Bad 80's Boyfriends

Ah romance. Every good video watcher is acutely aware of the down-on-love, romantic teenage flicks that played out with so many star-struck Romeos and Juliets in the idealistic 80’s. We cheered for our plucky, beautiful, yet misunderstood Andie Walshes, Diane Courts, and Wattes in the face of so much love adversity, whether what they lacked was money, an understanding father, or girl’s underwear, and rested easy at the end when they got their men. But should we have? For every one of these “ideal” movie boyfriends, sure signs of loser-dom each display. Here’s just a few reasons why you should’ve run for the hills ladies!

Ferris Bueller
(Matthew Broderick) –
He of the Day Off
Major Flaw: Too eager

Yes, he’s charming, cute, fun-loving, inventive and obviously coveted by every other girl in your school, but sheesh. The dude’s talking marriage and he hasn’t even graduated from high school. Sloane, you are way too hot to hitch your star to that wagon. Advice: go to college first and get your M.R.S. from a proper institution.

Blane McDonough (Andrew McCarthy) –
Pretty In Pink

Major Flaw: Conformist

Obviously he cares way too much about status, not too mention what his friends and parents think. He may be willing to make a grand display of devotion at prom, showing his independence when the cameras are rolling, but think about it. If he’s willing to trade-up so easily now when your body’s slammin’ and there is nary a wrinkle or sag, better think to the future. Or marry him fast before he learns the words “Pre-nup.”

Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz) –
Some Kind of Wonderful
Major Flaw: Superficial
Secondary Flaw: Clueless

You may think his ultra-nemesis Hardy Jenns is more worthy of distinction in this category, but we disagree whole-heartedly. Hardy is what he is. He makes no apology for being a complete dick-face, threatening social stigmata upon every girl who denies his advance, and is not afraid to buy adoration. Keith on the other hand, for all his hatred of Hardy, really is just doing the same thing: buy the prettiest girl in school using his college tuition to purchase a pair of diamond earrings. Not to mention the fact that he’s got a perfectly willing piece right in front of his face and is too stupid to notice.

Danny LaRusso (Ralph Macchio) – The Karate Kid
Major Flaw: Obsessed with violence

Poor little Ali here is just bouncing from one bully to the next up-and-coming. Danny seems like he just may be trying to stick up for himself, but all he really wants is to learn some serious moves that will totally fuck your shit up. This relationship is only going to end in court. And likely the hospital.

Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser) –
Just One of the Guys
Major Flaw: Gender confusion

Sure everyone doubts their sexuality at one time or another, but Terry takes it to the extreme. Transferring schools to assume new identity as a male, followed by whole lot of wardrobe malfunctions, not to mention falling in love with another boy…well. Girls, you’re signing up for a life time of closet sharing. He may be sympathetic to what women want, but this one is just not worth the trouble.

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) –
The Empire Strikes Back
Major Flaw: Egotistical, cold and unfeeling

Every girl’s greatest fear, finally getting up the nerve to utter that fateful “L” word, only to be answered with “I know.” Then afterwards he’s just so cold, emotionless, and unresponsive.

Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) –
Say Anything
Major Flaw: Too needy, border line stalker

The film that single-handedly allowed teenagers everywhere to believe in the old “opposites attract” adage, forever tying one’s high school love affair memories to moody, mixed tapes starring Peter Gabriel songs. A hint ladies: when you break up with a guy to pursue your education and he stalks around your house at all hours of the day blasting music to get your attention, this is NOT a good thing. Anyone who is worthy of such adoration at 18 should note they can likely do better than a kick-boxing instructor.

LT Pete "Maverick" Mitchell
(Tom Cruise) -
Top Gun
Major Flaw: Gay