Things that were good about Guy Ritchie's "Revolver"

1. It ended.
2. .

Forgotten, but not gone

Darkness before the dawn. Look to the east....we shall return soon.

Questions from the Audience

It is time once again for the Curator to take some questions from our audience. The quality (free) reporting provided by our Web counter and statistics service tells us we have some very curious searchers out there. We are flattered you have come to the Curator for advice. Please see below for answers to your queries not directly addressed by our previous posts.

“Good cop bad cop scenario works” – According to our sources, yes. It does.

“Identify good cop bad cop” – This can indeed be tricky for the lay person. In general, if you find yourself watching a movie with two cops as the main characters, working together, albeit reluctantly (at least at first), and one of them starts yelling and threatening a witness while the other hangs back, making empty statements like, “I can’t control him (her). He (She) always does this kind of thing. You should have seen what happened to the last guy (gal). Just give us something, and I can call my partner off,” you can identify the movie to be within the “good cop, bad cop” genre.

“Tom Cruise appears in grease” – The movie, no. The substance, likely.

“Sweetgirl (dollar money)” – Why, thank you!

“Johnny Castle threesome” – Wow, don’t we wish!

"Body switch dream meaning” – We don’t pretend to be an expert on the meaning of dreams, but if we let movies be our guide, which of course they are, we would warn you that if you find yourself in another’s body it is likely NOT a dream. Proceed accordingly.

“I would lie for a dollar experiment” – Who wouldn’t?!

“Nipple sucking video” – Alas, our coverage does not extend into the review of Soft-Core Dollar Porn. Not yet anyway.

“Lactation movie blogger” – See above. Also see “Shoot ‘Em Up,” with Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci.

“Embarrassing gymnastic uniform malfunction video” – We might suggest broadening your search strategy here. “Embarrassing” implies unintentional, and is also subjective. See Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake.

“Male swimming boner” – Let’s not bring our personal video collection into this.

“Heavy. Weight. Honeys.” – While we have no specific suggestions for you, we appreciate the intensity that your search strategy suggests, demonstrated by the addition of periods after each word. It is as if you propose, alone, each word is of significant importance, but together, they become an unstoppable force of possibility. We can not disagree.

5 Sickeningly Sappy Movie Songs *And Why You Love Them!

“If You Leave” by OMD – From: "Pretty in Pink"

“If you leave, don’t leave now. Please don’t take my heart away. Promise me, just one more night. Then we’ll go our separate ways.”

What teenager can’t imagine the heartbreaking, beautiful sadness of only being allowed one more night, for whatever cruel, cruel reason.

Never mind the blatant contradiction of OMD, singing in one line that they won’t let go of us at any price, and then quicker that you can exhale a deep, soft shuddery sigh of resignation to stay, they’re stating they’ll be running in the other direction the second our feet hit the pavement. Those New Wave British Synth-Pop groups are all the same.

“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins – From “Against All Odds”

There is something just absolutely irresistible about Phil Collins' sad-sack honesty in this song. “I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all.”

It’s so weepily pathetic you just want to wrap him up in a blanket, share a cup of hot cocoa and have well deserved, long-needed cry with him. Misery loves company after all. But when Phil belts these last lines out, “Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here, and you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've gotta take,” it’s time to sit him down and explain the cold hard reality of the situation to him. Poor guy.

“Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera – From: "The Karate Kid Part II"

“Just like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago, just in time I will save the day, take you to my castle far away.”

Despite the terrifying image that this line conjures, one of Peter Cetera racing toward us, feathered hair a-flying, on a grand white steed, whilst sheathed in heavy armor, this song really cuts right into your heart. And he so earnestly and intensely stares right into the camera here, nay, into your soul.

And regardless of his being so creepily intense, you know that Peter just really and truly believes in the power of lyrics such as these: “You'll keep me standing tall. You'll help me through it all. I'm always strong when you're beside me. I have always needed you. I could never make it alone.”

And maybe the only reason he is sometimes off putting is just because you love him so much that you can genuinely imagine him whispering, “I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you're dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love,” in your ears while he makes to you sweet, sweet, creepy, love.

“She’s Like the Wind” by Patrick Swayze – From: "Dirty Dancing"

Yet another candid, solemn set of deep feelings set to the power of the written and sung word. But these are so especially special, because they are both written and sung by our very favorite Video Curator hero, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

Powerful and simple, yet cheesily artful, and of course set to the video of Dirty Dancing. The reason this song is so deeply loved, is in part, because of such bold statements, “I look in the mirror and all I see, is a young old man with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself that she'll stop the pain? Living without her, I'd go insane!”

YES – you know you’ve been there. Patrick is a simple man, speaking simple words of truth, directed at your ear drum with the power and authority of cupid’s brutal arrow. If you even attempt to claim you’ve never thought you’d go insane without a certain other’s love and affection you will hence be banned from the soothing, healing light of all things touched by Patrick Swayze.

“Almost Paradise” by Mike Reno & Anne Wilson – From: "Footloose"

“And in your arms salvation's not so far away, it’s getting closer, closer every day! Almost paradise, we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more?”

How indeed. Well, what’s missing? Why have they not reached paradise yet, we listeners may wonder?

For these two we can only assume this song is referring to early-stage relationship, sexual encounters. You too, can relate. The elation and excitement of the first couple times, but maybe you are not quite comfortable enough to, how do you say, “Cross the threshold”?

“I thought that dreams belonged to other men, cuz each time I got close they'd fall apart again,” says Mike.

And in response says Anne, “I faced the nights alone. Oh how could I have known, that all my life I only needed you?”

To which they both reply in swelling synchronicity, “Oooh almost paradise we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more”?

In short, it is a song of hope; of sexual honesty. We’re rooting for you two kids. Take heart, and keep on trying. That orgasm will come. So to speak.

Blast to the Near Future - Life Sucks

Ever have one of those days? Wake up grumpy, the whole world seems against you, that time clock ticks slowly by, the world seeming bleaker with every second? Well take heart that your life ain’t so bad. The cliché holds that it could be worse. Why, take for example how shitty your life would be if the planet you lived on was completely covered with water, or if life was so bad on the surface of the planet you had to live underground, near the core of the earth? What if you had a tyrannical authority figure with delusions of grandeur to contend with, constantly talking about how great life will be, if ever on dry land, or actually on the earth's surface, or living in a world free from Saddam Hussein? One that constantly promises a better life, a happy future, only to have your hopes dashed with the grinding reality of day to day existence?

Next time you have one of those unexplainably shitty days, dust off the old VCR player and your box scratched VHS versions of Waterworld and The Matrix 2.

Viewing order importance: What do you care? Life sucks either way.

Waterworld

The harsh, harsh Waterworld of Kevin Costner consists of roughin' it on a boat in the middle of the never-ending ocean. He's wrinkled, sun burned and drinkin' his own pee. And also growing fruit with his own pee. And then some other dude steals his pee grown fruit.

Dry land is a myth, and dirt is worth more than gold. It's very dangerous to live in the Waterworld. People are constantly trying to kill each other for reasons unknown. There is also an unexplainable amount of fire on the Waterworld, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Wouldn't it seem the last thing you should have to worry about on the Waterworld is fire? Drowning, sharks, mold, incessantly pruned fingers, yes. Fire? Not so much. And they are all so flippin’ dirty. How can they be so dirty with so much water around? Yes, it's salt water, but one could still wash with it. And everyone has really dry, chapped lips and skanky hair.

Yes, life does indeed suck on the Waterworld. They scavenge trash and drift around on the water, dying of thirst, boredom and starvation, looking to trade their scavenged trash for other trash. Survival is all there really is to this life, but honestly what is the point? Granted, there are still a couple good looking broads here and there, Jeanne Tripplehorn for one, fair barmaid and schlepper of water.

Unfortunately for Kev, Jeanne comes saddled with a child, none other than Tina Majorino (Deb, Napoleon Dynamite). Young Deb apparently has a map to the mythical dry land tattooed on her back, so all sort of baddies are out to get her. Now Kev has to protect the kid as well as himself, if he wants to keep one of the only hot women on all the Waterworld.

And that's pretty much it. Life undoubtedly sucks on the Waterworld.

The Matrix Reloaded

A one word explanation of why life sucks: Zion. The people living outside of the Matrix seem to think that Zion is paradise, but they are obviously suffering from a highly delusional state, induced by extreme lack of anything to do, outside of talk about "how great" everything will be "someday" if the "chosen one" ever bothers to "show the fuck up already and put an end to those goddamn machines."

A typical Zionist day:

6:30 am – Wake up stewing in own sweat, give thanks to Oracle for blessed day.

6:45 am – Get dressed in handmade, modern, stylish, white Zion fashions.

7:00 am - Eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

8:00 am - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for the very existence of Morpheous, without whom, all would be lost.

9:00 am – Arrive at Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 3 hours, hoping a ship or two requests access.

12:00 pm – Gather around the “Chosen One’s” place of residence with homemade baked goods. Wait for his arrival. No show.

1:00 pm – Return to Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 4 more hours, secretly wishing for Machine attack to alleviate boredom.

5:00 pm – T.O.I.F! Clock out. Catch word of yet another “awesome” cave party, with VIP guest speaker.

5:30 pm – Arrive home, eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

6:30 pm - Get dressed in cooler, dirty, earth-tone, torn clothes, presumably remade from centuries old other clothes, left-over from those who were there “from the beginning.”

6:45 pm – Carefully arrange dreadlocks

7:00 pm - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for sending the Chosen One, even though the little shit hasn’t really done anything “chosen” yet.

8:00 pm – Arrive at cave party, stewing in own sweat.

9:00 pm – Listen to uninspired speech from Morpheous. Wonder who’s buying this bullshit.

10:00 pm – Sweaty dance party commences, get felt up a lot.

11:00 pm – Offer good looking person of opposite sex your personal “access code” to your own private “mainframe.” Get turned down.

12:00 am – Curfew in Zion. Lucky ones return home for hot cave sex to pounding industrial house music mix. Unlucky ones praise Oracle for another day, and bitterly, restlessly, fall asleep, stewing in own sweat.

Repeat.

There you have it – 2 situations were your life could be much, much worse than it already is. The only thing certain on the Waterworld or in Zion is death. At least you’ve got taxes too. Don’t you feel better now?

Denholm Elliott: At Your Service

The Curator’s run in recently with appalling customer service at a major, national retail store chain has inspired a recurring loop of angry thoughts. Not the least among them is how hard it is to find good help these days. Harder still, to find it on the Curator’s shelves in any film dated post-1992, the sad year a true gent of the stage and screen departed the living for that great hospitality service industry in the sky. Denholm Elliott was a graceful, congenial co-star and servant to many a great actor including but not limited to, Harrison Ford, Sean Astin, Lou Gossett, Jr. and Dan Aykroyd. A moment of gratitude then for Denhold Elliott, a jolly good fellow, far in advance of next year’s National Service Professional Appreciation Day.

Trading Places (1983)

Denholm co-stars as Coleman, a bit of an unscrupulous, opportunistic butler. His boss Louis Winthrope is in a bit of a jam. Seems he’s being screwed in a hilarious twist of fate, when his bosses, the wickedly rich Dukes brothers, decide to fuck with his life and make him a poor, transplanting a homeless Eddie Murphy in his high society place. Denholm, caught in the middle as his paycheck does come from the Dukes, at first gleefully plays his role, shutting Dan out in the cold. But, as his desire to serve can not help but spring forth, Denny eventually comes around to serving both Masters well, and even comes out financially on top in the end.

*Fun Curator Fact! This is first movie the Curator saw that prominently featured full-frontal boobies.

**Fun Curator Aside! This was at some sort of over-night party in which the host’s dad’s video collection was raided. Host’s parents were not pleased, and host was subsequently grounded for 2 weeks.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

In his most prominent Indiana Jones franchise role, Denholm actually gets to accompany Indy on an adventure into the spiritual unknown. He not only offers comic relief, story point and biblical explanations for us, the uneducated viewer, but he participates in driving the plot along by getting kidnapped, and with his misadventures in the Nazi tank. Basically, he acts as a surrogate “you.” You bumble, get lost, don’t get the girl, and you don’t get the treasure. You do get a good story though. Denny entertains us and delights us as he keeps up with the Joneses.

Toy Soldiers (1991)

Denny really takes the back seat here, this time to a young, surprisingly buff, Sean Astin. Denholm is the Headmaster at a sleep-away school for rich young punks well-versed in various misbehaviors. As far as plot lines go, that’s usually enough. In this case however, the school is attacked… by Terrorists! As this film was made in 1991, back before Osama bin Laden was invented, these terrorists hail from Columbia, where all evil used to originate from. All that really is of inconsequence; what really matters is these bad boys are the last stand between terrorism and the downfall of America. And who’s there to cheer them on, believe in them even though the rest of the world may have given up on them and maybe even read them a couple bed time stories while on lock-down? Denholm of course, serving in all his capability to the last.

P.S. There is no National Service Professional Appreciation Day.

Body Snatched? How to cope in 5 easy steps

According to film (which would never lie to us) there is at least a 50/50 chance that at some point in your life you may become the victim of a forced, accidental or even purposeful body snatch or switch. As you know, the result of this is your brain/soul becoming switched or shared with the brain/soul of a foreign body. In case of a body-switch emergency, this quick and easy guide will show you how to not only deal, but completely and gracefully overcome the adventure in a 90 to 120 minute window filled with hilarity and heartfelt meaning.

1. Realization

It all starts upon waking from a deep sleep, a slow-mo sequence involving your ghostly essence being lifted out of your body and implanted elsewhere or brief knock to the head. First of all, relax. In most cases, you will come to realize your situation by seeing a face other than your own in the mirror, hearing a strange voice talking to you in your brain or coming out of your mouth, suddenly recognizing things in a house you have never been in before, or by having flashbacks to situations you have never been in, including the imagining of your girlfriend’s mother, 20 years younger, in the sack.

2. Acceptance

You must quickly accept this situation as inevitable to keep the plot moving along. But rest assured you are in good company.

Did you know the likes of Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Jody Foster, Robert Downey Jr., and Cory Feldmen, have all been either mistaken or unwitting victims of a body switch?

Once you accept your situation you must decide whether to keep your new body or immediately try to get out of it. Perhaps you are a 13 year old boy who suddenly has a man-sized johnson with a CEO’s earning potential to match. You may consider staying in your new big body for a while, but know this: if things were that easy, everyone would wish to be “big” on a Zoltar machine. Either way, you will, in most cases, end up having get out of your fake body, so keep this in mind through your adventures.

PS – If you are not “sure” whose body you inhabit, it is a good rule of thumb to not have sex, with anyone, under any circumstances. You never know…

3. Convincing others

Tricky, and in most cases, unnecessary, but each case must be judged on its own merits. You may require the help of another in your switch-back, particularly if you are one in the “cheating death” category, and have recently employed a holy man of generic middle eastern decent.

This is one of the easiest steps however. If you do need to convince someone of your alien-brain to hasten your switch-back, all you need is to display a random personal quirk or share a secret that only you, in your unique position could know, but something that is extremely unlikely that your host body would ever know.

4. Atonement

There is likely a perfectly good reason why you are in your current predicament, and this is also likely very obvious the entire audience. Try not to take it too personal that your bumbling and confusion in this matter, while embarrassing to you, is entertaining to them. If you didn’t want to make an ass of yourself for the amusement of others, you really should have gone into another line of business.

Now, there are usually only a few explanations for your predicament; that this is some sort of personal failure on your part, hence, your needed atonement. Likely reasons include:

a. Greed (Want to be older, younger or avoid death)

b. Important lesson to be learned from person you are switched with, likely due to severe egomania on your part

c. You are dead

If you are dead, try not to take it too personal. This is usually some kind of whimsical plot devise that has the audience either knowingly chortling or wiping away a bitter-sweat tear.

Your personal failings may be hard to accept, but you are going to have to suck it up and deal for the good of the plot. The reason for your switch will become obvious to you through a natural progression of events, and is directly related to your path of atonement. It is important for you to completely accept the reason for your switch, and right those wrongs. This is a life changing experience for you, look beyond the superficial, and confront the very darkness of your own inner workings. And stop tormenting that old man down the street.

5. Post-switch back behavior

Once you have righted any wrongs and/or received a token swift kick to the ass of your ego, you will be switched back to your original body. You are expected to react with overwhelming gratefulness, heightened appreciation of your original situation and the people around you followed by a respectful humbleness. You have just been through a very trying ordeal, but it is important to remember the deep life lesson that you have been taught, without being too haughty about it. You are now a little bit wiser, try and keep it that way.

For further instruction, recommended viewing includes: Chances Are, All of Me, Freaky Friday (1976), Big, Dream a Little Dream