Christmas Evil

Light up the tree, sip some nog and strap on your weapon of choice. It’s Christmas in Hollywood, California. The Yule tide is gay, Ol' Anx-i-ety, is high…but what to watch?

The curator has dug deep into the shadowy recesses of the holiday genre shelf and put together for you dear reader, a double feature sure to fill you to the brim with happy, happy holiday cheer. Not only that…it’s all a part of what Christmas is like in Los Angeles, and here’s why you should believe everything you see in the movies. Everyone should believe in something, especially at this sacred time of year.

The films: Die Hard and LA Confidential

Viewing order importance: Whatever strikes your fancy

Die Hard

What happens when a street hardened New York cop comes to Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife for the Holidays, attempts to join her office Xmas party, takes off his shoes and encounters some bad dudes? Why it’s the feel-good movie of the year! Move over Will Smith and your whimsically misspelled #1 box office hit of the Christmas weekend, Bruce Willis is gonna yippee-kai-yay your profits “into the back wall of the theatre” and show you the true meaning of Christmas.

It’s Christmas Eve in Los Angeles and at the Nakatomi Building spirits are high. That is, until Alan Rickman and Alexander Godunov (of previous Dollar Video Curation fame) show up at said Office Xmas party to blow a safe wide open and make off with hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds. Bruce Willis is hiding in the bathroom, not wearing any shoes, and kills all bad guys from the inside out, saving the day, and almost all of the employees (less Takagi himself and the office blow-sniffin’ gigolo), with the help of one, do-gooder cop on the outside. And wins his wife back over in the end.

Why this is a believable plot:

1. People in Los Angeles work really, really hard everyday, especially in the days leading up to Christmas and other major holidays. They don’t take a week off before and after holidays, thus making driving in LA the most enjoyable it could possibly be, because the roads are slightly less congested. The roads are less crowded because everyone is working so hard, and they are all in their offices.
2. The LAPD is very helpful. The only unbelievable part about this movie is that only ONE truly sympathetic cop is seen throughout the flick. If this event happened for real, all the cops on scene would be bending over backwards to help the rouge crazy man on the inside, based on their “hunches.”
3. A crack team of crazy-skilled Germans would certainly know the contents of the most well made safe known to man, and being so intelligent, would certainly chose to stage their break-in during a wild Christmas party, rather in the middle of the night where they might actually get away with it. This is Hollywood! What fun would that be?
4. Happy endings are real. R-E-A-L.

LA Confidential

Of course, the entire film doesn’t take place ONLY on Christmas Eve as does Die Hard, but many important events in the film do. Bud White, angry volatile woman lover, is much like “Santa with that list, but everyone on it’s been naughty.” Thus begins the flick, and Christmas Eve in the ‘Fidential consists of busting up of a domestic abuse situation, discovering high class whores cut to look like movie stars, staged and corrupt pot busts and drunken police rioting with Mexican prisoners at the jail house. It’s all apart of “Bloody Christmas” in Los Angeles. This is not however, just what it was like in the 1950’s Los Angeles, but as it is every day, every year, in this fair city.

Case in point:

1. The Press are everywhere, waiting to photograph the lowliest of all criminals as they are arrested, because everyone here is REALLY good looking. Also, everyone here always takes their glasses off before posing for said press photo. This is Hollywood! It’s all about your image.
2. Much like in Die Hard, it is here reinforced how helpful the LAPD is, as cops will put aside their petty differences and work together to solve crimes.
3. Glamorous movie stars openly hang out at the Formosa Café. Yeah, you also never see pathetic wanna-be extras hanging out there, pseudo-schmoozing, and looking for coke.
4. All of the hookers here are hot. They all look like Veronica Lake, Rita Hayworth, and Julia Roberts. Even the ones frequenting corner liquor stores and Hollywood Boulevard. You’ll never see hookers the size of your house hanging around outside the Little Caesar’s on Van Ness and Santa Monica.

As this is not a comprehensive list of why the Los Angeles depicted on film is exactly as it is in real life, the Curator encourages you to come to LA, and see for yourself. It’s the city of dreams, and your dreams will come true when you come here. It was stated in LA Confidential that, “when I came out to Hollywood, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” But don’t mind such statements or otherwise more “negative” depictions you may encounter in film. For example, the writing of this blog is exactly what we had in mind when we moved here. Merry Christmas!