Rag Tag Technology vs. Impending Doom

Americans. They are nothing if not resourceful, resolute, and unafraid to look like assholes. Say there is some sort of horrible disaster on the brink of destroying all mankind, like an F-5 tornado, or a meteor the size of Manhattan on a collision course with Earth. Who you gonna call? Not the National Weather Service, NASA or the US Government, for Pete’s sake, but a smarmy bunch of fringe individuals banded together by the common cause of saving the entire region and/or planet with MacGyver type tools, a strong work-ethic, and a can-do attitude. Praise Ye the Lord!!

The Films: Twister, Armageddon

View order importance: Watch in order of escalating disaster potential

Twister: Tornados….the Midwesterner’s worst enemy. Since the dawn of human understanding, when The Wizard of Oz premiered way back in 1939, man has been drawn to and repelled by, fast swirling dusts and winds. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton star together, at last, in the sexiest thriller of the year. Oh, the passion....it almost hurts to watch, as what they feel for each other is beautifully, visually paralleled by the very storm they hunt....as tumultuous is an angry tornado, so is their relationship. They orbit each other, in a dance both elegant and ugly, at once serene, at once ferocious.

Sadly, Bill and Helen are on the verge of divorce, it fact all but one paper is signed. They must band together for one last tornado hunt, utilizing "The Dorothy," the ultimate in tornado understanding machinery. It’s a race against Cary Elwes who's SO obviously only in it for the money, not for the Science. "He's got all the technology but none of the instincts," mumbles sleepy Bill, in his perfected hick accent. Not to mention, this one will somehow bring back Helen's dad, who was, of course, killed by a tornado. That one event, is indeed fueling Helen's fire, to understand, and take revenge on, destructive winds. They can’t raise the dead it seems, but they can save most everyone in the town, something Mr. "Has Got All the Technology" can't manage to do. Dick.

Can they ever again find the passion they once had for storms, and each other? If only they can reconcile their differences in storm hunting. The Curator doesn't want to ruin the end, but....all signs point to yes, that somehow, they will find a way, to be together, again.

Armageddon: The Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer magnum opus. Whenever the Curator reflects on the Bay/Bruckheimer collaboration, the two of them are imagined sitting around a kitchen table at 2 am, drunk on Coors Light and Goldschlager, wives asleep upstairs. Perhaps they are at a family ski retreat, somewhere near Big Bear Mountain. Both wear pinch-rolled acid wash jeans, reindeer sweaters, thick white cotton socks, with shoes removed. Many papers are scattered on the table top, Aerosmith plays (quietly, don’t wake the wives!) on a boom box in the background. There is a whole lot of hushed tones and high-fiving to accompany the exclamations of “DUDE, get this….” and “That is SO awesome! I’ve always wanted to make a movie with Bruce Willis drilling in space!” and “We rule MAN!” Notes are scribbled, check books opened, and the world hence subject to the master works of Bay & Bruckheimer. As it should be.

NASA has discovered a massive meteor is hurtling through space, and about to impact earth in 18 days. Best plan? Drill a hole through said meteor, plant a nuclear devise, and get the Christ out of there. Plan is then presented to Bruce Willis, captain of the raggedy, taggediest bunch of yahoos ever to set drill in ocean bottom. Willis himself says, “This is the best plan you can come up with? You guys are the smartest guys in the world, and this is it?” Indeed. But Bruce won’t let us down. Training for surly men begins, complete with psycho analysis, gravity-free training and the like, and off they go. But not before a tearful goodbye between the two best looking oil rig company employees the world will ever see. Sure enough, things go bad. But a father’s love is not to be denied. He’ll sacrifice himself for not only his daughter’s happiness, but for the good of us all. He saved the whole planet single handedly! Make sure you stay tuned following the credits for the creepiest, cheesiest, lamest, awesome-ist Aerosmith video of all freakin’ time.

Grade: D+ for Disasteriffic!