together to solve crimes.
3. Glamorous movie stars openly hang out at the Formosa Café. Yeah, you also never see pathetic wanna-be extras hanging out there, pseudo-schmoozing, and looking for coke.
4. All of the hookers here are hot. They all look like Veronica Lake, Rita Hayworth, and Julia Roberts. Even the ones frequenting corner liquor stores and Hollywood Boulevard. You’ll never see hookers the size of your house hanging around outside the Little Caesar’s on Van Ness and Santa Monica.

As this is not a comprehensive list of why the Los Angeles depicted on film is exactly as it is in real life, the Curator encourages you to come to LA, and see for yourself. It’s the city of dreams, and your dreams will come true when you come here. It was stated in LA Confidential that, “when I came out to Hollywood, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” But don’t mind such statements or otherwise more “negative” depictions you may encounter in film. For example, the writing of this blog is exactly what we had in mind when we moved here. Merry Christmas!

Humiliating Movie Deaths

The power of film. You recognize it when you see it. Or feel it. Quotes that stick with you, or a glistening tear rolling down a beautiful cheek. A soaring score that tugs at your heart strings, or a heroic death, a sacrifice that was made for the good of all humankind.

Eh.

What of the overlooked? The filler parts of the film, meant to amuse, move the story’s plot or suspense along, or to act as comic relief? For every poignant film death forever memorialized on the big screen, an extra, a bad guy or some other lesser character has to take one for the team. The yang to the hero’s yin. The black to the white of your starlet’s blank, emotionless eye. Let us look at some of the unfortunate sacrifices that have been made for the good of the plot, and share a moment of silence for these unfortunates.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - The Egyptian guy with the sword.

He comes out swinging with the biggest, shiniest, sharpest sword any of you fools have ever seen. Poor guy. For all his bravado and talent all he gets is shot in the gut by an indifferent Indy, and hoards of third world idiots swarm and cheer. While we laugh.

Jurassic Park - The “professional” hunter Robert Muldoon

This guy spent the entire film talking about what great hunters the Velociraptors are, and how deadly they are, and how they should never be underestimated, and how they always hunt in packs, and he still gets cocky and eaten. Real “clever” dumb ass.

Armageddon - The pilots of the “back-up” space shuttle

These two should have known they were doomed from the second they were cast as the pilots of the back-up space shuttle "Independence." They fly all the way to the deadliest of all meteors on a mission to save the entire world from destruction only to get creamed by some flying debris right as they arrive. Morons.

The Matrix - The cops in the government building

Granted, these guys probably didn’t have any idea what was coming, but they just get slaughtered. They figured their metal detector would be enough to protect the building from any extremist wackos, and boy did they get schooled. Nothing sadder than a faceless, surprised extra in a police uniform, fumbling for his weapon, only to get smoked.

Speed – Hysterical Helen

This shrieking mess of a woman tearfully tries to escape the ill-fated bus after she was warned not to, tempting Dennis Hopper to show the true meaning of his uncompromising nature, by blowing her up. Everyone else survived the bus, Helen. This was your own fault.

The Usual Suspects – Fenster

Benicio del Toro seemingly has received equal billing here, supposedly as important as the four other “suspects,” but when push comes to shove, he’s the first to go. And he doesn’t even merit a death with screen time. Instead, he is conveniently swept under the “Oh that guy? He tried to skip out and was killed” rug.

The Rock – Rouge Marine trying to steal the deadly nerve gas

This guy bites it in the first 5 minutes of the film. He’s got to go, and only to show us, the naïve viewer, what happens to someone when this gas is released. He gets locked in a room with no escape and only one window, to be stared at by David Morse as he dies slowly, painfully, and sizzlingly. Sorry dude. Those are the breaks.

Fargo – The parking lot attendant

This guy exists solely to get shot by Steve Buscemi leaving the Dayton Hudson parking lot after he was shot in the face. Ouch.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope - Every single person on the Death Star

Absolutely classic. The bigger and stronger you get, the more egomaniacal you become. That it would not EVER cross your mind that you are not too powerful to be taken down by a lone rebel is the very height of movie stupidity. A failure of leadership at the highest levels. We’re looking at you, Tarkin. Way to sign the death warrants of all your employees. Wonder how much insurance the Galactic Empire had to pay out on that one.

For all the sacrificed: a moment of silence. May future non-essential characters, actors and extras learn from their important lessons.

Special to the Dollar Video Curator! - It’s a Wonderful Life (as long as you don’t screw it up)

(Note from the Curator: In the spirit of the sharing, the Curator has invited a very special guest into the screening room for your viewing and reading pleasure. 'Tis the Season! Get your nog on and enjoy.)

By Guest Curator Guy Fawkes.

It is certainly easier to be a critic than a creator. Who among us, given a chance to take God’s place and knowing what we now know, would create, say, a mosquito or Dick Cheney? Nonetheless, watching a film for mistakes can be amusing for those of us with too much time on our hands.

It’s a Wonderful Life has become a “holiday classic” more likely due to a clerk’s error than anything else. Apparently someone forgot to renew the film’s copyright in the 1970’s thereby throwing the movie into the public domain where networks and local stations began using it profusely as a filler during the holidays, beneficial to them since the nuisance of royalties was removed. Continued exposure to the film is one factor that has led to its acceptance as a “classic”. This is not an unknown phenomenon – witness the large number of Americans who think “decider” and “suicider” are acceptable nouns.

We start the movie with some basic math when we are told (actually Clarence is told) that George Bailey was 12 in 1919 (4:14 into the movie). We then learn of the death of Mr. Gower’s son Robert on May 3, 1919, according to the telegram nosily read by George (7:30). The next thing we know, George has rushed from the drug store to the Building and Loan. A calendar on the wall of the Building and Loan is not quite readable but it is easily determined that it is a month with four letters, 30 days and a Friday the 13^th. (9:18). Unfortunately for the film editor, June is the only month during 1919 that has a Friday the 13^th; so, we are left to wonder if George has stepped into a time warp or worm hole thrusting him, however briefly, into the next month.

When George returns to the drug store, Violet has replaced Mary at the counter and is eating her ice cream, presumably after devouring the “shoelaces”. (10:47).

Moving ahead nine years, George is getting ready to leave town when he encounters Bert and Ernie. Bert is reading a paper with the headline “Smith Wins Nomination” thereby allowing us to know that we are dealing with June 26 to 28, 1928. At that moment, a grown up Violet strolls by followed by a lady holding on to her hat (13:48). Several seconds later, the exact scene is repeated (13:57). Apparently the suggestiveness of Violet causes not only Bert to rush home to see what his wife is doing (wink, wink) but has pushed our hero back into another time warp. “It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! Etc.”

Leaping ahead in the movie, George comes home after Uncle Billy has lost the dough. Mary takes George’s muffler and puts it on a small table by the telephone (1:25:15). We can still see it on the table at 1:26:20 but ten seconds later it has disappeared. Since Potter has no scruples about stealing $8,000.00, we can safely assume he has no qualms about stealing George’s muffler. This assumption is verified when George appears at Potter’s office later (1:32:17) and is wearing the scarf. I guess it never occurred to George that if Potter would steal his scarf he would steal Uncle Billy’s money too.

George’s son Peter is so outraged by this event that he jumps off the chair twice. (1:26:24 and 1:26:30).

Then, as we get toward the end of the film, we are again presented with a math conundrum. When George and Clarence are in the graveyard looking at Harry’s grave, Clarence announces that Harry drowned at nine. As George sweeps back the snow, however, the dates of Harry’s life are shown as 1911 – 1919 (1:59:05).

I have determined that the film editor was a 1940’s version of Stephen Hawking under whose theories all time discrepancies excepting the arrow of time always moving from the past to the future can be resolved. Anarchists United.
- Guy Fawkes