Tom Cruise and the Need for Speed: A Photo Essay

Tom Cruise is no co-star. Well, technically, Tom Cruise is no actor. More of a carbon-based, overly opinionated, animated object which perpetuates the ability to grunt and sweat on cue. Rest assured, The Curator is not even about to start singing the praises of Tom “My entire faith structure is based on the ghosts of aliens that have been melted in volcanoes, and how to go about getting them to not latch on to my psyche” Cruise.

Nay, but there is one enjoyable aspect about the career of Tom. It is a little-known clause that appears somewhere near-ish the middle of every one of his contracts. Somewhere below section 22, which requires Scientology conversion tents on every film set he participates in, and just above section 24, "Craft Services Demands," where he professes his love of Mayonnaise, the most American of all condiments, lays paragraph 23(b)(iii), otherwise known as “The Stallion Clause.”

If you haven’t yet noticed this particular aspect of every film featuring Mr. Cruise, you clearly do not have enough time on your hands. Be that as it may, you will be hard pressed to find a film featuring our Tommy that does not feature at least one scene with Cruise racing down the street/sidewalk/staircase, nostrils a-flarin’, in hot pursuit of bad guys/wife/aliens, and away from his own delusional nature.

Case in point:

Minority Report

War of the WorldsThe Firm

Collateral

Vanilla Sky

Mission: Impossible III

Last Samurai

The Stallion may also manifest itself in an acceptable speed substitute, preferably a large piece of machinery or beast that will read as a stand-in for Cruise himself:

With such consistency in the evidence laid out before us, we can only conclude that Tom is literally "running from something," both professionally and personally. Art imitates life, no? Not that we would ever speculate about such a thing.