Proper Fucked in the World of Manners, Corsets, Dueling and Fainting Couches

The polite society of nobility may seem an endless parade of teas, whispers, nods and dueling; boring, predictable. But in the glamorous world of the rich, cinched and nasty, they fuck others over as well as the rest of us more poorly dressed saps. Whereas the least fortunate of us end up perhaps in county lock-up, a pauper’s grave, or serving on jury duty, the wrong steps of an upper-class naughty-kin, could end perhaps in public shame at the Opera, or as the butt of everyone’s social “No-No” joke. The horror! But hey, punishment is all relative.

Watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Opulent implode for your entertainment in:
The Age of Innocence, Barry Lyndon, Dangerous Liaisons

The Age of Innocence

Our hero Newland Archer is fucked from the second he lays eyes on the Countess Olenska, his betrothed’s slutty older cousin, who is world-weary and lookin’ for some action. The two become close when Newland advises her on her bad marriage, encouraging her to not get divorced, because all she would gain is “her freedom.” Meanwhile, Newland’s marriage to sweet little cousin May, all sugar and propriety on the outside and absolute demon on the inside, is imminent, and the next thing you know, the pair is off touring Europe on honeymoon while Newland’s bitter realization sets in.

Upon their return, and unable to take the longing anymore, the Countess announces her decision to quit New York for Europe. May weaves a tangled and sticky web of societal propriety indeed, hosting the ultimate “Fuck-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Life” going away party, intended to keep Newland and the Countess apart forever.

In this world of fine manners, a handshake might as well be a hand job, and a shared glance? Well, that is akin to a knock-down, dirty, screw in an alley behind a dumpster. Newland and the Countess are kept apart, unable to relay their undying love, and the Countess is shipped off the next day. But by the end of the party, Newland has decided to leave May and follow the Countess to Europe, but May has one final card to play, the classic, “Whoops, I’m pregnant!” Duty, honor, society and resolve to live a love-less life of boredom win out, and Newland, proper fucked indeed, accepts his fate.

Barry Lyndon

Redmond Barry (Lyndon) is an ambitious son-of-a-bitch. Born a poor Irish lad, he is determined to become a British Noble. How to do that you ask? Barry properly fucks over everyone who comes across his life from the very beginning, starting with his cousin, whose marriage he attempts to destroy out of jealousy. He then changes allegiance during the 7 year war, joins up with androgynous weirdo Chevalier de Balibari to royally screw royalty out of money at cheated card games, later continuing on to screw over his new wife the Countess Lyndon and her son by driving them into poverty and misery whilst screwing his way through a jungle of ladies-of-the-night, and culminating in the killing his own kid when a horse he bought him bucks him off.

Along the way, Barry ruins the lives of many others that cross his path; the gay army general that he outs, the Prussians who employ him as a spy, anyone who doesn’t pay up their gambling debt, and his wife’s long-time religious confidant who he allows his mother to fire after some 20-odd years. Not to mention that he, awesomely, is not too proud to engage in an all-out, roll around on the ground in front of the company fist-fight with his stepson. Hey, whatever means satisfy the ends.

But it is Lyndon who is properly fucked in the end. When he duels with Lord Burlingdon, his stepson who is now all grown up and has a serious bone to pick with dear ol’ stepdad, he gets shot in the leg. The life of Barry Lyndon ends with his leg’s amputation, and his expulsion from his wife’s home, broke and broken. He is sent home to live with mommy. Ouch.

Dangerous Liaisons

The reserved hush-toned society of 18^th Century French Nobility is a world of parlors, teas, polite conversations and gentlemanly hand kisses. Or so you would expect, but up the curving, ornate staircase and behind those opulent, mirrored doorways, lay a world of some serious proper fucking, in the most literal sense of the word. The cruelty of the rich and bored is a force to be reckoned with in any era, but Glenn Close and John Malkovich put our own Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and K-Fed to shame.

The name of the game is who fucked who, how, when, where, and how often. Our Malko is the toy of Glenn Close, a lady of some serious non-scruples, who sends him off to corrupt the girl promised to a former lover. Malko has no problems with this at all, instructing her in the ways of the love game, eventually knocking her up, and turning her into a whore of most glorious proportions. Meanwhile, Glenny is out seducing a fine young lad, and Malko turns his eyes to the ever hard-to-get Michelle Pfeiffer. Upon ruination of all parties, and when Malko gets mad a Glenny for not given up the golden ‘poon, the two next set out to destroy each other. A duel, a stab, a confession and a few revealing letters later, Malko is dead and Glenny shunned by society. Props to the properly fucked, all around.

Conclusion:

You are your own worst enemy.