The Unsung Glory of Joe Don Baker

Joe Don Baker is a hero of a movie star. Why? Well, Joe Don is not afraid to play what he is. With rutty face in various stages of bloat and constant can of beer in hand, he is true to his essence, heroically taking on the lesser role again and again. The handsome starring role, the funny-man lead, or any sympathetic character? You will find none of these in Joe Don’s repertoire. He’ll break every rule without regret, unapologetically leave porn on the couch, and fill those size 40 pants every time, all for the good of the movie. So wave that American flag and settle your fat ass down onto your beer-stained-couch with potato chips between the cushions. Joe Don, we salute you with a triple feature!!!

The Films: Fletch, Cape Fear (1991), Mitchell

Viewing order importance: Mitchell is the finale, always

Fletch
Joe Don stars opposite funny man Chevy Chase as corrupt police Chief Captain Karlin. Who else could play the enemy in a Chevy Chase vehicle? Everyone knows that Chevy is gonna come out on top, but somebody’s got to be the bad guy. There is of course Tim Matheson, but he plays a bigot with two wives, so at least he’s getting something out of the deal. Not a whole lot of screen time here, but in the sparse moments he has, he proves his bad-guy self quickly, by taking away Chevy’s first amendment rights, threatening to kill him if he writes a certain news article, turning on his drug smuggling partner, and posing for a photograph with Tommy Lasorda. Off-screen he puts together the grandest drug smuggling scheme the City of Angels has ever seen. The corrupt police chief goes down every time in such comedic feel-good type films, but no one else could go down with the class of Joe Don. He sayeth, “Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?” All right, Joe Don. All right indeed.

Cape Fear
First off, the man drinks Jim Beam and Pepto Bismol. Mixed together. There is nothing more fucking tough than that. Not to mention how soothing it is.

Second, check these quotes out:
"Think of a gun as an extension of your fist. You’re just reaching out and knockin’ a man down. Boom! Later on, we’ll go out to the woods, and shoot some trees."
AND
“Well, gee golly gosh. I sure am sorry I offended you, you white trash piece of shit.”
Here Joe Don plays a private dick, helping out the Bowden family with intimidation tactics to scary off Mr. Max Cady, and by playing a vital role in household protection services. Well, he doesn’t do a very good job, but does have some pretty great trapping and wounding ideas, like “doing a little hospital job” on someone with “two pieces of pipe and a bicycle chain.” But nothing quite beats wiring every window, door and opening in the house to a teddy bear and sitting and staring at it all night. "If the bear moves a quarter of an inch, I know if the Holy Ghost is sneaking in." Unfortunately the Jim Beam and Pepto slowed his judgment and he gets strangled with a piano wire. May he rest in peace.

Mitchell
Joe Don actually has the starring, name-sake role in Mitchell, an impressive feat for the co-stars of the Dollar Video Curator, which is why the best must be saved for last. Mitchell is a soft-bellied cop with a penchant for not letting the "rules" get in the way of solving a case, and this time he is on the busting end of a drug smuggle gone awry. The first time we see Mitchell he is passed out drunk in the back of a black and white. Under arrest? Ah hell no. Just catching a ride to the crime scene.

Some of the finer points of Mitchell: the slow speed car chase up the Hollywood Hill complete with sweet chase bass, the arguing and yelling at of some kid while on a stakeout, the kicking of an old lady out of her car, followed by that car’s explosion, a chopper dropping a gun down to Mitchell who is involved in a foot chase, followed by a yacht/chopper chase, climaxed by a leap from chopper onto yacht with fist fights, choking, and shootings.

The pièce de résistance however, is the Joe Don/Linda Evans sex scene. Linda is a prostitute, whom Joe Don first seduces by elegantly spilling beer foam on her knee. The scene consists of three repeating shots: one of them kissing, one of the two of them completely covered by, and struggling under, a sheet, and one of their feet rubbing together. These scenes are then edited by using each clip over and over in varying combinations, interrupted only by Mitchell grabbing a sixer of Schlitz with his big toe. Mid-climax we can only imagine. Then he arrests her for soliciting sex. From him.

A memorable exchange:
Linda as Greta: He lays me, then busts me.
Mitchell: Well, she asked me to.
Police Clerk: What, lay her or bust her?
Mitchell: Both!

An American hero, through and through, we celebrate Joe Don for his commitment to playing the man we all want to see. The man we all want to be. The man buying Jim Beam, Pepto and Schlitz from the corner liquor store as he hitches up his pants, winks at that little girly pumping gas across the street, and then peels out on a wet city street, hurrying home to the prostitute who lay upon his hide-a-bed couch in a den littered with empty beer cans, over flowing ashtrays and abandoned TV dinner boxes.

He kicks the apartment door in and things really start to heat up. She bolts upright, startled by the sound, and by the mighty smell of sweat-soaked testosterone, a crusty sheet wrapped around her midsection. He sexily smirks as he removes his strangling neck tie and the 15 pounds of weaponry from the small of his back, the holsters beneath his jacket, and at his ankle. A belt buckle is undone, an ottoman tripped over. A dog barks in the distance as he falls upon her alcohol saturated skin……

Rated XXX, obviously.