Dollar Video Curator

Things that were good about Guy Ritchie's "Revolver"

2008-04-05T01:25:00.001-07:00

1. It ended.
2. .

Forgotten, but not gone

2008-03-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

Darkness before the dawn. Look to the east....we shall return soon.

Questions from the Audience

2007-11-13T16:26:00.001-08:00

It is time once again for the Curator to take some questions from our audience. The quality (free) reporting provided by our Web counter and statistics service tells us we have some very curious searchers out there. We are flattered you have come to the Curator for advice. Please see below for answers to your queries not directly addressed by our previous posts.

“Good cop bad cop scenario works” – According to our sources, yes. It does.

“Identify good cop bad cop” – This can indeed be tricky for the lay person. In general, if you find yourself watching a movie with two cops as the main characters, working together, albeit reluctantly (at least at first), and one of them starts yelling and threatening a witness while the other hangs back, making empty statements like, “I can’t control him (her). He (She) always does this kind of thing. You should have seen what happened to the last guy (gal). Just give us something, and I can call my partner off,” you can identify the movie to be within the “good cop, bad cop” genre.

“Tom Cruise appears in grease” – The movie, no. The substance, likely.

“Sweetgirl (dollar money)” – Why, thank you!

“Johnny Castle threesome” – Wow, don’t we wish!

"Body switch dream meaning” – We don’t pretend to be an expert on the meaning of dreams, but if we let movies be our guide, which of course they are, we would warn you that if you find yourself in another’s body it is likely NOT a dream. Proceed accordingly.

“I would lie for a dollar experiment” – Who wouldn’t?!

“Nipple sucking video” – Alas, our coverage does not extend into the review of Soft-Core Dollar Porn. Not yet anyway.

“Lactation movie blogger” – See above. Also see “Shoot ‘Em Up,” with Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci.

“Embarrassing gymnastic uniform malfunction video” – We might suggest broadening your search strategy here. “Embarrassing” implies unintentional, and is also subjective. See Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake.

“Male swimming boner” – Let’s not bring our personal video collection into this.

“Heavy. Weight. Honeys.” – While we have no specific suggestions for you, we appreciate the intensity that your search strategy suggests, demonstrated by the addition of periods after each word. It is as if you propose, alone, each word is of significant importance, but together, they become an unstoppable force of possibility. We can not disagree.

5 Sickeningly Sappy Movie Songs *And Why You Love Them!

2007-11-10T14:41:00.000-08:00

“If You Leave” by OMD – From: "Pretty in Pink"

“If you leave, don’t leave now. Please don’t take my heart away. Promise me, just one more night. Then we’ll go our separate ways.”

What teenager can’t imagine the heartbreaking, beautiful sadness of only being allowed one more night, for whatever cruel, cruel reason.

Never mind the blatant contradiction of OMD, singing in one line that they won’t let go of us at any price, and then quicker that you can exhale a deep, soft shuddery sigh of resignation to stay, they’re stating they’ll be running in the other direction the second our feet hit the pavement. Those New Wave British Synth-Pop groups are all the same.

“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins – From “Against All Odds”

There is something just absolutely irresistible about Phil Collins' sad-sack honesty in this song. “I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You're the only one who really knew me at all.”

It’s so weepily pathetic you just want to wrap him up in a blanket, share a cup of hot cocoa and have well deserved, long-needed cry with him. Misery loves company after all. But when Phil belts these last lines out, “Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here, and you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've gotta take,” it’s time to sit him down and explain the cold hard reality of the situation to him. Poor guy.

“Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera – From: "The Karate Kid Part II"

“Just like a knight in shining armor from a long time ago, just in time I will save the day, take you to my castle far away.”

Despite the terrifying image that this line conjures, one of Peter Cetera racing toward us, feathered hair a-flying, on a grand white steed, whilst sheathed in heavy armor, this song really cuts right into your heart. And he so earnestly and intensely stares right into the camera here, nay, into your soul.

And regardless of his being so creepily intense, you know that Peter just really and truly believes in the power of lyrics such as these: “You'll keep me standing tall. You'll help me through it all. I'm always strong when you're beside me. I have always needed you. I could never make it alone.”

And maybe the only reason he is sometimes off putting is just because you love him so much that you can genuinely imagine him whispering, “I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you're dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love,” in your ears while he makes to you sweet, sweet, creepy, love.

“She’s Like the Wind” by Patrick Swayze – From: "Dirty Dancing"

Yet another candid, solemn set of deep feelings set to the power of the written and sung word. But these are so especially special, because they are both written and sung by our very favorite Video Curator hero, Mr. Patrick Swayze.

Powerful and simple, yet cheesily artful, and of course set to the video of Dirty Dancing. The reason this song is so deeply loved, is in part, because of such bold statements, “I look in the mirror and all I see, is a young old man with only a dream. Am I just fooling myself that she'll stop the pain? Living without her, I'd go insane!”

YES – you know you’ve been there. Patrick is a simple man, speaking simple words of truth, directed at your ear drum with the power and authority of cupid’s brutal arrow. If you even attempt to claim you’ve never thought you’d go insane without a certain other’s love and affection you will hence be banned from the soothing, healing light of all things touched by Patrick Swayze.

“Almost Paradise” by Mike Reno & Anne Wilson – From: "Footloose"

“And in your arms salvation's not so far away, it’s getting closer, closer every day! Almost paradise, we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more?”

How indeed. Well, what’s missing? Why have they not reached paradise yet, we listeners may wonder?

For these two we can only assume this song is referring to early-stage relationship, sexual encounters. You too, can relate. The elation and excitement of the first couple times, but maybe you are not quite comfortable enough to, how do you say, “Cross the threshold”?

“I thought that dreams belonged to other men, cuz each time I got close they'd fall apart again,” says Mike.

And in response says Anne, “I faced the nights alone. Oh how could I have known, that all my life I only needed you?”

To which they both reply in swelling synchronicity, “Oooh almost paradise we're knocking on heavens door. Almost paradise, how could we ask for more”?

In short, it is a song of hope; of sexual honesty. We’re rooting for you two kids. Take heart, and keep on trying. That orgasm will come. So to speak.

Blast to the Near Future - Life Sucks

2007-11-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days? Wake up grumpy, the whole world seems against you, that time clock ticks slowly by, the world seeming bleaker with every second? Well take heart that your life ain’t so bad. The cliché holds that it could be worse. Why, take for example how shitty your life would be if the planet you lived on was completely covered with water, or if life was so bad on the surface of the planet you had to live underground, near the core of the earth? What if you had a tyrannical authority figure with delusions of grandeur to contend with, constantly talking about how great life will be, if ever on dry land, or actually on the earth's surface, or living in a world free from Saddam Hussein? One that constantly promises a better life, a happy future, only to have your hopes dashed with the grinding reality of day to day existence?

Next time you have one of those unexplainably shitty days, dust off the old VCR player and your box scratched VHS versions of Waterworld and The Matrix 2.

Viewing order importance: What do you care? Life sucks either way.

Waterworld

The harsh, harsh Waterworld of Kevin Costner consists of roughin' it on a boat in the middle of the never-ending ocean. He's wrinkled, sun burned and drinkin' his own pee. And also growing fruit with his own pee. And then some other dude steals his pee grown fruit.

Dry land is a myth, and dirt is worth more than gold. It's very dangerous to live in the Waterworld. People are constantly trying to kill each other for reasons unknown. There is also an unexplainable amount of fire on the Waterworld, which doesn't make a lot of sense. Wouldn't it seem the last thing you should have to worry about on the Waterworld is fire? Drowning, sharks, mold, incessantly pruned fingers, yes. Fire? Not so much. And they are all so flippin’ dirty. How can they be so dirty with so much water around? Yes, it's salt water, but one could still wash with it. And everyone has really dry, chapped lips and skanky hair.

Yes, life does indeed suck on the Waterworld. They scavenge trash and drift around on the water, dying of thirst, boredom and starvation, looking to trade their scavenged trash for other trash. Survival is all there really is to this life, but honestly what is the point? Granted, there are still a couple good looking broads here and there, Jeanne Tripplehorn for one, fair barmaid and schlepper of water.

Unfortunately for Kev, Jeanne comes saddled with a child, none other than Tina Majorino (Deb, Napoleon Dynamite). Young Deb apparently has a map to the mythical dry land tattooed on her back, so all sort of baddies are out to get her. Now Kev has to protect the kid as well as himself, if he wants to keep one of the only hot women on all the Waterworld.

And that's pretty much it. Life undoubtedly sucks on the Waterworld.

The Matrix Reloaded

A one word explanation of why life sucks: Zion. The people living outside of the Matrix seem to think that Zion is paradise, but they are obviously suffering from a highly delusional state, induced by extreme lack of anything to do, outside of talk about "how great" everything will be "someday" if the "chosen one" ever bothers to "show the fuck up already and put an end to those goddamn machines."

A typical Zionist day:

6:30 am – Wake up stewing in own sweat, give thanks to Oracle for blessed day.

6:45 am – Get dressed in handmade, modern, stylish, white Zion fashions.

7:00 am - Eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

8:00 am - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for the very existence of Morpheous, without whom, all would be lost.

9:00 am – Arrive at Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 3 hours, hoping a ship or two requests access.

12:00 pm – Gather around the “Chosen One’s” place of residence with homemade baked goods. Wait for his arrival. No show.

1:00 pm – Return to Zion mainframe control job, clock in, check out, stare at invisible wall for 4 more hours, secretly wishing for Machine attack to alleviate boredom.

5:00 pm – T.O.I.F! Clock out. Catch word of yet another “awesome” cave party, with VIP guest speaker.

5:30 pm – Arrive home, eat highly questionable food stuffs, origination unknown, give thanks to Oracle.

6:30 pm - Get dressed in cooler, dirty, earth-tone, torn clothes, presumably remade from centuries old other clothes, left-over from those who were there “from the beginning.”

6:45 pm – Carefully arrange dreadlocks

7:00 pm - Join prayer group, give thanks to Oracle for sending the Chosen One, even though the little shit hasn’t really done anything “chosen” yet.

8:00 pm – Arrive at cave party, stewing in own sweat.

9:00 pm – Listen to uninspired speech from Morpheous. Wonder who’s buying this bullshit.

10:00 pm – Sweaty dance party commences, get felt up a lot.

11:00 pm – Offer good looking person of opposite sex your personal “access code” to your own private “mainframe.” Get turned down.

12:00 am – Curfew in Zion. Lucky ones return home for hot cave sex to pounding industrial house music mix. Unlucky ones praise Oracle for another day, and bitterly, restlessly, fall asleep, stewing in own sweat.

Repeat.

There you have it – 2 situations were your life could be much, much worse than it already is. The only thing certain on the Waterworld or in Zion is death. At least you’ve got taxes too. Don’t you feel better now?

Denholm Elliott: At Your Service

2007-10-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Curator’s run in recently with appalling customer service at a major, national retail store chain has inspired a recurring loop of angry thoughts. Not the least among them is how hard it is to find good help these days. Harder still, to find it on the Curator’s shelves in any film dated post-1992, the sad year a true gent of the stage and screen departed the living for that great hospitality service industry in the sky. Denholm Elliott was a graceful, congenial co-star and servant to many a great actor including but not limited to, Harrison Ford, Sean Astin, Lou Gossett, Jr. and Dan Aykroyd. A moment of gratitude then for Denhold Elliott, a jolly good fellow, far in advance of next year’s National Service Professional Appreciation Day.

Trading Places (1983)

Denholm co-stars as Coleman, a bit of an unscrupulous, opportunistic butler. His boss Louis Winthrope is in a bit of a jam. Seems he’s being screwed in a hilarious twist of fate, when his bosses, the wickedly rich Dukes brothers, decide to fuck with his life and make him a poor, transplanting a homeless Eddie Murphy in his high society place. Denholm, caught in the middle as his paycheck does come from the Dukes, at first gleefully plays his role, shutting Dan out in the cold. But, as his desire to serve can not help but spring forth, Denny eventually comes around to serving both Masters well, and even comes out financially on top in the end.

*Fun Curator Fact! This is first movie the Curator saw that prominently featured full-frontal boobies.

**Fun Curator Aside! This was at some sort of over-night party in which the host’s dad’s video collection was raided. Host’s parents were not pleased, and host was subsequently grounded for 2 weeks.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

In his most prominent Indiana Jones franchise role, Denholm actually gets to accompany Indy on an adventure into the spiritual unknown. He not only offers comic relief, story point and biblical explanations for us, the uneducated viewer, but he participates in driving the plot along by getting kidnapped, and with his misadventures in the Nazi tank. Basically, he acts as a surrogate “you.” You bumble, get lost, don’t get the girl, and you don’t get the treasure. You do get a good story though. Denny entertains us and delights us as he keeps up with the Joneses.

Toy Soldiers (1991)

Denny really takes the back seat here, this time to a young, surprisingly buff, Sean Astin. Denholm is the Headmaster at a sleep-away school for rich young punks well-versed in various misbehaviors. As far as plot lines go, that’s usually enough. In this case however, the school is attacked… by Terrorists! As this film was made in 1991, back before Osama bin Laden was invented, these terrorists hail from Columbia, where all evil used to originate from. All that really is of inconsequence; what really matters is these bad boys are the last stand between terrorism and the downfall of America. And who’s there to cheer them on, believe in them even though the rest of the world may have given up on them and maybe even read them a couple bed time stories while on lock-down? Denholm of course, serving in all his capability to the last.

P.S. There is no National Service Professional Appreciation Day.

Body Snatched? How to cope in 5 easy steps

2007-09-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

According to film (which would never lie to us) there is at least a 50/50 chance that at some point in your life you may become the victim of a forced, accidental or even purposeful body snatch or switch. As you know, the result of this is your brain/soul becoming switched or shared with the brain/soul of a foreign body. In case of a body-switch emergency, this quick and easy guide will show you how to not only deal, but completely and gracefully overcome the adventure in a 90 to 120 minute window filled with hilarity and heartfelt meaning.

1. Realization

It all starts upon waking from a deep sleep, a slow-mo sequence involving your ghostly essence being lifted out of your body and implanted elsewhere or brief knock to the head. First of all, relax. In most cases, you will come to realize your situation by seeing a face other than your own in the mirror, hearing a strange voice talking to you in your brain or coming out of your mouth, suddenly recognizing things in a house you have never been in before, or by having flashbacks to situations you have never been in, including the imagining of your girlfriend’s mother, 20 years younger, in the sack.

2. Acceptance

You must quickly accept this situation as inevitable to keep the plot moving along. But rest assured you are in good company.

Did you know the likes of Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Jody Foster, Robert Downey Jr., and Cory Feldmen, have all been either mistaken or unwitting victims of a body switch?

Once you accept your situation you must decide whether to keep your new body or immediately try to get out of it. Perhaps you are a 13 year old boy who suddenly has a man-sized johnson with a CEO’s earning potential to match. You may consider staying in your new big body for a while, but know this: if things were that easy, everyone would wish to be “big” on a Zoltar machine. Either way, you will, in most cases, end up having get out of your fake body, so keep this in mind through your adventures.

PS – If you are not “sure” whose body you inhabit, it is a good rule of thumb to not have sex, with anyone, under any circumstances. You never know…

3. Convincing others

Tricky, and in most cases, unnecessary, but each case must be judged on its own merits. You may require the help of another in your switch-back, particularly if you are one in the “cheating death” category, and have recently employed a holy man of generic middle eastern decent.

This is one of the easiest steps however. If you do need to convince someone of your alien-brain to hasten your switch-back, all you need is to display a random personal quirk or share a secret that only you, in your unique position could know, but something that is extremely unlikely that your host body would ever know.

4. Atonement

There is likely a perfectly good reason why you are in your current predicament, and this is also likely very obvious the entire audience. Try not to take it too personal that your bumbling and confusion in this matter, while embarrassing to you, is entertaining to them. If you didn’t want to make an ass of yourself for the amusement of others, you really should have gone into another line of business.

Now, there are usually only a few explanations for your predicament; that this is some sort of personal failure on your part, hence, your needed atonement. Likely reasons include:

a. Greed (Want to be older, younger or avoid death)

b. Important lesson to be learned from person you are switched with, likely due to severe egomania on your part

c. You are dead

If you are dead, try not to take it too personal. This is usually some kind of whimsical plot devise that has the audience either knowingly chortling or wiping away a bitter-sweat tear.

Your personal failings may be hard to accept, but you are going to have to suck it up and deal for the good of the plot. The reason for your switch will become obvious to you through a natural progression of events, and is directly related to your path of atonement. It is important for you to completely accept the reason for your switch, and right those wrongs. This is a life changing experience for you, look beyond the superficial, and confront the very darkness of your own inner workings. And stop tormenting that old man down the street.

5. Post-switch back behavior

Once you have righted any wrongs and/or received a token swift kick to the ass of your ego, you will be switched back to your original body. You are expected to react with overwhelming gratefulness, heightened appreciation of your original situation and the people around you followed by a respectful humbleness. You have just been through a very trying ordeal, but it is important to remember the deep life lesson that you have been taught, without being too haughty about it. You are now a little bit wiser, try and keep it that way.

For further instruction, recommended viewing includes: Chances Are, All of Me, Freaky Friday (1976), Big, Dream a Little Dream

The Manny Diaries: Clive Owen, Savior of Babies

2007-09-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Many, many things cross our mind when pondering the wonder of Clive Owen. Rugged good looks, dark brooding nature, a proper, soft-spoken accent. We know he’s tough, we know he can handle a piece. We know he can deal a card, dispose of a body, give a woman a good lovin’ and even lower himself to employment in the service industry of the ultra-wealthy.

But heart of gold? Embracer of responsibility? A sensitive side which reliably points, like a compass northward, to the constant acceptance of fatherhood in bizarre and unlikely situations? Oh yes. Underneath that ultra-suave, manly exterior and boyishly tussled brown locks, lay a sweet, soft spot for the weak and the helpless; the defenseless baby who crazy mad-men are always set on killing whenever he is around.

"Chosen" (2001) – short film from The Hire series. Directed by Ang Lee.

Clive Owen “The Driver,” around whom this thinly disguised BWM commercial series is based, must protect a holy monk-child that was brought to America by boat, and deliver him into the hands of a monk safe-house. Upon their meeting, the child gives The Driver a gift, but he is not to open it until the end of said short film.

Clive deftly protects the kid on a short car ride to the safe-house, somehow managing in his BMW to out-smart and out-run a Dodge Neon, and delivers the child to the pre-described location. But almost as if able to read the boy-god’s mind, he knows trouble lay around the corner here. How ever does he discern that the monk in cowboy boots may not be quite legit? Well, because he is in tune with babies, for one. He quickly disposes of the bad guys, and when all is well, departs the scene.

On his way to next do-gooder adventure, The Driver opens the gift. It is revealed to be an Incredible Hulk bandage for his bleeding ear, a most lame self-referential moment. Oh Ang. If only this were made in 2005, you could have made pathetic reference to your far superior gay cowboy flick, rather than your failure of a green hulking monster movie. Oh, maybe that’s why the monk had those boots on….Oh Ang! You are too brilliant.

Children of Men (2006) directed by Alfonso Cuaron

The year is 2027, and it is a grim world in which two decades of world-wide infertility has left the humans with less than a century to survive. London is a haven into which illegal immigrants try to get, where Clive exists as a sad sack, working a crappy government job. That is until he finds his true calling – Savior of Babies.

His ex-wife, a revolutionary with a short lifeline, introduces him to a miraculously pregnant African refugee, who needs to be transported away from the chaos and terrorism of those who would exploit her, by taking her to a sanctuary at sea. Along the way Clive demonstrates his unique brand of bravado and tenderness, and skills of shooting, killing, driving, and culminating in his delivering of the miracle baby in a dingy room. It’s a dirty job, and Clive’s not only gotta do it, he wants to. In the end he of course must sacrifice himself to get the girl and her baby to safety, because who is he in the grand scheme of it all, merely a man. A man ready to sacrifice himself for a baby.

Shoot 'Em Up (2007) directed by Michael Davis

Once again, our Clive finds himself immediately in the role of baby saver. One brutal shoot-out later, and he’s down there again, gazing into the crotch of a woman he just met, delivering her baby. While shooting all the bad guys.

What to do next? Well the woman is dead, and he can’t just leave that kid there, amidst the mad-men. So he wraps baby up, and removing his own sock to keep baby’s head warm, and off he goes to find a lactating prostitute. Kid’s gotta eat.

Initially, he tries to pawn baby off, what does this tough guy know about babies after all. But once again, his conscious, his true nature bubbles up, and he dons his super-saving baby cape/private dick personality. He personally solves the complex crime set-up and single-handedly, saves baby, the surrogate lactating hooker-mom, and hence, himself. And a happy nipple sucking ending is had by all.

Conclusion:
Clive Owen, savior of babies, savior of us all.

Better Presidents (than the one we’ve got)

2007-08-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when the American Presidency was honorable? When the white man in charge of the rest of us was a symbol of heroism, strength, grand-fatherhood, power and hope? He was the American Dream personified; a symbolic pillar of our nation’s pride, wealth, freedom and justice. Remember? Well, neither do we, but we do seem to recall such references being made to our past Presidents’ noble statures in our ratty, broken-binding Public School history textbooks – the ones that covered current American History all the way up to the fine and memorable presidency of William Taft.

Patriotism lives in our heart of hearts, after all. And in honor of what the US Presidency should be, or at least, should aspire to be, here is a list of fictional film Presidents who, for all their faults, are still better than our current White House Resident-Evil.

The American President – President Andrew Shepherd’s major flaw is horniness. Lonely widower wants to make time with a hotty environmental lobbyist. And what’s wrong with that? Well, Americans like their Presidents either in sexless marriages or completely virginal, for one, and opposition Senator Rumsom really knows how to hit below the belt. He attacks the Prez on the grounds of moral corruption, and the lady on the ground of “Grand Slut-itude” with the usual right-wing flourish for keeping sex in the headlines and on the minds of the very American People who claim to abhor it. But President Shepherd knows there’s what’s right and there’s what’s right, and sticking up for his lady rather than siding with the Phantom Moral American Electorate, despite his poll numbers, makes him the bigger man in the end.

Air Force One – It’s fairly hard to find any weakness in Harrison Ford’s portrayal of the ass-kicking President James Marshall, save one, and it’s a big one: He NEGOTIATES WITH THE TERRORISTS!! The first rule of American Presidenting, the very first thing they teach in Presidenting 101, is that, We the American People NEVER Negotiate with Terrorists. Unfortunately, President Marshall breaks that rule here when under duress, to save his daughter’s life. Huh. But do we hold that against him, when looking upon his administration’s legacy within the historical context of the film? No, because he made up for it in spades by kicking ass in major ways, killing the bad guys, the bad guys helpers, and saving the day.

Dave – This guy really puts our current “leader” to shame. He is everything that W claims to be, just a normal, beer-drinking kind of guy with a no-nonsense view of the world, and simplistic solutions to complex policy problems. The difference? Dave actually solves the problems, explains the issues with clever antidotes, and gets his cabinet to agree to self-explanatory, meaningful budget cuts for the greater good of furthering actual policy. We suspect the fact that Dave has a 5^th grader’s command of the English language is giving him a bit of a unfair advantage when in direct comparison to George, so maybe we are bit being a bit unfairly biased here. But P.S., he's not even really the president, and he still does a better job.

Idiocracy – There is no better way to describe the smack-down awesomeness of President Camacho than as evidenced by his State of the Union speech: “Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit. I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now.” He knows how to sway a crowd, speak moronically to the masses, pass blame around a room and make plenty of empty promises. Well then, how is he better than Bush you might ask? Simple. He admits when he is wrong. He may have condemned Secretary of the Interior Not Sure to death for failure to fix “all the shit’s that’s fucked up,” but when he finds out that Not Sure in fact, DID fix up all that shit, he stopped the public execution by Extreme Monster Truck Elimination. Now that’s the kind of president we want in our corner. Ding!

Conclusion: Needless to say, there is hardly anything earth shattering being stated here. At this point, anyone, from the idealistically- portrayed, Hollywood movie characters, all the way down the line to that guy outside our office eating the last quarter of week-old burrito from a trash can, would do a better job than our W.

Only 17 months to go…

Footloose – How to Turn Your Town Around in Four Easy Steps

2007-07-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

The Curator has been working so hard. We keep punching our card. Eight hours - for what? Oh, tell us what we got. We get this feeling…that time's just holding us down. We’ll hit the ceiling, or else we'll tear up this town.

But what to do about it? What we need is an action plan.

FIRST - We Got to Turn You Around

We’ll do that by showing you, in not uncertain terms, why our back-water small town and it’s “laws” are jacked. Dry town? Sure, we can see that. Hicks hate everything but church and guns anyway, and teenagers have absolutely no desire to experiment with the spirits, so they’ll never miss it.

But pass a law against dancing? Jump back. That’s just asking for trouble. Why? Because when a big town hero like Ren moves in, a guy who likes his music loud and hopin’ and his VW bug a-rockin’, he’s gonna start some trouble. He’s got an attitude that needs watching, to be sure, and he is just the kind of hero that we need.

He’ll begin his discourse with an initial vocalization his discontent, and by the breaking of a few “rules”. But it will be enough to rattle the establishment, to encourage a bit of intro-level disobedience. Some folk’ll start to doubt the seemingly perfect air of righteousness permeating this town.

SECOND - You put your feet on the ground

Kick off your Sunday shoes and stand firm. You're playing so cool, obeying every rule. But if you dig way down in your heart, you’ll find that you're yearning, burning, for someone to tell you that life ain’t passing you by.

So what are you waiting for? First of all don’t let a little thing like an all-powerful Reverend or intimidating town hall meeting get in your way. Speak from your heart, and believe in your dreams. And if the best argument that you can come up with is, “It’s Our Time Dance,” then “Our Time to Dance” it is.

THIRD - Now take a hold of your soul

You can fly if you'd only…
This is what empty warehouses, school gymnasiums and the vague unused spaces of stretching farmland are for. And thanks to the corporate-ization of America, your town should have plenty of those.

Here is where you take your frustration out at being held back in the first place (solo-gymnastic-inspired dancing sequences) and the betterment of the lives of others (teaching hopelessly uncoordinated shit kickers how to get jiggy.) Soon you will realize that not only are these spaces perfect for self-discovery and some heart-felt, intense soul searching, but are also useable for the greater good, for the showcase of your teen-spirit, your life-affirming dance of the small-town gods!

FOUR - Whooooooooa, I'm turning it…loose…FOOTLOOSE!

Initially, everyone may appear a bit intimidated by this new life-order, but give them a break, they’ve never even danced before. Lives have been changed, stereotypes have been exploded. All that you’ll need for the final push is an ass-shaking Kenny Loggins tune to get this party started.

Here at last, is where you may reap your reward. Not only is Prom a complete success, but you have succeeded in effectively opening the eyes of all those stodgy, fun-killing, religious wackos in your town’s high political positions. Now dance you fool! And enjoy the self-satisfied sparkle that you emit, touching everyone in your wake.

5 Lessons Learned from Cocoon

2007-07-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

5 Lessons Learned from Cocoon:

1. Old people are feisty – They get uproarious and passionate about things, and not just a lack of 4 pm supper options. Also they curse, want to have adventures involving trespassing and sneaky swimming in abandoned pools, and they talk about farting, boners and ball sacks.

2. Old people are selfish – Aliens be damned! They don’t care if swimming in a pool for the restoration of their fleeting youth at the good graces of a couple kindly aliens sucks the life blood out of 10,000 year old space travelers. When the time comes to ditch this world for the next they are willing to do it at the expense of anyone who gets in there way. Earthlings be damned!

3. Aliens are not all bad – It could be the rest of our video collection talking, but we were shocked to discover not all aliens want to destroy, dismember, melt faces, kidnap hicks for scientific research purposes, and/or obliterate civilizations. Some will, for absolutely no reason, save a group of good-for-nothing old timers from certain death, even though they have done nothing but contribute to a pain in their glowing asses for the last 90 minutes.

4. Yelling “Fountain of Youth” in a crowded old-folks home is akin to yelling “Fire” in a movie theatre. And we now know this from our own experience (both instances)

5. Old people still "do it" – And talk about doing it. And apparently want to do it with other old people. Also see # 1.

Who knew?!

Bad 80's Boyfriends

2007-06-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

Ah romance. Every good video watcher is acutely aware of the down-on-love, romantic teenage flicks that played out with so many star-struck Romeos and Juliets in the idealistic 80’s. We cheered for our plucky, beautiful, yet misunderstood Andie Walshes, Diane Courts, and Wattes in the face of so much love adversity, whether what they lacked was money, an understanding father, or girl’s underwear, and rested easy at the end when they got their men. But should we have? For every one of these “ideal” movie boyfriends, sure signs of loser-dom each display. Here’s just a few reasons why you should’ve run for the hills ladies!

Ferris Bueller
(Matthew Broderick) –
He of the Day Off
Major Flaw: Too eager

Yes, he’s charming, cute, fun-loving, inventive and obviously coveted by every other girl in your school, but sheesh. The dude’s talking marriage and he hasn’t even graduated from high school. Sloane, you are way too hot to hitch your star to that wagon. Advice: go to college first and get your M.R.S. from a proper institution.

Blane McDonough (Andrew McCarthy) –
Pretty In Pink

Major Flaw: Conformist

Obviously he cares way too much about status, not too mention what his friends and parents think. He may be willing to make a grand display of devotion at prom, showing his independence when the cameras are rolling, but think about it. If he’s willing to trade-up so easily now when your body’s slammin’ and there is nary a wrinkle or sag, better think to the future. Or marry him fast before he learns the words “Pre-nup.”

Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz) –
Some Kind of Wonderful
Major Flaw: Superficial
Secondary Flaw: Clueless

You may think his ultra-nemesis Hardy Jenns is more worthy of distinction in this category, but we disagree whole-heartedly. Hardy is what he is. He makes no apology for being a complete dick-face, threatening social stigmata upon every girl who denies his advance, and is not afraid to buy adoration. Keith on the other hand, for all his hatred of Hardy, really is just doing the same thing: buy the prettiest girl in school using his college tuition to purchase a pair of diamond earrings. Not to mention the fact that he’s got a perfectly willing piece right in front of his face and is too stupid to notice.

Danny LaRusso (Ralph Macchio) – The Karate Kid
Major Flaw: Obsessed with violence

Poor little Ali here is just bouncing from one bully to the next up-and-coming. Danny seems like he just may be trying to stick up for himself, but all he really wants is to learn some serious moves that will totally fuck your shit up. This relationship is only going to end in court. And likely the hospital.

Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser) –
Just One of the Guys
Major Flaw: Gender confusion

Sure everyone doubts their sexuality at one time or another, but Terry takes it to the extreme. Transferring schools to assume new identity as a male, followed by whole lot of wardrobe malfunctions, not to mention falling in love with another boy…well. Girls, you’re signing up for a life time of closet sharing. He may be sympathetic to what women want, but this one is just not worth the trouble.

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) –
The Empire Strikes Back
Major Flaw: Egotistical, cold and unfeeling

Every girl’s greatest fear, finally getting up the nerve to utter that fateful “L” word, only to be answered with “I know.” Then afterwards he’s just so cold, emotionless, and unresponsive.

Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) –
Say Anything
Major Flaw: Too needy, border line stalker

The film that single-handedly allowed teenagers everywhere to believe in the old “opposites attract” adage, forever tying one’s high school love affair memories to moody, mixed tapes starring Peter Gabriel songs. A hint ladies: when you break up with a guy to pursue your education and he stalks around your house at all hours of the day blasting music to get your attention, this is NOT a good thing. Anyone who is worthy of such adoration at 18 should note they can likely do better than a kick-boxing instructor.

LT Pete "Maverick" Mitchell
(Tom Cruise) -
Top Gun
Major Flaw: Gay

B4 24 - The Passion of Kiefer Sutherland

2007-05-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

Kiefer Sutherland is a passionate man. Indeed, how could anyone who has ever sat through one episode of 24, with Kiefer alternating between his soft intense snarl, and his flat-out crazed roaring ever accuse him of passionlessness? We suspect the war on terror would have ended in early 2002, had the government actually employed such a solider. Imagine Kiefer, staggering over the rocky mountain passes of Afghanistan, sneaking up on Taliban fighters, MacGyver-ing some torture devise out of his personal, stand-by nipple clamps and some rogue lightning, while grabbing them by their scruffy necks and growling, “I need you to take me to Bin Laden, and I need you to do it NOW.”

But what of the early years? Has Kiefer always been so intense, or has his life as a Federal Counter-Terrorism Field Op hardened his demeanor, forcing him to put aside all of his own interests, for the good of all of us ungrateful, unpatriotic, and clueless Angelinos?

Let us take a look and rate: Lost Boys, Young Guns, Flatliners

The Lost Boys

Kiefer leads a pack of swellheaded vampires and is looking to expand the family. They may indeed appear to be a harmless bunch of pseudo rock star wannabes, guilty only of raiding a high school band uniform store for their wears, but it is leadership that keeps them in check.

Kiefer first targets the young Jason Patric as a food source, but quickly comes to realize he was in error by initially deciding to sacrifice such a strong addition. Was it Jason's willingness to participate in a motorcycle race? Or was it his eagerness to eat worms, maggots and drink blood? His inability to resist the monotonous chanting of “Join Us”? Whatever the case, Kiefer knows a good bet when he sees it. This of course sets Kiefer in opposition to young heart throbs, Coreys Haim and Feldman. He must have known what he was up against by antagonizing the impenetratible force-field that was “The Coreys.” But stick to his vampiric ideals he does, even to his death, as is forced-through “by stereo.”

Passion rating: 4 fangs.
Youthful passion and belief in one’s chosen life style more than adequately displayed, misguided as it may be.

Young Guns

Starring as cowboy and plagiarizing poet Josiah Gordon “Doc” Scurlock, Kiefer here is one of Billy the Kids’ gang from imagined beginnings. He steals the show by demonstrating his understated sensitivity whilst swimming in a sea of testosterone. Doc is quick on the draw in a fight, always there for a pal, and damn if he can’t sweep a Celestial woman off her feet with some lifted Shakespeare or Edgar Allen Poe. His flower bunch may be withered, but it is the thought that counts, and fresh flowers are particularly hard to come by in the wilds of eastern New Mexico, we can attest. He may not always agree with the gang mentality, but he’ll be there, stepping in where needed, most of the time.

Passion rating: 3 1/2 wilted flower petals.
Passion for the lady strongly represented, but not equally so for the boys. Dicks should at least be on equal footing with chicks.

Flatliners

Kiefer’s passion is contagious in Flatliners, as he infects four of his fellow med students with a lust to discover what lay beyond the grave. These five doctors in training decide to step on God’s toes and kill themselves, relying on their fellow egomaniacal students to bring them back to life, for the greater good of finding out what exactly happens. Passion? Oh yes. When the group discovers they have brought their haunted pasts into the present, Kiefer’s not too proud to get his ass kicked by some kid. Repeatedly. It’s all for the good of the plot after all, and far be it from Kiefer to ever stray from the object of his character’s intensity.

Passion rating: 5 heart blips.
Angry, narcissistic and with a God-complex to boot, followed by vulnerability and humble acceptance of the Universe? Kiefer, you had us at “Today is a good day to die.”

Conclusion: 24 ain’t got nothing new.

Apologies

2007-05-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

We apologize for the recent lack of posts. The Curator has come down with some old-timey illness of our own. More to come...

Lunger, Dear Readers

2007-04-12T13:06:00.000-07:00

According to the Curator’s statistics, there are an inordinate number of concerned folk out there on various search engines expressing their curiosity regarding “Why Doc Holliday is called ‘Lunger’ in Tombstone.”

Well, the Curator considers our self to be a veritable encyclopedia of all things video considered. Woe would be us to turn away a young knowledge seeker.

Dear Readers, popular online resources define the term, as spelled, “lunger” in two ways:

1. lunger [luhn-jer] - someone who moves forward suddenly (as in fencing);

2. lunger [luhng-er] - a person with pulmonary tuberculosis

As the seminal film Tombstone shows us, Doc can be pegged into both definitions. He does indeed move forward suddenly, as demonstrated in various fast draw scenes, usually preceded by uttering, moistly, “I’m your Huckleberry,” and with the quick swallow of varying combinations of liquor and hand rolled cigarette smoke.

Additionally, Doc Holliday had pulmonary tuberculosis, a particularly nasty infectious disease prevalent in such period films. But it is not a disease to be underestimated for its old-timey portrayal. Tuberculosis (TB), or “consumption” as it was commonly known, caused the most widespread concern in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Not until 1946 was a treatment and cure finally available, when an antibiotic known as streptomycin, was developed… But do not yet breathe a sigh a relief. Tuberculosis outbreaks occur to this day, killing millions of people every year, usually in developing countries.

So while “lunger” may seem an affectionate or harmless term, casually thrown out as a mild insult meant to insight Doc into petty fights with inferior bad guys, its actual meaning was far more complex, referring both to his spry agility with handguns, and, contrastingly, to the disease that would ultimately finish him off.

P.S. And for those of you constantly on the lookout for Dirty Dancing's Johnny Castle….

RIP Bob Clark

2007-04-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

The Curator’s shelves would be empty indeed without the likes of A Christmas Story and Porky’s, two films proudly featured within the Dollar Video Curator exhibitions.

We knew ye not well, and the loss is ours entirely. For how could we not have yet found a better friendship, what with your astounding repertoire of works, with titles such as:

Karate Dog
Maniac Magee
Baby Geniuses
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
& She-Man

Not to mention dollar video shelves staples such as:

Rhinestone
From the Hip
& Turk 182!

RIP Bob Clark. Hollywood is a much sadder place.

Man on the Run

2007-03-26T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like your job may be killing you? Perhaps not (always) literally, but creatively; slowly sucking your soul, youth, and passion out of your left ear, leaving behind a hollow shell of a completely defeated, albeit, completely dedicated, robot? If so, you probably wake every day around 6:30 am, get your sour suit on, go to work, clock in, tune out, clock out, and return home to pickle what’s left of your brain in varying liquors, until it is time to reset the alarm clock.

Well here are a couple of working-man heroes to break up your everyday boredom. In between poppin’ pills, pop these into the old VCR: The Firm, Paycheck

It's a Double White Collar Crime on the rocks with a smooth jazz chaser. Drink it down!

The Firm
The Curator has demonstrated in previous post that all of Tommy Cruise's projects contain the little-known "Stallion Clause." For those unfamiliar, "The Stallion Clause" is a footnote within any contract Cruise signs, that he is required to have at least one, but preferably more, scene in which he sprints, nostrils a-flarin', for the means of making an end that will be for the betterment of all in "the Film." Check it and see.

Based on the book that catapulted John Grisham’s 400 page door stoppers to the top of airport bookstore shelves everywhere, The Firm does not disappoint Cruise fans, whoever they may be, containing no less than three Stallions, one hot and heavy love scene and a couple of "goodie two shoes" lovey moments with the otherwise not so wholesome Jeanne Tripplehorn.

Everyman Mitch McDeere appears to have it made when he gets the job of his dreams, at last able to ditch his trailer park past, provide his “lovely” wife Abby with all she desires, and cementing his future in the upper echelons of the solidly reputable Memphis high society. Unfortunately the “Firm” has another role in mind for Mitch, that of “Mob Stooge.” Yes, for unexplainable reasons, the Chicago mob retains a small law firm in Memphis. And apparently the partners traverse the world in search of an army of replacements to ensure the cycle is perpetuated.

Well, Tom is not about to have any of that noise. Bucking the bosses, Tommy will race his way to freedom, through Memphis streets with briefcase in hand, finally putting Wilford Brimley out of our misery, getting all these White Collar Mo-Fos behind bars without ever compromising his professional integrity, and all the while helping to create the world’s most perfectly matched hick-i-fied couple, Holly Hunter and David Strathairn. Sigh.

Paycheck
Ben Affleck gets his jog on proper here, pitted against the outstanding Aaron Eckhart and joined by ever-mild Uma Thurman.

Though your disbelief is initially stretched to the point of serious snap by first having to accept Ben Affleck as some kind of computer programming genius, comfort level is restored once realization sets in that you will not be required to watch him suffer and sweat through too many electronic related explanations.

Michael Jennings is a computer hacker extraordinaire, highly in demand to rip off patented computer technology because of his willingness to have any memory of his work therein erased. (Insert “Ben Affleck” and “Dumber than a Bag of Hammers” joke here) But he really gets screwed when he takes a job with Aaron Eckhart, his supposed friend, who uses him to build an Uber-Magic 8 Ball future time viewing machine of sorts, and then tries to “erase him” along with his memory of the project.

Ben wakes up from his erased past and finds he has traded in his 90 million dollar paycheck for an envelope full of mysterious and crappy items. Why ever would he DO such a think you ask? Well, because there’s a mystery to solve for one! And said crappy items provide a treasure map of sorts with which Ben may play, while racing on foot, motorcycle, bus and train, through the streets of Seattle in hot pursuit of the past/future/present. Will he stop the baddies? Get the girl? Ever reclaim his lost paycheck? All signs point to “Formulaic Hollywood Ending.”

Conclusion:

Take heart that your boss isn’t trying to kill you. At least, as far as you know.

Guy Fawkes Discovers Queen Schoonmacher’s Flaw: Continuity Departed

2007-03-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

(Special to the Dollar Video Curator! Guy Fawkes returns with more editing mayhem….)

I thought I would turn my anal retentiveness to this year’s winner for editing, “The Departed.” I suppose that a film editor has a lot to do other than watching to make sure the film is correctly edited, but you would think some of these screw-ups would have been noticed by SOMEBODY in the studio.

We can’t get four minutes in to film before we see Costello (Jack Nicholson) stuff a comic book down into young Colin’s grocery bag and then see the comic book sticking up way out of the bag. (3:05 to 3:31).

As Colin Sullivan graduates from the police academy, his necktie is held in place by a tie clip that is merely a bar. In just nine seconds the tie clip now has a shield on it which we can assume resembles a state trooper’s badge. (7:11 to 7:20).

Lessons in penmanship. We see Billy at the cemetery looking at the floral arrangement sent by Costello. At 17:15, the “F” on the card sent with the arrangement has a loop on its right side but at 17:26 the loop has magically moved to the left side of the “F”. Do you suppose that the property master lost the first card? Wouldn’t you like to know who wrote the first card and who wrote the second one? How much time got wasted in trying to find the first card and in arguing about whose fault it was? It’s questions like these that keep me from making any real progress in life.

Speaking of magic, we have the following:

-No coffee cup on the book next to Queenen’s phone (17:37) but one appears out of nowhere (17:42).

-A shot glass appears, disappears, reappears, etc. (1:18:38, 1:18:18. 1:18:40, etc.)

-At the driving range a guy walking behind Colin simply disappears (1:23:10 and 1:23:11).

-Left rear window of van shot out and then shot out again (1:48:24 and 1:48:26).

-Colin sets out Queenen’s stuff including Queenen’s badge which has blood on it but two seconds later the badge has vanished. (1:55:56 and 1:55:57)

More you say? You want more?

-The sergeant has the report rolled in a way we can’t see the pages but later we can (24:19 – 24:51).

-Ellerby’s (Baldwin) flag pin is straight, then rotated 90 degrees counterclockwise then the pin appears straight again (24:45; 24:55, 25:45)

-Billy’s medallion is inside his shirt, then outside the shirt, then inside again (45:53, 45:54, 45:58)

-Watch carefully as the paperclip holder and Post-It notes dance around the desk (51:19, 54:48, 57:28, 57:33)

-The case with the microprocessors is laid down several inches from the satchel with the money (1:06:38) but then the case is touching the satchel (1:06:39) and then separated again (1:06:44).

-The items on the kitchen counter are all shifted around and a large bag appears from nowhere (1:10:20, 1:10:53).

-Faster than a speeding bullet: Colin leaves his seat in the seventh row at the theater and is out the door traveling at least 50 feet in less than a second (1:27:18 and 1:27:19).

-Speaking of leaving the theater, when Colin exits no envelope can be seen and his hands are in his pockets but another scene shows the envelope in his hand and then later his hands are in his pockets again. (1:27:32, 1:27:51, 1:28:30).

And finally, you think you’ve got problems with your phone?

-Colin smears blood across the “talk” button on Queenen’s phone (1:54:20) but three seconds later we see the blood smeared across the #1 button with no blood on the “talk” button.

-Billy notices the phone ringing and the silver phone is right next to the red phone but two seconds later the phones are separated by several inches (1:54:34, 1:54:36).

-Billy throws the phone down and it bounces away but a second later it is only a few inches from him (1:55:16, 1:55:17)

How much do these editors get paid? Is there an Oscar for finding the most editing mistakes? Is there a good job for an anarchist out there, anywhere?

Proper Fucked in the World of Manners, Corsets, Dueling and Fainting Couches

2007-03-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

The polite society of nobility may seem an endless parade of teas, whispers, nods and dueling; boring, predictable. But in the glamorous world of the rich, cinched and nasty, they fuck others over as well as the rest of us more poorly dressed saps. Whereas the least fortunate of us end up perhaps in county lock-up, a pauper’s grave, or serving on jury duty, the wrong steps of an upper-class naughty-kin, could end perhaps in public shame at the Opera, or as the butt of everyone’s social “No-No” joke. The horror! But hey, punishment is all relative.

Watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Opulent implode for your entertainment in:
The Age of Innocence, Barry Lyndon, Dangerous Liaisons

The Age of Innocence

Our hero Newland Archer is fucked from the second he lays eyes on the Countess Olenska, his betrothed’s slutty older cousin, who is world-weary and lookin’ for some action. The two become close when Newland advises her on her bad marriage, encouraging her to not get divorced, because all she would gain is “her freedom.” Meanwhile, Newland’s marriage to sweet little cousin May, all sugar and propriety on the outside and absolute demon on the inside, is imminent, and the next thing you know, the pair is off touring Europe on honeymoon while Newland’s bitter realization sets in.

Upon their return, and unable to take the longing anymore, the Countess announces her decision to quit New York for Europe. May weaves a tangled and sticky web of societal propriety indeed, hosting the ultimate “Fuck-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Life” going away party, intended to keep Newland and the Countess apart forever.

In this world of fine manners, a handshake might as well be a hand job, and a shared glance? Well, that is akin to a knock-down, dirty, screw in an alley behind a dumpster. Newland and the Countess are kept apart, unable to relay their undying love, and the Countess is shipped off the next day. But by the end of the party, Newland has decided to leave May and follow the Countess to Europe, but May has one final card to play, the classic, “Whoops, I’m pregnant!” Duty, honor, society and resolve to live a love-less life of boredom win out, and Newland, proper fucked indeed, accepts his fate.

Barry Lyndon

Redmond Barry (Lyndon) is an ambitious son-of-a-bitch. Born a poor Irish lad, he is determined to become a British Noble. How to do that you ask? Barry properly fucks over everyone who comes across his life from the very beginning, starting with his cousin, whose marriage he attempts to destroy out of jealousy. He then changes allegiance during the 7 year war, joins up with androgynous weirdo Chevalier de Balibari to royally screw royalty out of money at cheated card games, later continuing on to screw over his new wife the Countess Lyndon and her son by driving them into poverty and misery whilst screwing his way through a jungle of ladies-of-the-night, and culminating in the killing his own kid when a horse he bought him bucks him off.

Along the way, Barry ruins the lives of many others that cross his path; the gay army general that he outs, the Prussians who employ him as a spy, anyone who doesn’t pay up their gambling debt, and his wife’s long-time religious confidant who he allows his mother to fire after some 20-odd years. Not to mention that he, awesomely, is not too proud to engage in an all-out, roll around on the ground in front of the company fist-fight with his stepson. Hey, whatever means satisfy the ends.

But it is Lyndon who is properly fucked in the end. When he duels with Lord Burlingdon, his stepson who is now all grown up and has a serious bone to pick with dear ol’ stepdad, he gets shot in the leg. The life of Barry Lyndon ends with his leg’s amputation, and his expulsion from his wife’s home, broke and broken. He is sent home to live with mommy. Ouch.

Dangerous Liaisons

The reserved hush-toned society of 18^th Century French Nobility is a world of parlors, teas, polite conversations and gentlemanly hand kisses. Or so you would expect, but up the curving, ornate staircase and behind those opulent, mirrored doorways, lay a world of some serious proper fucking, in the most literal sense of the word. The cruelty of the rich and bored is a force to be reckoned with in any era, but Glenn Close and John Malkovich put our own Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and K-Fed to shame.

The name of the game is who fucked who, how, when, where, and how often. Our Malko is the toy of Glenn Close, a lady of some serious non-scruples, who sends him off to corrupt the girl promised to a former lover. Malko has no problems with this at all, instructing her in the ways of the love game, eventually knocking her up, and turning her into a whore of most glorious proportions. Meanwhile, Glenny is out seducing a fine young lad, and Malko turns his eyes to the ever hard-to-get Michelle Pfeiffer. Upon ruination of all parties, and when Malko gets mad a Glenny for not given up the golden ‘poon, the two next set out to destroy each other. A duel, a stab, a confession and a few revealing letters later, Malko is dead and Glenny shunned by society. Props to the properly fucked, all around.

Conclusion:

You are your own worst enemy.

Bad Ass Girls Like Bad Ass Toys

2007-03-15T12:34:00.000-07:00

As the Amazon woman cutting off one breast to better aim her bow and arrow, so tough are the women on this girl power rock block. Their similarities beg a double feature: each of these fine ladies are the only one capable in their respective flick of stopping evil corporations from procuring or manufacturing weapons destined to wipe out the human race in the name of “security” despite their heavily armed marine type escorts, each has an equally bad ass Hispanic Lady side-kick of sorts who bites it in a rough-ass way near the end, and they both also have some pretty sweet weaponry and skills at disposal.

Aliens & Resident Evil

The Bitch Is Back - Aliens

In Aliens, Ripley is back from deep sleep in deep space, fresh memories of the Alien alive and well, and ready to battle with creature, marine and Paul Reiser alike, while savin’ babies from the clutches of evil Alien monsters.

Ripley gets talked into returning to the scary-ass planet where she first encountered the Alien, only it’s 56 years later and the planet has been colonized. Ripley, the only naysayer in a crowd of some 15 odd, battle-hardened marines, proves to, or course, be right about their survival chances. The Alien from the first flick was indestructible, and now there’s hundreds of them, crap! When pretty much all marines and cohorts are destroyed, Ripley is still able to sling a weapon of awesome size, and whilst haulin’ a kid around on one hip, remove the surviving few from the planet just before it is nuked into oblivion. And then, just when you think it is safe to go back to the mother-ship, the Mother of all Aliens shows.

Good thing Ripley, among all her other awesome skills has a Class 5 fork lifter operator license. Donning the “Power Loader,” and upping her bad-ass-ness to the nth degree, she is a match made in hell for the infamous bitch.

Go Ask Alice - Resident Evil

Alice is head of security for Umbrella Corporation, and evil enterprise manufacturing a terrible virus. She wakes up one morning with a bad memory hang over, and with only a fleeting sexy memory of the night before, promptly gets trained off to The Hive, a top secret underground research facility escorted by some kind of Special Task Force.

Fortunately she has time to put on her skimpy red nightie and black biker boots beforehand so she is appropriately dressed for the adventure and ensuing battle. Along the way we are introduced to a few special ops who are quickly disposed of, in gruesome manner, by the security system of The Hive, a sacrifice that must be made to hammer home the deadliness of this joint for the most inane of viewers. But said security system is soon after dismantled, unleashing the true horror – ZOMBIES!

Yes, every employee of The Hive has been killed and reanimated, becoming an army of the dead against Alice and the few other survivors. Alice obtains some weapons of serious weight and girth, and they are forced to crawl through tunnels and dank rooms, battling zombies all along the way. Eventually everyone succumbs into a state of zombie-dom, except of course our Alice. She eventually regains her memory, and even the realization that her pseudo-trophy husband released the virus isn’t enough to stop her. She is set to destroy the evil Umbrella Corp., and will do so even as a Zombie Girl, in a Zombie world.

Conclusion:

These ladies both live to fight another day. They may be broken and beaten down, but never fail to rise up in a dirtily-sexily way, protecting us all from evil companies, corporations, Aliens, Zombies, and corrupt power-hungry that love them. Sequels? Oh yes, but that too, is for another day.

Rated B for Baaaaad Aaassss

You are not forgotten...

2007-03-06T11:33:00.000-08:00

The Curator has been preoccupied with a media other than video. The Curator hates it when that happens. Stay tuned....

A Brief Aside….

2007-02-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

The Curator, ever attempting to cater to our multitudes of film hungry fans, has been collecting a list of keywords that have led various readers, starved for our knowledge of crappy films, to our website.

A list of what you have recently been looking for information and knowledge on, that is located on our site:

1. Just put your pickle on everyone's plate college boy

2. Why do they call doc holiday “lunger” in Tombstone

3. Cop busts guy with lawn mowers video

4. Brad Pitt’s Torso

5. Strange death

6. Dollar heart video

7. Fatalities on film

8. Video movie "2 guys" shake the head & "wake up"

9. "Jude Law" + "the most handsome man in the universe"

10. "Special places" + "sexual games"

Awesomely:

11. Redneck threesome

And our own personal favorite:

12. Private pee video

Thank you for your patronage. Now that we are aware of what our readers are sincerely interested in, we will try to respond accordingly in our subsequent postings.

The Massively Underused Allison Janney

2007-02-21T11:49:00.000-08:00

Are you aware that Allison Janney rules the skool? Possibly not, cause she’s seldom seen. She’s in a couple of upcomings, but has been spending an awful lot of time on TV lately, (Whatever, West Wing) rarely gracing the Curator’s shelves with her co-starring phenomenon, a gushing, bubbly waterfall of reddish hair and sharp knifed laughter. Her parts may be sparse but she packs a punch.

We will look at: 10 Things I Hate About You, The Ice Storm, American Beauty

10 Things I Hate About You

Our Ms. Janney clocks a total of 4 minutes in this teeny-flick as guidance councilor “Ms. Perky,” but manages to do more in those couple minutes than the rest of the cast does in 97. Combined. Her accomplishments include writing a romance novel on the company dime whilst brushing the kiddies and their nonsense problems aside, and putting dopey little shits Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in their places faster than you can say “I hope I get to play a gay cowboy someday to add some weight to my miserably fluffy resume.” Go Allison, Go!

The Ice Storm

Allison co-stars awesomely as Dot Halford, otherwise known as “the lady who has the key party.” Her part may be small, but she plays an ever important role: that of the woman who has the party. The party that forces everyone to confront their morality, sexuality, comfort zones, the ever valuable tool of peer pressure, and the limitations of screwing in an early-70’s model family sedan.

American Beauty

Here Janney darkens up the screen as Barbara Fitts, mother to our diamond-in-the-rough, filmmaker-in-training, non-traditional beauty loving Ricky Fitts, and wife to “shocking” homophobe/homosexual Col. Frank Fitts. She starkly sits in a room devoid of dust and soul, as if pushed to the corner of casting room of life, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Summary:

Short concise post, short concise woman. You are never invisible in our eye. Rock on Ms. Janney.

Edit This - Academy Award Winning Editorial Blunders of the 1930's

2007-02-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

(Special to the Dollar Video Curator! - Back by popular demand, the scrutinizing, anally retentive stylings of the Master of Editing Errors, Guy Fawkes)

With the Academy Awards fast approaching, your omniscient curator thought it would be enlightening to look at some of the films whose editors got the award. This award started in 1934 but not all the movies are available for scrutiny.

This round of films: Lost Horizon (1937 – Ralph Dawson), The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938 – Ralph Dawson, again) and Gone with the Wind (1939 – Hal Kern).

Lost Horizon

Lost Horizon is where we get “Shangri-La”, the mythical utopia which is all summed up at the beginning of the movie. Here, we are told that all most of us are looking for in life is to retire to that “little chicken farm”. You can tell where this is going before we even meet our hero – Robert Conway.

We start with wardrobe problems when Thomas Mitchell (who you remember as Uncle Billy, the drunken goof who enriches Henry Potter by eight G’s in It’s a Wonderful Life) has his handkerchief move around in his pocket. Next, it disappears and reappears. (7:08 – 14:21 – 14:52).

Then there’s the airplane. The film uses a Douglas DC-2 that had seven windows on each side in the passenger compartment. This is an airplane that we all want to come back. It carried 14 people, seven on each side – each with a window/aisle seat and tables and lamps. But, this airplane crashes in the movie, and after the crash when our hero is wandering around outside in the snow, we can clearly see there are now eight windows in the passenger compartment. Then, as the scene switches back to the interior of the plane, there are only five windows which return to seven when the scene goes back to the exterior (6:35 to 6:45).

Then there’s the tableware. Ralph Dawson seems to have difficulty with food and dishes. We find mistakes regarding tableware in this film and in Robin Hood. We have a scene at the dinner table where Conway has dishes in front of him. These dishes disappear at 40:06, reappear at 40:40 and vanish at 40:19. The dish problem rears its head again when Uncle Billy is at the table – his wine cup is there at 1:00:34, gone at 1:00:56, back at 1:01:15, gone at 1:01:39 and this continues for a while until the scene changes.

The High Lama needs a crutch since he amputated his own leg years ago when he first arrived at Shangri-La. This was before the natives told him that his leg would heal itself in this magical place. LESSON: Always consult the natives before cutting off any body parts. The High Lama has no crutch at 1:06:57 but one appears seven seconds later.

Finally, there’s the chess game where we can see three pawns that have been captured standing on the side of the chessboard. When we first see them, they are separated (1:35:50), then they are together (1:36:35) but separated again (1:37:52).

The Adventures of Robin Hood

Let me get Dawson’s tableware/food problems out of the way first. We see a table with no pitcher (1:53), then a pitcher (1:55) then no pitcher (2:01). We have difficulty with gold wine cups at 42:36 when we see the cups next to a green pitcher, then they are gone at 42:27 only to return at 43:14. This is the same scene where people suddenly appear behind Robin – I thought they might be responsible for the gold disappearing but then I remembered this is Robin Hood who stole from the rich to give to the poor so presumably the folks who hung around him wouldn’t need to be stealing. At 42:04 Robin is munching on a HUGE leg of mutton which is completely devoured in seven seconds. I recently saw a hot dog eating contest on cable and not even those guys could polish off this leg of mutton in seven seconds.

Other miscues:

Little John completely misses Robin’s foot with his staff but Robin reacts anyway (22:34);

Robin leaps from the gallows to a horse with his hands tied behind his back but his hands are free only to tied again (1:07:15, 1:07:15, 1:07:16);

As Robin is escaping there is no sword on the right side of his horse but a sword and scabbard appear out of nowhere so he can cut the rope to drop the gate (1:08:06 and 1:08:15).

The best error of the film starts at 14:27 and goes through 17:12 when Robin fires off at least ten arrows when he had only five in his quiver to begin with. Then, at 19:06 his quiver is full. This reminded me of George Bush’s approach to the federal deficit.

Gone With The Wind

This movie comes on two disks with an intermission (labeled “Entr’ Acte” to show that the producers knew how cosmopolitan the audience would be). So, this is broken down to disk 1 and disk 2 to show how un-cosmopolitan Guy Fawkes is.

Disk 1.

Magic Dogs. Dogs suddenly appear behind Scarlet on the porch (7:53-7:54).

Magic Globe. Initially the world globe has the West Coast of the US showing (30:43) but has Asia and India facing outward at 31:37.

Magic Cigar. Just where did Rhett put that thing? (46:40)

Magic Shadowbox. The shadows do not correspond to the movement of the actors (59:15).

Magic Chair. The chair moves slightly to the left (1:11:41 and 1:12:44). But, wait’ll you see the magic chair on disk 2!

Disk 2.

Magic Hat 1. Watch the tie to Sue Ellen’s red hat disengage from the hat and go around her neck.

Magic Hat 2. Scarlet loses her hat in the struggle in her buggy but it gets back on her head at 43:30 to be lost again at 43:35 only to return to her head at 43:53.

Magic Former Slave. After saving Scarlet, Sam drives her buggy away (with Scarlet in it) but Sam disappears four seconds later.

Magic David Copperfield (all the pun intended that I can get away with). We have a scene where the women are knitting and there is no book on the table (44:40). It appears at 44:44 and is gone at 47:39. We eventually learn that the book is David Copperfield.

Magic Chair reprise. There is a chair by the front door when Rhett arrives (46:00) and it is still there when he leaves at 46:33. When the Yankees come in at 47:28, the chair has disappeared.

Well, your favorite anarchist is worn out but I will return (by leave of your curator) with films of the ‘40’s including Sergeant York, The Pride of the Yankees and National Velvet.

Special Places

2007-02-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows that Keanu Reeves was robbed of an Oscar nomination for his performance in the film, “The Devil’s Advocate.” It should have been sealed by his delivery of a single question which he asks of Heather Matarazzo in a completely un-cliché court room scene, “Have you ever played a game called “Special Places?”

Reach into your memory. Everyone’s got that Special Place, be it a place where you and your friends can always go, where everybody knows your name, where the promise of a high school boy getting laid is high, or a surreal or magical world of beasts, death and the greatest World’s Fair ever is nigh.

Let us play a game called Special Places. We will explore but a few, as depicted from a selection of the Curator’s permanent collection.

Porky’s – The holy grail of Special Places, where a fat-ass redneck holds the key to unlocking your loathsome virginity. The journey to, from, and back to Porky’s is a laugh riot of raunchy sexual escapades. If you grew up in the ‘50s. Porky’s may get destroyed in the end, but it will always hold a special, hick-ified place our hearts, what with the apropos naming of students based on their junk size (“Meat” and “Peewee”), Kim Cattrell’s totally unfunny, long-lasting collie-howling orgasm, and of course Ms. Ballbricker yanking the unsuspecting penis out by it’s roots, through the infamous shower hole.

Pleasantville – a lovely little special place, where you can live in a dream world of non -confrontation, non-conformity and non-sexual climax. Until Reese Witherspoon has her way with you anyway, blasting you out of black and white celluloid into full blown Technicolor. Is your perceived reality a false one? Are you closing your eyes to the glory of the world, for all its good AND bad qualities, around you? Are the subtle color references first introduced through the discovery of a single rose a meaningful, eye-opening, life-changing experience, or are these as vapid and meaningless as a sixteen-year-old photography student discovering the “art” of the hand-colored photograph? The Curator leaves it to you to decide, as you tinker with the limits of your own “special places.”

Meet Me in St. Louis – The comfort food of the Special Places film world, “Meet Me…” offers up a retreat to a simpler time, when one’s deepest, darkest fear could simply be the ripping of oneself from the awesomeness that is St. Louis and being supplanted into the terrible world of a booming New York City. How dare Daddy try to move us right when the World Fair is threatening to make St. Louis “the center of the entire Universe!” And we can’t move Grandpa or the Chickens. Jesus Christ, Pop! Moreover, the singular lesson the film is that one should not leave their hometown, the specialist of all places, because the grass may be greener, but it certainly couldn’t be Special-er.

Threesome – Due to a University computer system mishap, the dorm room of “3S” is a paradise of sexual exploration waiting to happen. Never mind that the un-sexy adventurers are the skeletal Lara Flynn Boyle, evangelical convert Stephen Baldwin, and absolute nobody Josh Charles. Alex loves Eddy, Eddy loves Stewart, Stewart loves Alex. What to do, what to do. The only obvious answer is of course, Threesome!! 3S temporarily offers asylum to our trio, but as always, the Outside World (a decidedly “Un-special” Place) creeps in, in the forms of jealousy, uncomfortable social interaction and the gratuitous pregnancy scare. Well shit, dudes. It was fun while it lasted.

Jurassic Park – Somewhere off the coast of Costa Rica lay a very secret and Special Place. Lush, green, subject to sudden and unexpected tropical storms, it is far enough away from the prying eyes of the world to become a rich man’s playground in DNA experimentation while he plays God. Only the truly evil, well, the truly conflicted, characters bite it here on the island, while the righteous are besotted with notions of man versus nature, natural selection, various expounded upon scientific theories involving, but not limited to, greed and fear. Phew. If that ain’t special, what is?

St. Elmo’s Fire – For those of you who may have blocked this little gem from your saturated minds, St. Elmo’s is the Special Place of note that our young Brat Pack attend throughout the film. We meet them on the day of their college graduation, where they emerge at age 22, and with great careers in place. They are awfully willing to become grown-ups, as demonstrated by the fact that by the end of the film, at said age of 22, they are all so immersed in adulthood responsibilities, they simultaneously forever give-up attendance and binge drinking at St. Elmo’s. This must be the result of living in a time when a college education actually afforded one a career, rather than a one way ticket back to one’s parents’ basement, to live out a life of staggering credit card and financial debt repayment. Or maybe St. Elmo’s wasn’t so Special after all.

The Abyss – despite what you might think from your memory, if any, of this movie, the Abyss is indeed a very Special Place. It is not too scary, too deep, too cold or too dramatic. Those who have ventured into the Abyss and not lived to tell the tale just did not understand the Abyss. One has to be a truly Special person, to enter into, understand, and learn from, the truly Special Place that is the Abyss. Someone just like you.

Conclusion:

Philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein once said, "The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." Clearly. But forget not, take not for granted, and give not up, your Special Place. If a place is security and space is freedom, we can only be attached to the one, but long for the other. That is, if longing represents itself in the form of loathing.

Tom Cruise and the Need for Speed: A Photo Essay

2007-01-19T14:10:00.001-08:00

Tom Cruise is no co-star. Well, technically, Tom Cruise is no actor. More of a carbon-based, overly opinionated, animated object which perpetuates the ability to grunt and sweat on cue. Rest assured, The Curator is not even about to start singing the praises of Tom “My entire faith structure is based on the ghosts of aliens that have been melted in volcanoes, and how to go about getting them to not latch on to my psyche” Cruise.

Nay, but there is one enjoyable aspect about the career of Tom. It is a little-known clause that appears somewhere near-ish the middle of every one of his contracts. Somewhere below section 22, which requires Scientology conversion tents on every film set he participates in, and just above section 24, "Craft Services Demands," where he professes his love of Mayonnaise, the most American of all condiments, lays paragraph 23(b)(iii), otherwise known as “The Stallion Clause.”

If you haven’t yet noticed this particular aspect of every film featuring Mr. Cruise, you clearly do not have enough time on your hands. Be that as it may, you will be hard pressed to find a film featuring our Tommy that does not feature at least one scene with Cruise racing down the street/sidewalk/staircase, nostrils a-flarin’, in hot pursuit of bad guys/wife/aliens, and away from his own delusional nature.

Case in point:

Minority Report

War of the WorldsThe Firm

Collateral

Vanilla Sky

Mission: Impossible III

Last Samurai

The Stallion may also manifest itself in an acceptable speed substitute, preferably a large piece of machinery or beast that will read as a stand-in for Cruise himself:

With such consistency in the evidence laid out before us, we can only conclude that Tom is literally "running from something," both professionally and personally. Art imitates life, no? Not that we would ever speculate about such a thing.

Your Key to Easy Physical Transformation

2007-01-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

Hey, how you doin’ on those New Year's Resolutions? Kickin’ ass? Already flaked out? Well, the Curator is proud to announce that we are already well on the way to exceeding our personal resolution of buying and watching more dollar video tapes. Of course, everyone can't be as determined. Might we suggest an easy, quickie fix? Something that can be done in as little as an hour, and shouldn’t take more than an afternoon? However can I improve myself, my reputation, and my love life so quickly, you ask? Why a make-over, of course. But I wouldn’t even know where to start, you say? Well, help and inspiration are all around you:

Grease, Can't Buy Me Love, Jawbreaker

Those who lack self-loathing need not apply.

Grease – The classic High School Make-Over Movie from which all others sprang.

Leader of the Pack Danny Zuko and sweet Girl from Down-Under Sandy Ollson have nothing in common. Nothing other than all those crazy, lusty, summer nights. But every Summer has a Fall, where they are thrust into the cruel world of High School Clique Expectations. Their undying love flounders. Can they somehow overcome? Well duh, as long as someone completely changes their personality to more appropriately match the other. And their wardrobe. Might we suggest black?

Director Randal Kleiser attempts to show, in that final, fateful scene, that both parties end up changing for each other, by showing Danny has "lettered" in track. But that’s a pile. What all good-girls learned from this film is that the only way to get that bad-boy to notice you is to paint on some shiny black pants and take up smoking. Danny doesn't run off with flouncey, boppy, cheerleader Patty Simcox now does he? Hell. No.

Can't Buy Me Love - A rare male make-over movie, and not to be missed. What happens when you mix bad 80’s fashion, a glass of wine, a pathetic dork and a Tucson house party? A recipe for hi-larity!

Poor Patrick Dempsey is quite a loser, working in the hot Arizona sun, saving money to buy a telescope, and lusting after popular girl-next-door, Cindy Mancini. Having the realization that he can only gain the attention and affection of said girl by bribing her into being his girlfriend, he decides to invest in his reputation, rather than his mind. And guess what? It works!!

Of course, all that popularity power eventually goes to his head, as first he gains, and then quickly loses, it all. Patrick and Cindy both learn a valuable lesson in the end though, as together they slowly, and literally, sludge off into the sunset on a riding lawn mower: It's good to be the King.

Jawbreaker - Say you can’t find a friend to make you over, or are short on hush money. How to get yourself some leverage with the popular kids? Well, have you considered blackmail?

Little Fern Mayo is the geekiest girl in town. She is also obsessed with beautiful popular chick Liz, and is always trying to figure out ways to be her friend. She positions herself to view some no-no’s by heading over to Liz’s to stalk her, and witnesses Liz’s murder by her best friends instead. Rather than tell the cops however, Fern sees an opportunity. In return for her silence, she gets the hot girls to transform her dorky self into a stylish and beautiful exchange student named Vylette. Now she’s hot, and she’s got it all. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Conclusion:

The overwhelming lesson of the make-over movie is that you must physically change for the object of your affection to pay any sort of attention to you. This is of course true, but there is another very important lesson to be learned: the resources for said make-over are available all around you! This shouldn’t be something you have to attempt on your own. As long as you have some slutty friends, a few expendable bills, or the will to partake in a bit of good old-fashioned blackmail, the possibilities are endless! So get yourself a make-over today. Mental betterment? Please. Who are you trying to kid? Only yourself sucker, only yourself.

Special Guest Curator! - Highly Unlikely asks, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

2007-01-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

(Note from the Curator – The Curator’s movie shelves have become so overwrought with video tapes that our screening area has become compromised. Our physical location is being moved this week, and the Curator is otherwise occupied, carefully, individually, wrapping each of our valued cassette tapes tenderly in bubble wrap. Enjoy this post from our very special guest curator, Highly Unlikely. Next week, New Year’s Resolutions!)

Gilda: WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Do you have a movie that you saw years ago that still holds a place in your heart and is near the top of your list as "Favorite Movies?" Mine is Gilda. When I joined Netflix it was one of the first movies I rented. Could hardly wait to see it again. I should have kept it as a memory.

We first see Glenn Ford, known in the movie as Johnnie, (what else), on his knees in a crap game south of the border. He wins a wad and is dumb enough to walk down the street counting his loot. Naturally he is soon surrounded by thugs ready to relieve him of his winnings. He beats them off without even losing his hat in the scuffle, when out the the blue a dude who obviously doesn't belong in the neighborhood walks up to Johnnie and invites him to his Casino.

Next time we see Johnnie he is in this posh poker palace looking slightly less scruffy than he did on the street. Still on a winning streak, Johnnie makes enough money to make the dealer nervous and he is sent to the principal’s office to account for himself. Seems the principal/casino owner is the same guy who asked Johnnie to come to the Casino in the first place. (Big surprise!) After a work over by the body guards, Johnnie gets his own back by knocking out the chief body guard who subsequently becomes his best friend and the Casino owner not only hires Johnnie, he puts him in charge of the place.

Now Johnnie is dressed to the nines and walking around as if he owns the place. After all, he's the manager, and the boss trusts him so much he has taken off on a vacation. Back from his mysterious trip the Boss has a big surprise for Johnnie. He has a brand new wife who is Johnnies' brand new ex. The tension builds to minus zero.

Now the true character of the Boss is revealed. As if we didn't already know. One look at this guy and you know he's either a smuggler or a Nazi. Anyway to make a short story long, the Boss gets his just desserts and Johnnie and Gilda have a clear field to do whatever they do.

This movie had everything: handsome leading man, gorgeous leading lady, jealous husband, sexual tension up the Kazoo, atmosphere (mostly fog) and was about as dramatic as "Leave it to Beaver."

But that's just me.

Realty school teaches location, location, location. If film makers want their films to wear well they should remember, writers, writers, writers,

See ya,

Highly Unlikely

James Rebhorn Again

2007-01-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

James Who-horn you ask?

The Curator has so many movies with this guy in it, it’s rather ridiculous. Let's put it this way: what HASN'T he done, who HASN'T he co-starred opposite? 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon our ass.

Most importantly, we have yet to actually see him in a starring role, and he therefore qualifies to appear in the Curator’s Co-star Hall of Fame. And what a Hall-of-Famer he is! Tall and gangly, with a sparkly tinge of mean in the eye, James shines most strong at playing domineering fathers, clever villains, stuffy lawyers and sneaky politicians with an agenda of their own. His receding hair line and hook nose make him the perfect receptacle to dump all your dislike into, thus saving your good graces for the starring celebs. Once again, a taken-for-granted talent bubbles to the top of the Curator’s melting-pot shelves of video. Let us discuss the many roles of The Talented Mr. Rebhorn.

Check him out: The Game, The Talented Mr. Ripley, & Independence Day

Viewing Order Importance: “W”

The Game

“Admit to yourself it sounds intriguing.”

James cuts a fabulously tricky figure in The Game, starring as a company rep for Consumer Recreation Services. Here James has the important role of explaining to the most moronic of viewer the very plot of the movie, with a smile, wink and nudge. When Michael Douglas repeats back the question, “I feel guilty when I masturbate,” our James replies, “Hey I don’t write the questions. I just analyze the answers,” so nonchalantly you wouldn’t even mind him analyzing your own masturbations. When the tables are turned, his true character is revealed, the simpering “it’s not my fault” guy, who leads Michael back to the scene of the crime, as it were. He is enjoyable to the very end, with his finale being the embodiment of “that wacky party guy,” hamming it up and dancing the night away at the wrap party, pointy hat and all.

The Talented Mr. Ripley

“There’s female intuition, and then there’s fact.”

Our James here is a rich, self important man who abhors his son Jude Law’s lifestyle. Where son likes Italy, jazz, boating and a life of sexual promiscuity ease, dad feels that may be somewhat irresponsible. Hence, he enlists the help of Matt Damon, a young man who is everything his own son ain’t. Dad has no problem funding THIS kid’s lifestyle however, providing him the means to track down and live it up with son, till things go bad with son anyway. The not nearly as talented Matt pulls the wool over practically everybody’s eyes, less the lovely Gwennth Paltrow. Our James though, ever the man’s man, puts Gwenny and her “intuition” in their place, lets Matt off the hook, and neatly wraps up his role by continuing to fund the partying lifestyle of Mr. Ripley.

Independence Day

“That’s not exactly true.”

In the film titled after the most sacred day of the American year, Rebhorn plays the Secretary of Defense opposite Bill Pullman as President. The Curator doesn’t know how the rest of you feel about Bill Pullman as Prez btw, but we venture to say Pullman is about as presidential as Dennis Kucinich. However, we digress.

The aliens are set to completely destroy all earthlings here, unless humans can somehow band together for one big hurrah. Rebhorn plays Albert Nimziki, a former CIA officer and the current Secretary of Defense. James really takes it for the team here, having been cast as the least like-able character outside of the aliens, including Randy Quaid, the drunk, redneck, dumb-ass crop duster. But that’s what our James is for, really. His suggestions are not taken to heart, he is fired near the end of the movie, and concludes his screen time by saying “I’m not Jewish.” Too which he is responded with, “Nobody’s perfect.”

Love him or leave him, but respect the Rebhorn, he’s pretty dang good at it what he does.

Rated: Double R for Rebhorn Rulez!

Christmas Evil

2006-12-24T17:09:00.000-08:00

Light up the tree, sip some nog and strap on your weapon of choice. It’s Christmas in Hollywood, California. The Yule tide is gay, Ol' Anx-i-ety, is high…but what to watch?

The curator has dug deep into the shadowy recesses of the holiday genre shelf and put together for you dear reader, a double feature sure to fill you to the brim with happy, happy holiday cheer. Not only that…it’s all a part of what Christmas is like in Los Angeles, and here’s why you should believe everything you see in the movies. Everyone should believe in something, especially at this sacred time of year.

The films: Die Hard and LA Confidential

Viewing order importance: Whatever strikes your fancy

Die Hard

What happens when a street hardened New York cop comes to Los Angeles to visit his estranged wife for the Holidays, attempts to join her office Xmas party, takes off his shoes and encounters some bad dudes? Why it’s the feel-good movie of the year! Move over Will Smith and your whimsically misspelled #1 box office hit of the Christmas weekend, Bruce Willis is gonna yippee-kai-yay your profits “into the back wall of the theatre” and show you the true meaning of Christmas.

It’s Christmas Eve in Los Angeles and at the Nakatomi Building spirits are high. That is, until Alan Rickman and Alexander Godunov (of previous Dollar Video Curation fame) show up at said Office Xmas party to blow a safe wide open and make off with hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds. Bruce Willis is hiding in the bathroom, not wearing any shoes, and kills all bad guys from the inside out, saving the day, and almost all of the employees (less Takagi himself and the office blow-sniffin’ gigolo), with the help of one, do-gooder cop on the outside. And wins his wife back over in the end.

Why this is a believable plot:

People in Los Angeles work really, really hard everyday, especially in the days leading up to Christmas and other major holidays. They don’t take a week off before and after holidays, thus making driving in LA the most enjoyable it could possibly be, because the roads are slightly less congested. The roads are less crowded because everyone is working so hard, and they are all in their offices.
The LAPD is very helpful. The only unbelievable part about this movie is that only ONE truly sympathetic cop is seen throughout the flick. If this event happened for real, all the cops on scene would be bending over backwards to help the rouge crazy man on the inside, based on their “hunches.”
A crack team of crazy-skilled Germans would certainly know the contents of the most well made safe known to man, and being so intelligent, would certainly chose to stage their break-in during a wild Christmas party, rather in the middle of the night where they might actually get away with it. This is Hollywood! What fun would that be?
Happy endings are real. R-E-A-L.

LA Confidential

Of course, the entire film doesn’t take place ONLY on Christmas Eve as does Die Hard, but many important events in the film do. Bud White, angry volatile woman lover, is much like “Santa with that list, but everyone on it’s been naughty.” Thus begins the flick, and Christmas Eve in the ‘Fidential consists of busting up of a domestic abuse situation, discovering high class whores cut to look like movie stars, staged and corrupt pot busts and drunken police rioting with Mexican prisoners at the jail house. It’s all apart of “Bloody Christmas” in Los Angeles. This is not however, just what it was like in the 1950’s Los Angeles, but as it is every day, every year, in this fair city.

Case in point:

The Press are everywhere, waiting to photograph the lowliest of all criminals as they are arrested, because everyone here is REALLY good looking. Also, everyone here always takes their glasses off before posing for said press photo. This is Hollywood! It’s all about your image.
Much like in Die Hard, it is here reinforced how helpful the LAPD is, as cops will put aside their petty differences and work together to solve crimes.
Glamorous movie stars openly hang out at the Formosa Café. Yeah, you also never see pathetic wanna-be extras hanging out there, pseudo-schmoozing, and looking for coke.
All of the hookers here are hot. They all look like Veronica Lake, Rita Hayworth, and Julia Roberts. Even the ones frequenting corner liquor stores and Hollywood Boulevard. You’ll never see hookers the size of your house hanging around outside the Little Caesar’s on Van Ness and Santa Monica.

As this is not a comprehensive list of why the Los Angeles depicted on film is exactly as it is in real life, the Curator encourages you to come to LA, and see for yourself. It’s the city of dreams, and your dreams will come true when you come here. It was stated in LA Confidential that, “when I came out to Hollywood, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” But don’t mind such statements or otherwise more “negative” depictions you may encounter in film. For example, the writing of this blog is exactly what we had in mind when we moved here. Merry Christmas!

Humiliating Movie Deaths

2006-12-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

The power of film. You recognize it when you see it. Or feel it. Quotes that stick with you, or a glistening tear rolling down a beautiful cheek. A soaring score that tugs at your heart strings, or a heroic death, a sacrifice that was made for the good of all humankind.

Eh.

What of the overlooked? The filler parts of the film, meant to amuse, move the story’s plot or suspense along, or to act as comic relief? For every poignant film death forever memorialized on the big screen, an extra, a bad guy or some other lesser character has to take one for the team. The yang to the hero’s yin. The black to the white of your starlet’s blank, emotionless eye. Let us look at some of the unfortunate sacrifices that have been made for the good of the plot, and share a moment of silence for these unfortunates.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - The Egyptian guy with the sword.

He comes out swinging with the biggest, shiniest, sharpest sword any of you fools have ever seen. Poor guy. For all his bravado and talent all he gets is shot in the gut by an indifferent Indy, and hoards of third world idiots swarm and cheer. While we laugh.

Jurassic Park - The “professional” hunter Robert Muldoon

This guy spent the entire film talking about what great hunters the Velociraptors are, and how deadly they are, and how they should never be underestimated, and how they always hunt in packs, and he still gets cocky and eaten. Real “clever” dumb ass.

Armageddon - The pilots of the “back-up” space shuttle

These two should have known they were doomed from the second they were cast as the pilots of the back-up space shuttle "Independence." They fly all the way to the deadliest of all meteors on a mission to save the entire world from destruction only to get creamed by some flying debris right as they arrive. Morons.

The Matrix - The cops in the government building

Granted, these guys probably didn’t have any idea what was coming, but they just get slaughtered. They figured their metal detector would be enough to protect the building from any extremist wackos, and boy did they get schooled. Nothing sadder than a faceless, surprised extra in a police uniform, fumbling for his weapon, only to get smoked.

Speed – Hysterical Helen

This shrieking mess of a woman tearfully tries to escape the ill-fated bus after she was warned not to, tempting Dennis Hopper to show the true meaning of his uncompromising nature, by blowing her up. Everyone else survived the bus, Helen. This was your own fault.

The Usual Suspects – Fenster

Benicio del Toro seemingly has received equal billing here, supposedly as important as the four other “suspects,” but when push comes to shove, he’s the first to go. And he doesn’t even merit a death with screen time. Instead, he is conveniently swept under the “Oh that guy? He tried to skip out and was killed” rug.

The Rock – Rouge Marine trying to steal the deadly nerve gas

This guy bites it in the first 5 minutes of the film. He’s got to go, and only to show us, the naïve viewer, what happens to someone when this gas is released. He gets locked in a room with no escape and only one window, to be stared at by David Morse as he dies slowly, painfully, and sizzlingly. Sorry dude. Those are the breaks.

Fargo – The parking lot attendant

This guy exists solely to get shot by Steve Buscemi leaving the Dayton Hudson parking lot after he was shot in the face. Ouch.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope - Every single person on the Death Star

Absolutely classic. The bigger and stronger you get, the more egomaniacal you become. That it would not EVER cross your mind that you are not too powerful to be taken down by a lone rebel is the very height of movie stupidity. A failure of leadership at the highest levels. We’re looking at you, Tarkin. Way to sign the death warrants of all your employees. Wonder how much insurance the Galactic Empire had to pay out on that one.

For all the sacrificed: a moment of silence. May future non-essential characters, actors and extras learn from their important lessons.

Special to the Dollar Video Curator! - It’s a Wonderful Life (as long as you don’t screw it up)

2006-12-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

(Note from the Curator: In the spirit of the sharing, the Curator has invited a very special guest into the screening room for your viewing and reading pleasure. 'Tis the Season! Get your nog on and enjoy.)

By Guest Curator Guy Fawkes.

It is certainly easier to be a critic than a creator. Who among us, given a chance to take God’s place and knowing what we now know, would create, say, a mosquito or Dick Cheney? Nonetheless, watching a film for mistakes can be amusing for those of us with too much time on our hands.

It’s a Wonderful Life has become a “holiday classic” more likely due to a clerk’s error than anything else. Apparently someone forgot to renew the film’s copyright in the 1970’s thereby throwing the movie into the public domain where networks and local stations began using it profusely as a filler during the holidays, beneficial to them since the nuisance of royalties was removed. Continued exposure to the film is one factor that has led to its acceptance as a “classic”. This is not an unknown phenomenon – witness the large number of Americans who think “decider” and “suicider” are acceptable nouns.

We start the movie with some basic math when we are told (actually Clarence is told) that George Bailey was 12 in 1919 (4:14 into the movie). We then learn of the death of Mr. Gower’s son Robert on May 3, 1919, according to the telegram nosily read by George (7:30). The next thing we know, George has rushed from the drug store to the Building and Loan. A calendar on the wall of the Building and Loan is not quite readable but it is easily determined that it is a month with four letters, 30 days and a Friday the 13^th. (9:18). Unfortunately for the film editor, June is the only month during 1919 that has a Friday the 13^th;so, we are left to wonder if George has stepped into a time warp or worm hole thrusting him, however briefly, into the next month.

When George returns to the drug store, Violet has replaced Mary at the counter and is eating her ice cream, presumably after devouring the “shoelaces”. (10:47).

Moving ahead nine years, George is getting ready to leave town when he encounters Bert and Ernie. Bert is reading a paper with the headline “Smith Wins Nomination” thereby allowing us to know that we are dealing with June 26 to 28, 1928. At that moment, a grown up Violet strolls by followed by a lady holding on to her hat (13:48). Several seconds later, the exact scene is repeated (13:57). Apparently the suggestiveness of Violet causes not only Bert to rush home to see what his wife is doing (wink, wink) but has pushed our hero back into another time warp. “It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! It’s déjà vu, I tell you, it’s déjà vu! Etc.”

Leaping ahead in the movie, George comes home after Uncle Billy has lost the dough. Mary takes George’s muffler and puts it on a small table by the telephone (1:25:15). We can still see it on the table at 1:26:20 but ten seconds later it has disappeared. Since Potter has no scruples about stealing $8,000.00, we can safely assume he has no qualms about stealing George’s muffler. This assumption is verified when George appears at Potter’s office later (1:32:17) and is wearing the scarf. I guess it never occurred to George that if Potter would steal his scarf he would steal Uncle Billy’s money too.

George’s son Peter is so outraged by this event that he jumps off the chair twice. (1:26:24 and 1:26:30).

Then, as we get toward the end of the film, we are again presented with a math conundrum. When George and Clarence are in the graveyard looking at Harry’s grave, Clarence announces that Harry drowned at nine. As George sweeps back the snow, however, the dates of Harry’s life are shown as 1911 – 1919 (1:59:05).

I have determined that the film editor was a 1940’s version of Stephen Hawking under whose theories all time discrepancies excepting the arrow of time always moving from the past to the future can be resolved. Anarchists United.
- Guy Fawkes

The Lord of the Dance

2006-11-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

"First dance. First love. The time of your life."

Dirty Dancing - that quintessentially classic film and required viewing for all pre-teen girls. The film that spawned an unfortunate resurgence of interest in early 60's pop music, and a breadth of bad fashion throw-backs. A coming-of-age film, a thinly veiled sex-instructional. A film about rebellion, and innocence lost...the Curator is drooling.

On the eve of its 20th anniversary, a rare, private screening has been arranged. So get your Keds on, roll up those cut-offs, and get ready to vastly change over the course of a three week summer vacation. Here comes everything you you’ve ever wanted to know about Dirty Dancing….a 3-Part analysis on the life and growth of Baby.

Part 1 - Nobody Puts Baby in the Catskills

We open on a happy scene, a family driving off to a long overdue summer vacation in the Catskills. Innocence is established with cutesy teen “Baby,” hugging dad on the neck from the back seat while “Big Girls Don’t Cry” plays softly in the background. It is apparent our Baby is growing up. She may be still naïve, but she is ripe for discovery.

The happy family arrives at happy vacation spot, and it turns out dear old dad is best pals with resort owner. The fam’ will be receiving extra special treatment. Oh yeah they will, in BOY form. First thing Baby does is snoop around and eavesdrop. She overhears old man Kellerman encouraging the waiters to show the daughters a good time, “even the dogs.”

But then….enter Johnny Castle, who tells Robbie the waiter to, “Just put your pickle on everybody's plate college boy and leave the hard stuff to me.” Oh my. Now the Curator can only imagine what he means by this phrase. Perhaps a bit of constructive criticism on his waitering technique? Whatever the case, when Baby sees Johnny and Penny dance the Mambo together later that night, she gets a bit of a funny feeling inside.

Part 2 - Baby Crawls out of the Playpen

Kellerman’s is BORING! What’s a girl to do while the folks Foxtrot? I guess I’ll go on a walk…..Huh, Staff Quarters, No Guests….Wonder what could be going on up there….Wowza! What are these kids doing? Sheesh, they’re almost screwing on the floor! Dirty dancing has arrived!

“Wanna try it?” asks friendly boy-type Billy who also just so happens to be Johnny Castle’s cousin. “Uh-uh,” Baby shakes her head, looking down at the floor. Boys have cooties!

But Baby soon proves unable to resist that beckoning finger call from Mr. Castle, she is drawn to the dance floor, thus receiving her first instructional from Johnny, a bit of masturbation if you will. Roll this way, Baby, thrust that way, Baby. It all happened so fast, and just when she is beginning to “get it,” it’s over. But there’s no turning back for Baby after that taste.

Fortunately, Ex-Rockette/Dance Instructor Penny gets herself “into trouble.” Then, Baby learns a cruel lesson, not all boys are honorable! You mean that she’s preggers and the boy KNOWS and won’t HELP! Unheard of! But seeing how this is her chance to Mambo her way into the hot man’s arms, Baby gets Penny some money to “take care of it,” and some free dance lessons. Now she must learn the very dance she saw only days before, courtesy of Johnny “All the Right Moves” Castle.

While learning all the steps and twirls, Baby is exposed to some light, friendly lesbian play and a quickie threesome, but the true lesson comes only with the lifts. The Lifts!!

She must run and leap through the air graceful as can be, a soaring eagle, a sexually liberated woman. And it’s all about trust. Johnny tells her, “Now, you'll hurt me if you don't trust me, all right?” Awe, a metaphor for a real, live relationship. Our Baby is growing up. Sniff. But, she fucks up it during the big show. Ooops. Guess Baby still has a few things to learn.

Part 3 – Baby Learns to Fly

After the big show Baby gets another harsh lesson from dear old Dad. Turns out she lied to him about what the money she gave Penny was for and now he doesn’t trust her anymore. So she runs to The Swayze for a bit of comfort, and a good old fashioned, wholesome, free-range sausage party. “Do you love me now that I can dance?” Indeed. Post-doin’ it, Johnny suddenly realized he is not on a first name basis with the girl he just boned, and has the class to ask her about it. To which he replies, “Frances. That's a real grown up name.” Good come back, Johnny! But, he is correct. Baby has simultaneously shed her virginity and her ridiculous childhood in one fell stroke, arriving with a short, heel-burning skid into womanhood. Now if only there was a chance to somehow have another dance scene so she could perfect that darn lift….

But meanwhile, sex can’t solve all her problems. Baby is discovering that the world is not the place she thought it was, that somehow her sheltered existence bedecked in rose-colored glasses didn’t prepare her for the harsh realities of the real world. Huh. When Johnny is accused of stealing wallets, Baby has to own up as his alibi. Strong girl that she is, she announces to the entire resort, “Johnny couldn’t have taken the wallet. I know it. I just know it. Because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know he was in his room all night is that because he was fucking the shit of me.” For some reason Dad reacts badly to this, as does resort owner, and Johnny gets fired.

Baby/Francis is a broken girl/woman. The world has crumbled around her. Cruel World! The Swayze has driven off into the…driving rain, alone with his thoughts that take on a poignant, musical form(a song deserving of permanent adhesion in the Movie Music Hall of Fame), and Dad is so angry he infamously puts Baby….uh, somewhere out of the way.

But there may yet be one last chance for Baby to blossom. The Swayze returns, record in hand, and asks Miss Francis Houseman to “Have the Time of Her Life” while strutting her stuff in Mambo form. The audiences’ breath is held….the lift….will she be able to trust Johnny, trust herself, put aside all she knows while embracing the future in all its scariness, and take flight into Womanhood????

Ladies and Gentleman, Francis has left the building.

Erotique: It's Your Chance To Do The Hump

2006-11-20T23:18:00.000-08:00

The Erotic Thriller: a genre extinct? The 1980s and 90s seemingly had multitudes of film execs sitting around bistro tables drinking wine spritzers and snorting lines, coming up with new ways to simultaneously skeeve-out and stimulate the Film-Going American Public. Are those grand days over? Perhaps…but fear not....much like a weathered porno mag found in the woods behind your parents’ house, that’s what cheap used videos are for: learning and reminiscing. And now, to fill your empty, cavernous need, a triple play, a ménage a trois if you will, of sex thrillers, all complete with cringe-worthy sex romps that will leave you feeling just a little bit creepy inside. Nothing illegal, not even porno, just something that is a little bit….off. Strap yourself in for a wild night of semi-deviant sex scenes featuring bizarrely matched and mostly unattractive celebs.

The Films: Dressed to Kill, Presumed Innocent, The Big Easy

Viewing order importance: It matters not.

Dressed to Kill – Brian DePalma, imagined master of the dirty sex thriller, opens with a soft-core shower scene, with Angie Dickinson giving herself a good old-fashioned, lonely-wife, nipple rub down, complete with searching camera and mournful music. She stares at the object of her affection, a disinterested husband, who shaves in the mirror, as she peers through the water-speckled shower door, rubbing a sliver of soap over all her dirty parts. Vastly gratuitous, she focuses her scrubbing bubbles solely on nips and crotch, until interrupted by a man who grabs her from behind and struggles with her. Is it a dream? Is it a fantasy?

Ah, a fantasy, as a quick cut to missionary position under the cover humping reveals, starring Angie and hubbie. The guy is seriously all business - doesn't even look up at our Ange - and he at first appears to have done a stand-up job, but the Curator suspects a fake.

Upon completion of her dissatisfactory duty, the bored house wife staggers out into the world to gaze upon some art while making a grocery list. However she ends up picking up a random fellow art lover for some afternoon adultery instead, hooking him with a sly technique involving the old "irresistible, classic beige Isotoner glove incentive,” after an elaborate interior museum flirt and chase.

From there we proceed to Taxi ride where the stranger commences with the cunnilingi, complete with driver adjusting and peering in the rear view mirror. Watching the stranger’s hand with gold bracelet remove her underthings in quite a luxurious site.

Later, back at mystery man’s pad, and “after the lovin” an urban legend horror is realized when Ange finds a Lab Result confirming mystery man’s got the VD. Of all the lousy luck….Angie splits out of there but quick, only to get murdered in the elevator of man’s building. By a transvestite. Named Michael Caine. And all this happens in the first 30 minutes.

Catch your breath and move on to:

Presumed Innocent – On the surface, the sex in this 1990 thriller isn’t so creepy. It’s got Harrison Ford, pre-most-wrinkles-and-sags, and Greta Scacchi. She’s hot. Yes, Brian Dennehy is in there, but thankfully his sex is only referenced, not shown.

But there is something about the power-hump on the Greta’s desk after she and Harry win a Child Abuse Case together that is just kind of “yicky.” Maybe it’s the graphic intensity Harrison displays as he drops his drawers, sucks a nip and powers through that stack of legal “briefs.” Maybe it is just that there is something disconcerting about Harry’s naked thrusting hip.

The creepier portions include a constantly referenced rape or not-rape crime with various suspects “fingered,” and the sleezy autopsy doctor describing how “real nice” the rape was, before the angry perp smashes her on the head. The finger of blames finally rests on Harrison, and he now must go on trial for his lover’s murder. The ewww-y-est of all moments however is not a sex scene, but is Harrison’s wife’s description of pulling her husband’s spermicided ooze out of herself and implanting it in dead Greta with a syringe. Nothing says lovin’ like something in the oven.

Panting, panting, panting and:

The Big Easy –Unease best describes the unadulterated sleeziness that permeates with Zaidigo vapors off a bed befouled by Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin. It is presumed that, as an actor or actress, the shooting of a “romance” scene must be (at least) somewhat uncomfortable and (likely) excruciatingly embarrassing. With that in mind, Quaid and Barkin appear to be trying to make anyone who ever sees this film as uncomfortable as they once were. Payback’s a bitch.

The first 30 minutes or so are a kind of chemistry-lacking foreplay to what seems to be one of the most awkward sex encounters of all time. After a bit of hanky-panky and various clothings are removed, Ellen claims, mid-almost coitus, she is “not very good at this,” and “can’t do this" because "I am too nervous, I can’t relax.” Well hell darlin’ how do expect a man to respond to something like that? Denny tells her “Just relax, darlin'. This is the Big Easy. Folks have a certain way o' doin' things down here.” Ummm…yeah. She is then licked and fingered in that not so secret spot by Denny as he slinks all over the sheet, licking her thigh and grunting in his over-the-top, cajon-ified, ridiculous accent. When he kisses her he looks like he is eating her face, and she appears to be probing something out of his far back wisdom tooth with her tongue. The scene is finally interrupted by a murder, but not before Denny’s ass is revealed. Ellen tells us “I’ve never had much luck with sex” to which Denny informs her that “her luck is about to change.” As is our own, as is our own.

So. Looking to seduce that special someone with your knowledge of racy, semi-grody sex scenes? Want to indulge yourself in the films your parents watched but you never got to see cause they were “too grown-up?” Do yourself up right and dirty by laying your scummy little hands on these sexy flicks. You won’t be sorry you did…..for long.

The Unsung Glory of Joe Don Baker

2006-11-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

Joe Don Baker is a hero of a movie star. Why? Well, Joe Don is not afraid to play what he is. With rutty face in various stages of bloat and constant can of beer in hand, he is true to his essence, heroically taking on the lesser role again and again. The handsome starring role, the funny-man lead, or any sympathetic character? You will find none of these in Joe Don’s repertoire. He’ll break every rule without regret, unapologetically leave porn on the couch, and fill those size 40 pants every time, all for the good of the movie. So wave that American flag and settle your fat ass down onto your beer-stained-couch with potato chips between the cushions. Joe Don, we salute you with a triple feature!!!

The Films: Fletch, Cape Fear (1991), Mitchell

Viewing order importance: Mitchell is the finale, always

Fletch
Joe Don stars opposite funny man Chevy Chase as corrupt police Chief Captain Karlin. Who else could play the enemy in a Chevy Chase vehicle? Everyone knows that Chevy is gonna come out on top, but somebody’s got to be the bad guy. There is of course Tim Matheson, but he plays a bigot with two wives, so at least he’s getting something out of the deal. Not a whole lot of screen time here, but in the sparse moments he has, he proves his bad-guy self quickly, by taking away Chevy’s first amendment rights, threatening to kill him if he writes a certain news article, turning on his drug smuggling partner, and posing for a photograph with Tommy Lasorda. Off-screen he puts together the grandest drug smuggling scheme the City of Angels has ever seen. The corrupt police chief goes down every time in such comedic feel-good type films, but no one else could go down with the class of Joe Don. He sayeth, “Dipshit! You go back on that goddamn beach and you won't live to regret it! All right?” All right, Joe Don. All right indeed.

Cape Fear
First off, the man drinks Jim Beam and Pepto Bismol. Mixed together. There is nothing more fucking tough than that. Not to mention how soothing it is.

Second, check these quotes out:
"Think of a gun as an extension of your fist. You’re just reaching out and knockin’ a man down. Boom! Later on, we’ll go out to the woods, and shoot some trees."
AND
“Well, gee golly gosh. I sure am sorry I offended you, you white trash piece of shit.”
Here Joe Don plays a private dick, helping out the Bowden family with intimidation tactics to scary off Mr. Max Cady, and by playing a vital role in household protection services. Well, he doesn’t do a very good job, but does have some pretty great trapping and wounding ideas, like “doing a little hospital job” on someone with “two pieces of pipe and a bicycle chain.” But nothing quite beats wiring every window, door and opening in the house to a teddy bear and sitting and staring at it all night. "If the bear moves a quarter of an inch, I know if the Holy Ghost is sneaking in." Unfortunately the Jim Beam and Pepto slowed his judgment and he gets strangled with a piano wire. May he rest in peace.

Mitchell
Joe Don actually has the starring, name-sake role in Mitchell, an impressive feat for the co-stars of the Dollar Video Curator, which is why the best must be saved for last. Mitchell is a soft-bellied cop with a penchant for not letting the "rules" get in the way of solving a case, and this time he is on the busting end of a drug smuggle gone awry. The first time we see Mitchell he is passed out drunk in the back of a black and white. Under arrest? Ah hell no. Just catching a ride to the crime scene.

Some of the finer points of Mitchell: the slow speed car chase up the Hollywood Hill complete with sweet chase bass, the arguing and yelling at of some kid while on a stakeout, the kicking of an old lady out of her car, followed by that car’s explosion, a chopper dropping a gun down to Mitchell who is involved in a foot chase, followed by a yacht/chopper chase, climaxed by a leap from chopper onto yacht with fist fights, choking, and shootings.

The pièce de résistance however, is the Joe Don/Linda Evans sex scene. Linda is a prostitute, whom Joe Don first seduces by elegantly spilling beer foam on her knee. The scene consists of three repeating shots: one of them kissing, one of the two of them completely covered by, and struggling under, a sheet, and one of their feet rubbing together. These scenes are then edited by using each clip over and over in varying combinations, interrupted only by Mitchell grabbing a sixer of Schlitz with his big toe. Mid-climax we can only imagine. Then he arrests her for soliciting sex. From him.

A memorable exchange:
Linda as Greta: He lays me, then busts me.
Mitchell: Well, she asked me to.
Police Clerk: What, lay her or bust her?
Mitchell: Both!

An American hero, through and through, we celebrate Joe Don for his commitment to playing the man we all want to see. The man we all want to be. The man buying Jim Beam, Pepto and Schlitz from the corner liquor store as he hitches up his pants, winks at that little girly pumping gas across the street, and then peels out on a wet city street, hurrying home to the prostitute who lay upon his hide-a-bed couch in a den littered with empty beer cans, over flowing ashtrays and abandoned TV dinner boxes.

He kicks the apartment door in and things really start to heat up. She bolts upright, startled by the sound, and by the mighty smell of sweat-soaked testosterone, a crusty sheet wrapped around her midsection. He sexily smirks as he removes his strangling neck tie and the 15 pounds of weaponry from the small of his back, the holsters beneath his jacket, and at his ankle. A belt buckle is undone, an ottoman tripped over. A dog barks in the distance as he falls upon her alcohol saturated skin……

Rated XXX, obviously.

Miss Understood: Hitchcock’s Bad Girl Broads

2006-11-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

Le Femme Fatale, Hollywood noir favorite, at first irresistible, sexy and wild, and then, broken, whorish, deadly. The subjugated woman, sacrificed, used. Nobody does it better than ol’ Hitch. But here we’ve got something else to contend with: serious attitude, reputation, a sense of purpose and notoriety. Of these ladies, each has two sides, one good, one bad, not so much deadly, as just plain old misunderstood. As Queen Streisand herself has elegantly demonstrated, the mirror does indeed have two faces. A reflection, herein, deserved of examination.

The Films: Notorious, North by Northwest, Psycho

Viewing order importance: As above

Notorious

Ingrid Bergman as Alicia Huberman – “On the wagon? That’s just a phase.”
Daughter of a Nazi sympathizer and known party-time girl is enlisted by US government to do some good old fashioned spying on underground Nazis in Brazil. Sauvé agent Cary Grant also has some love business to take care of, but then throws our Alicia to the wolves, accusing her of being a slut and a drunk to boot. "Once a tramp, always a tramp."

She first becomes a double agent, befriending Alexander Sebastian, Nazi turned Brazilian played by the excellent Claude Rains, who is hiding out in South America. Cary, Alicia’s only contact with the outside world, constantly accuses her of being a binge drinkin' party girl, and then tells her to dry her eyes when he makes her cry. Then he offers her up as a sacrificial wife to the bad guy. Just screw the info out of him already.

So, Alicia has no choice but to drink and fuck to prove her loyalty, assuming her bad-girl role to protect her sad broken heart. She is so reduced to her roll she tells Cary she is hung-over when she is actually dying from being poisoned. Only whence Cary pulls his puffed up, overly-proud head out of his ass does he realize the folly of his ways. Poor Alicia, between the booze, poison and screwing her thinking has been fogged. Give her a break!

North By Northwest
Eva Marie Saint as Eve Kendall – “She uses sex like some people use a fly swatter.” She at first is a seemingly bored train traveler a bit too interested in a dalliance on the wild side with a fugitive, "I'm 26 and unmarried. Now you know everything.” It turns out Eve is actually in league with the bad guys. Or is she? She goes through a whole lot of torment at the hands of Cary Grant, having really "gotten under his skin" and is accused of all kinds of nasties: whoring and lying for starters.

But once she is exposed as a "double agent" Cary can't get enough of trying to save her - putting himself on the line and even yanking her back from certain death by Mount Rushmore face. Is she redeemed in the end? Well, Cary does make an honest woman out of her by making her the fourth Mrs. Thornhill, and the viewer is then privy to her baptism by honest cock, in the form of train thrusting into tunnel. Way to go, bad girl!

Psycho
Anthony Perkins as Mother – “A boy’s best friend is his Mother.”

Now if there ever was a woman misunderstood, it's gotta be Mother. Tony Perkins's murderous feminine side is a force to be reckoned with. Anytime any sort of sexual arousal comes "up," Mother steps in and takes care of business, cause as we all know, there's nothing that kills sexual excitement quite like Mother. But calling Mother a murderer is really not quite fair. She's got a really bad image because she killed that hot blond chick in the shower, but Mother is really just Tony's idea of Mother, not how Mother was in real life. In fact, Mother was a hot-blooded lady trying to get it on with her man-meat until Tony ruined it all. So ease up on the lady. She's dead for Christsake.

Conclusion:

Obviously Cary Grant plays a fairly instrumental roll in making a woman feel like shit. And who can even imagine the effect he may have had on Mother.

Moral of the Trilogy:

Give the bad girl in your life a break today!

The Future's So Bright .....I Gotta Kill Humans

2006-11-05T16:50:00.000-08:00

The Films: Terminator 2 vs. The Matrix

At their roots, T2 and The Matrix are essentially the same movie. The future is grim, machines have taken over, and a small band of rebel humans are attempting to take the world back, by force. With such similarities, a comparison is thus solicited: in a face off, would the Terminators beat the Machines of the Matrix? What if the good and bad guys in each film were switched? Could the Terminators beat Neo and Co.? How would John Conners and Mom fare against the Agents? What about John Conners versus Neo? Who is the more hearty insurgent? And what effect does the wearing of sunglasses have on one’s level of badassness? Let's compare, shall we?

The Machines of Terminator 2 – T2 is by far the superior of the 3 Terminator films, but also an appropriate flick to use for the purpose of comparing actual machinery. There are two options here, the old stand by and the new and improved version. How do they rate? Arnold is pretty sturdy, sort of the "old reliable" of the Terminator machines. He can take a licking, but he also has some pretty serious defects. His head, simply put, is squashable. His CPU is apparently located there, and with enough force, one can easily take him out. Yes, he may have a back-up power source, but any foe worth fighting would research these weaknesses and be ready to exploit them. The new improved Melty-Metal Terminator however, played by the ultra cool Robert Patrick, is a far more worthy adversary. His head can be squashed and reformed, no problemo. Melty-Metal Robert's only weakness seems to be a well placed foundry, which in time, the Curator is sure, he will be able to avoid in most chase scenarios.
Sunglasses all around, check.

The Machines of The Matrix - Here we essentially have a couple different types of machines; the buggish, worker machines, and the human-looking agents. For the purposes of this comparison, we will focus on solely on the human-type machines. These dudes are pretty bad ass, much like Metal Robert above. They can move way faster than humans, recover easily from injury and are basically all knowing. They designed the Matrix, and thus know its various ins and outs. How can they be beat then? Mind over matter, boys. Mind over matter. As Morpheus states, the machines are a part of the Matrix, and are thus grounded by its rules. Anyone with a bit of mind control should be able to waste these fools.
Sunglasses, check.

The Humans of Terminator 2 - The humans here are at a pretty solid disadvantage compared to the humans of the Matrix. They have no super powers, few geeky computer skills and are mostly muscle rather than brain. Sure, they have access to a lot of weaponry, some solid black market buying power, the will to be trained in a military type atmosphere, and the desire to save humanity from all out destruction, but really, they come up a bit short. All they really have working in their favor is a constant supply of speedy vehicles and a bit of luck.
Sunglasses? Nope.

The Humans of The Matrix – The few that are not sucked into the dream-world matrix are pretty solid. One or two defectors aside, as long as they can wrap their intellect around metaphors such as "the body cannot live without the mind" and "the mind makes it real," they are mostly indestructible. Enter Neo. He tops them all by learning to destroy agents by "absorption,” while his mind is completely free of all normal human restraints. First he disarms his enemy with his blank, dull-eyed stare, therefore confounding his foe into believing he is as stupid as he looks. Then he kicks a lot. Draw backs: when not plugged in, he is just a big fucking geek who knows too much about computers.
Sunglasses, check.

The Verdicts:

On the Machines: Metal Robert of T2 has the clear advantage over Arnold, as well as The Matrix agents. How so? Physically, the only way to destroy him is by melting him at extreme temperatures. He can not be absorbed, tricked, plugged into or even frozen.

On the Humans:
The Humans in T2 are lame. There is no comparison between them and Neo, even if Neo is only kicking virtual ass. All John and family have at their disposal is a huge arsenal and some stolen cars. Neo can stop bullets and fly. Case closed.

Conclusions:

1. Sunglasses directly contribute to one’s level of hardcoreness and fighting ability.

2. Melty-Metal Robert must meet Neo in a Face 2 Face grudge match. Winner takes all. The fate of the free world lay in the balance. Unfortunately for us humans, the Curator's money is on Melty-Metal Robert.

Chic vs. Hick - The Power of the Nonsexual-Homosexual Friendship

2006-11-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

Friends. What would the world be like without that buddy you rely on? The laughter you share. The one you can always drunk dial, confess sins you wouldn't tell a priest to, or drive off a cliff with?

But will your friends kill for you? A lot? Willingly die? Maybe you haven't had a chance to put that one to the test yet. The Curator begs to question, does sex matter? Let's find out.

The Films: Thelma and Louise, Tombstone

Viewing order importance: Either will do, but recommended as above. Because the Curator says so.

Thelma and Louise: A fine example of chic-flickiness, directed by Ridley Scott. Yes, Ridley Scott, with a plethora of wonderful co-stars that the Curator will resist writing about as we are wont to sometimes do. Abusive men and monotonous jobs set these 2 off on a date with destiny. Everything packed? Well let's see, scarves, sunglasses, fishing net, gun....wait GUN? Thelma what are you doing with that? Uh oh, here comes trouble.

These ladies were just out for a bit of fun, some good Ol’ Fashioned Honky Tonk Bar Dancing fun. But it's a good thing that gun is handy when Thelma almost gets raped in the parking lot, inspiring the birth of....the Toxic-Shock Avengers!! Females on the run, and ready to take no shit. Louise is ready to kill a man with his pants around his ankles in Alabama for her friend. That takes some ovaries. So what else will a girl do for another?

Well Thelma finally gets laid proper by the torso known as Brad Pitt, but that sneak steals all of Louise's money. Fucker! So to make up for it, Thelma turns to armed robbery. Not bad, not bad. But THEN! Thelma stuffs a cop in the trunk for Louise, and they both take on the gross truck-driving tongue guy. They've officially found their crime niche, and are pretty bad ass by now. But hunted. "How many times will they have to get screwed over?" muses our Harvey Keitel, one of only 2 friendly man types in this film? In the final fateful standoff, they decide to die together, rather than be taken alive. Thelma suggests, Louise agrees, a kiss, a hand grasp and off the cliff we go. Damn, that's tough ladies.

Tombstone: Already filled with manly comments such as "I'm your huckleberry," "Skin it," "Pull out that smoke wagon," and "Wyatt Earp is my friend," one wonders how much better it can get. Let us see how far man will go for other man.

First you've got the brothers, perennial co-stars Sam Elliott and Bill Paxton, who schlep their wives out to Arizona to be with brother Wyatt, and then you've got Val Kilmer, pre-facial mole removal, and glittery with laboring sweat as the fabu Doc Holliday. And all are be-decked with mustache. We are off to a grand beginning.

It's all fun and games at the start, boys making money, bonding over barroom drinks with the wives tucked safely at home, slowly addicting themselves to Opium. But when they need a "new sheriff in town," the brothers have a rift. Co-stars feel it's their duty, but Wyatt doesn't want to get involved. He reluctantly does when the cowboys are waiting for some man-slaughter at the OK Corral. Step up, Mr. Holliday. He is always ready to die for Wyatt. When Wyatt tells him its not his concern Doc says "That is a hell of a thing for YOU to say to ME." Well.

Gun fire craziness and the battle is won, but those cowboys are out for revenge. Kill Bill, maim Sam, and the wives are out of there. That leaves Wyatt, Doc and some cowboy defectors to close this deal. When it comes to the final showdown, Wyatt knows he can't beat that crazy Ringo. To save his friend Doc pulls himself out of his lunger bed, bleeding from the mouth, and finishes that guy off with the quickest gun-pull that side of the mighty Miss. We consider this quite a feat, considering the Curator can hardly get out up out of a chair after smoking a couple cigarettes. In the end, Doc is only taken out by the TB, after sending Wyatt off to his unending happiness.

Conclusion: It doesn't appear that sex matters much in the “willing to die for your friend category.” It could be just the circumstances, or the timing. The moral is, if you have that friend, the one you think will step up, hang on tight to that sweaty, scarf-sporting, gun-toting maniac. You never know when you're gonna need them.

Gone Watchin'

2006-11-03T15:59:00.000-08:00

The Curator is out returning some videos tapes.
Coming soon:
Men Behaving Badly
The Unsung Glory of Joe Don Baker
Miss Understood: Hitchcock's Bad Girl Broads

The Lasting Legacy of GW Bailey: Blood, Sweat, Cursing & Film Security

2006-10-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

Lieutenant Harris. Captain Felix Maxwell. Skroeder. Anyway you slice him, GW Bailey is the cop/security guard you love to hate. While each of these films deserves a more thorough examination for their many, many merits, the Curator once again takes time to devote a post to an overlooked co-star: GW Bailey, the embodiment of type-casting at its finest. The classic line, "Do you understand me numb-nuts??!!" in the original Police Academy pretty much nailed his career coffin shut, with Bailey preserved inside, permanently costumed in blue. And who benefits from such predictability in the comedy genre? Why we the viewer, of course! Let us celebrate the co-starring career of the first GW.

The Films: Police Academy, Short Circuit, Mannequin

Viewing order importance: As above. Watch the depth of GW Bailey’s character study deepen, as his rank progressively dives

Police Academy (1984) – GW co-stars as Lt. Harris, and is given the unhappy task of weeding out the undesirables of this year's Police Academy recruits. Preferably, those without johnsons, but every other slacker as well (cue evil laughter). Lines such as, "You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives!” immediately set GW up to be the sorry recipient of most cadets’ jokes. Bailey the actor is many things, but proud he ain't. Here he establishes himself as the drinkin' and unthinkin' man's R. Lee Ermey. What sort of match could he be against suave Mahoney, played by ever dashing Steve Guttenberg? Guttenberg, who can come up with such brilliant schemes as "brown shoe polish on the megaphone mouth piece" and “send the ass-kissers to the fake party at the Gay Biker Bar,” and the old “hide a prostitute in a podium to give someone a blow job” gag? But phase Harris, he does not. He's a tough nut to crack, continuously proving he is willing to be at the literal ass end of any joke for our entertainment, by riding a dirt bike head first into a horse's butthole.

Short Circuit (1986) – As once was not enough punishment, Bailey takes another turn starring opposite Steve Guttenberg. GW first appears right after the Robot Explosion technique extravaganza, unfazed, sour puss and all. The viewer immediately recognizes Skroeder as a potential problem. Big ass security for big ass Nova Labs, he is obviously ALL business and no pleasure, the opposite of Robot Number 5. Indeed, Number 5 is the nemesis of our GW Bailey, though the humiliation here is, deservedly, mostly Guttenberg's.

GW is simply more of a meany here, and less of a joke receptacle. But hate him we do, for how can anyone other than Satan himself want to deny Number 5 his Scientist given rights of Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Input? Why Skroeder of course, who only desires to blow up the clever Number 5 and get on with his life. "This little fart of a robot is beginning to give me the red ass!!” he threatens. He is after all only trying to do his job. And DOES his job, he do, blowing up what he believes to be Number 5. And what’s the thanks he gets? He gets fired! What a pile of horseshit. But that would explain his next role, having been seemingly demoted to Department Store Securing Guard in…..

Mannequin (1987) - Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall notwithstanding, GW is again pretty much on his own against the cool kids, though here he is far more of a kiss ass, certainly less of a bad ass, and mostly just much more of a dumb ass. Bailey as Felix is set on the case to destroy both the flourishing love and career of Andrew “Failed Artist” McCarthy, by the awesomely uber-geeky James Spader, at failing department store Prince & Company. Flourishing love story, that is, as demonstrated by a dancing, costume changing montage interrupted by wildly cliché gay man, further interrupted by Felix.

Mannequin is quite painful to swallow, even for the Curator, who has a film-going stomach coated in Teflon. The most remarkable element of Mannequin is that every single actor in this film seems to be joining GW in creating characters that are the worst parody of the worst role any of them have ever played. And none of them seem to care. Well, far be it from the Curator to judge. At least GW is not alone.

Conclusion: This 1 star trilogy neatly sums up GW’s career in security, in both private and pubic sectors, in a mostly digestible 4 and ½ hours. But do not let the uniform fool you. Look beyond the tough exterior, and see the man who lay beneath. Know your enemy, as it were. Does he not desire love, affection, and peace on earth as we all do? Let us learn from his lasting legacy, and get your worthless ass to the video store and rent this trilogy! Move it Move it Move it Move it!

Youth Gone Mild

2006-09-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

The family film. Something for the whole crew to enjoy. No awkward sex scenes to cross your legs at, pull your hair line over, or embarrassingly explain away. No curse words to scoff at or pretend you don't use, all the while cursing Stephen Spielberg under your penis breath for that "PG" rating on "Temple of Doom." What this family needs is an instant classic! Good, clean fun, for ages 1 thru 91. The Curator gives you now a triple feature sure to please all the children, older family members and most non-wacko religious relations. So pop some corn, dim the lights (but not too dim!) and celebrate your Ken doll's lack of a johnson. Not that we ever looked....

The Films: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Cloak and Dagger, A Christmas Story

Viewing order: Kiddie's choice! Let them fight it out while you shake your martini. Threaten bedtime if not resolved in 5 minutes.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (as long as you are not Evangelical anyway): Ol' Harry "Under-The-Stairs" Potter has lived a hard life these past 11 years. The unfairness of it all. But as all children know, no worthy child goes unrewarded. The meek shall inherit the middle-earth and receive an unexpected, full-ride scholarship complete with robe, wand, broom and board to the Ivy league-ist of all Witchcraft Junior High Schools. Wherein, you shall befriend two ugly duckling nerd friends, find out you are a prince among thieves and save the whole darn school from utter destruction while scoring extra points for your dorm, ace all your classes, and be a Sports Star to boot. Don't pinch me! I don't want to wake up!!

Cloak and Dagger: Henry Thomas, burned out at age 10 and making a hard right out of the "ET" fast lane, takes a roll in a more artsy film, opposite the ever-awesome Dabney Coleman, and cute nobody Christina Nigra. It’s a 1984 boy's ultra-fantasy world of spies and intrigue. His mother may be dead, his father may be absent, but thank god he's got the weird owner of an Atari store in a strip mall loner to look up too. At least somebody plays with the kid. When reality and fantasy mix though, watch out! To be sure, there are some dirty Russians out looking to take advantage of some hallucinating kid at every turn. The only way for Davey to be saved is to hope "hero fantasy dad" and "real absent dad" can somehow cross paths and save him from a life of borderline abusive drug use and art school.

A Christmas Story: It was the mid 80's; VHS was king, Madonna was queen, and all good children were expected to celebrate Christmas, at least while in school, regardless of race, color and creed. "Oh Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge..... is the worst curse you'll hear throughout this gem of a family flick. The other "F" word is implied though, so have your thesaurus at the ready! All little Ralphie wants is a Red Ridder BB gun for Xmas. All dad wants is a light-up sexy lamp leg. All mom wants is some peace and flippin' quiet, and all little brother wants is to never have to eat dinner again. Oh the 40's. As depicted by the 80's. All-American at the core, it's really just about gettin' a gun to defend your naïve family. Watch it with yer outta state relatives, and then join the NRA.

Rated G: for a Goddamn Good Time Had By Mother Fuckin' All!

Buddy Buddy

2006-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

The Buddy Movie. 2 guys from different worlds, against all odds, thrown into the fray, somehow learning to work together, defeat the bad guys, and become friends at the end. Inspiration? Oh yeah. Taking a day off work of scouring the dollar video bins, and the #1 double feature of the day is:

Tango & Cash, Rush Hour 2: the two finest examples of Buddy Cop movies to grace the Curator's shelves.

Tango & Cash - Tango, played by Mr. Sly "Rambo is a Pussy" Stallone, kicks the film off by doing some major wrong to bad ass coke mover Jack Palance somewhere in the California desert. Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, enter Tango, the fluffy, feather-haired Kurt Russell, who simultaneously busts another of Jack's crimes. Jack vows to, "Do something" about our fair cops Tango & Cash, who are always foiling his evil plans. Is this some kind of police teamwork you ask? Oh no, Tango & Cash are at odds. They are each far too bad ass to work with a partner. As their own chief of police states, it's the "Downtown Clown versus the Beverly Hills Wop." Touché.

But what is Jack up too? Some diabolical scheme to put an end to these do-gooders? But not death! They mustn’t be killed. That's too easy. Beat them at their own game, and pin a crime on them, ruin their cred. One shoddy audio tape later along with some planted guns, and fast forward to the trial.

Things are not going Tango & Cash's collective way. Turns out they may have to cop a plea to get out of this one. And another mistake! They somehow got put in general population at a hard time prison. Oh shit. This ain't Club Fed; torture, and beat downs, you better fuckin’ believe it. The whole damn system is corrupt, so much that the only way out is escape. And when T & C are out, someone is gonna have to pay.

Out they get, at first reverting back to their lone wolf ways, trying to solve this puzzle on their own, won't they ever learn? They may be sworn enemies secretly desiring to hate fuck*, but only by working together will they crack this one, and redeem their valors. Action packin', hot sister a dancin', walk in on fake misunderstood sex a havin' scenes lead up to each guy getting to drive his own power vehicle, side by side, through the bad guys' warehouse. How to end it after all that? Nothing will do but a classic high-five hand clap still to fade out into newspaper photograph of redeemed heroes. Awesome!!!

*see gratuitous prison shower scene complete with soap bar drop preceded by expected penis-size joke

Rush Hour 2
Rush Hour 1 = perfectly honed mass consumption masterpiece. Why fuck with the formula? The unlikely pairing of Chinese and Black guy cops, worlds apart, are reunited, again, for more high-larity.

Chris joins Jackie in Hong Kong for some relaxing fun. Jackie promises to show him a good time, but damn it! Work is always interfering! And what new danger do they face in version 2: A hot chick in a wig, blowing up buildings.

We can always count on kung fu madness to break out at any given moment when traipsing with Jackie through the Buddy Comedy landscape, and treated we are: Hong Kong massage parlor, rich guy’s yacht, and all the way to Chinese-themed Las Vegas casino. They were supposed to be on vacation though! How unfair the world, but what a chance for more hilarious cultural misunderstandings to ensue! What better way to enjoy racial-misunderstandings-light, then to have a yellow and a black make fun of themselves! Black man making fun of yellow man’s penis size. Yellow man making fun of black man’s earlier reference to never touching a black man’s radio. As our hero Chris Tucker states, behind every big crime is a “Rich White Guy,” so too, Hollywood Action Movie. Ah the magic of the moving picture!

True Love and Dating Advice – Leçons de l'amour from the 1980’s

2006-09-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Relationship on the rocks? Love life gone awry? Spending too many Saturday nights alone, washing your hair? Well, dear reader, you have not done your homework. Everything you need to know to have a successful love life you should have learned long ago, in the mid-1980’s.

Examples you ask? But of course! The three most important lessons of the successful love affair can be learned, right here, from:

The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Crocodile Dundee

Lesson 1 - You CAN TOO Change Someone (The Breakfast Club)

Stereotypes are very easy to overcome. High school cliques are only as powerful as the kids who believe in them, so let's break down these walls! All we need is a little pot to lose our inhibitions. Jocks aren't so bad! They feel as sensitively as the nerds do. The bad guy isn't really so "bad" either, in fact, he may even sacrifice himself for the good of everyone else! And people really care about each other! Even though all your actual high school experience may tell you differently, all you need is 8 hours locked in a room together, some drugs, a couple of tears, and some soul searching confessions, and everyone can work out 100 years of high school clique programming. And fall in love. If the object of your desire doesn’t appear to be changing, you really must not be trying hard enough. When all else fails, blame yourself. And try again.

Lesson 2 - Looks Are Everything (Desperately Seeking Susan)

A makeover can, and WILL change everything about your life, because looks are everything. Think your life is boring and unexciting? Well, there’s nothing a quick shopping spree won’t fix. Got your eye on a snazzy, second-hand jacket? Go ahead with that purchase young lady. And what’s this in my pocket - a mysterious key? Well, open your heart to me, crazy black jacket, and let’s see what sort of alter ego we can collaboratively come up with. Whoops! Now I’ve got amnesia! Darn it all. But luckily, I found a suitcase full of crap, black eyeliners, and stolen jewelry, so I can become my own hero: a crazy, flighty, punk rock slut with an affinity for being in the wrong place at the right time. A few misadventures later, and I’ve become Madonna’s best friend, ditched the boring suburban life, and found me the man of my dreams. Thank you, accidental make-over!!

Lesson 3 - Opposites Attract = Smart Dating Advice (Crocodile Dundee)

Bored Newspaper heiress seeks adventure “down under.” Wanted: Craggily faced native for long walk-a-bouts, near death experience by ‘gator, and long, simplistic musings under the light of the Australian moon, eventually ending up in a gratuitous SECOND “fish-out-of-water scenario” in New York City.

Just because you and your new soul mate come from different worlds doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dive head first into the shallow end, attempting to prove everyone else wrong. By all means. What we know from extensive analysis of Crocodile Dundee is this: every major life change one undertakes will end happily. Love conquers all. All you need is love. As long as you are in love, you'll always have a happy ending with a complete stranger after hangin' in the bush for 2 days. And dont be afraid to kick off your shoes, chase down your loved one through the streets of Manhattan, and participate in a romantic, modern-day game of "telephone" in a crowded subway.

Lesson recap: Try to change someone, looks are everything, and happy endings are real. Follow this advice. Follow it to the end, to the death! You will never be disappointed, and your life will be filled with joy. Now go forth, and love someone. Hard.

Rag Tag Technology vs. Impending Doom

2006-09-12T16:50:00.000-07:00

Americans. They are nothing if not resourceful, resolute, and unafraid to look like assholes. Say there is some sort of horrible disaster on the brink of destroying all mankind, like an F-5 tornado, or a meteor the size of Manhattan on a collision course with Earth. Who you gonna call? Not the National Weather Service, NASA or the US Government, for Pete’s sake, but a smarmy bunch of fringe individuals banded together by the common cause of saving the entire region and/or planet with MacGyver type tools, a strong work-ethic, and a can-do attitude. Praise Ye the Lord!!

The Films: Twister, Armageddon

View order importance: Watch in order of escalating disaster potential

Twister: Tornados….the Midwesterner’s worst enemy. Since the dawn of human understanding, when The Wizard of Oz premiered way back in 1939, man has been drawn to and repelled by, fast swirling dusts and winds. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton star together, at last, in the sexiest thriller of the year. Oh, the passion....it almost hurts to watch, as what they feel for each other is beautifully, visually paralleled by the very storm they hunt....as tumultuous is an angry tornado, so is their relationship. They orbit each other, in a dance both elegant and ugly, at once serene, at once ferocious.

Sadly, Bill and Helen are on the verge of divorce, it fact all but one paper is signed. They must band together for one last tornado hunt, utilizing "The Dorothy," the ultimate in tornado understanding machinery. It’s a race against Cary Elwes who's SO obviously only in it for the money, not for the Science. "He's got all the technology but none of the instincts," mumbles sleepy Bill, in his perfected hick accent. Not to mention, this one will somehow bring back Helen's dad, who was, of course, killed by a tornado. That one event, is indeed fueling Helen's fire, to understand, and take revenge on, destructive winds. They can’t raise the dead it seems, but they can save most everyone in the town, something Mr. "Has Got All the Technology" can't manage to do. Dick.

Can they ever again find the passion they once had for storms, and each other? If only they can reconcile their differences in storm hunting. The Curator doesn't want to ruin the end, but....all signs point to yes, that somehow, they will find a way, to be together, again.

Armageddon: The Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer magnum opus. Whenever the Curator reflects on the Bay/Bruckheimer collaboration, the two of them are imagined sitting around a kitchen table at 2 am, drunk on Coors Light and Goldschlager, wives asleep upstairs. Perhaps they are at a family ski retreat, somewhere near Big Bear Mountain. Both wear pinch-rolled acid wash jeans, reindeer sweaters, thick white cotton socks, with shoes removed. Many papers are scattered on the table top, Aerosmith plays (quietly, don’t wake the wives!) on a boom box in the background. There is a whole lot of hushed tones and high-fiving to accompany the exclamations of “DUDE, get this….” and “That is SO awesome! I’ve always wanted to make a movie with Bruce Willis drilling in space!” and “We rule MAN!” Notes are scribbled, check books opened, and the world hence subject to the master works of Bay & Bruckheimer. As it should be.

NASA has discovered a massive meteor is hurtling through space, and about to impact earth in 18 days. Best plan? Drill a hole through said meteor, plant a nuclear devise, and get the Christ out of there. Plan is then presented to Bruce Willis, captain of the raggedy, taggediest bunch of yahoos ever to set drill in ocean bottom. Willis himself says, “This is the best plan you can come up with? You guys are the smartest guys in the world, and this is it?” Indeed. But Bruce won’t let us down. Training for surly men begins, complete with psycho analysis, gravity-free training and the like, and off they go. But not before a tearful goodbye between the two best looking oil rig company employees the world will ever see. Sure enough, things go bad. But a father’s love is not to be denied. He’ll sacrifice himself for not only his daughter’s happiness, but for the good of us all. He saved the whole planet single handedly! Make sure you stay tuned following the credits for the creepiest, cheesiest, lamest, awesome-ist Aerosmith video of all freakin’ time.

Grade: D+ for Disasteriffic!

Can't Get No Respect

2006-09-08T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Films:
The Color of Money, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
A back-to-back mentor bitch slap!

Just when you think your surly pupils couldn't get anymore ungrateful for all your sacrifices, they betray you and beat you at your own game. And try to kill you. Sons-a-bitches.....

One teaches by pool cue, one by light saber, but the story is the same. Where Fast Eddie says, "Money won is twice as sweet as money earned," Vince Lauria and Anakin Skywalker would simultaneously whine, "But it's thrrreeeeee times as AWESOME when you use your mentor’s best moves to trick him, take the easy route through the pool hall/the dark side and THEN win ANYWAY showing all the haters who doubted that I am really SO much better than stupid old meany-pants! That’ll show him not to misunderestimate me again!"

These damn kids, so smug about their "powers," letting their egos get in the way of peace, justice, The Force, and pool hustling. A little humility for the greater good, can we? But no! Whether it’s the short term pay off of 20 bucks in the pocket, or turning to the dark side....sighs....these Senseis get no respect!

Viewing order: Either/or

The Color of Money: Paul Newman sees in Tom Cruise his younger self, an eager, haughty, yet talented 9-Ball player. His hair is perfect, as is his game. What he lacks is discipline, and a wee sense of modesty, all things that Fast Eddie Felson can teach him on a whirlwind, desperate-bid-at-the-fountain-of-youth, pool hall road-trip. If only Vince would play along! Has he learned nothing? Ooooh he’s so smug! Flashing that talent around, showing off. When Eddie gets schooled by Forest Whitaker in front of Vince, the relationship falls apart. There is then a very exciting Battle of the Cues in Atlantic City, where Fast Eddie is at first vindicated by winning the match. Respect your elders, Vince! But that damn kid comes back and throws money in Eddie’s face! Claiming to have “thrown the game.” DAMN IT! How can this never ending cycle be resolved? Eh, let’s hit the road again together.

Moral: Youthful showoffs triumph over old fogey.

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith: It’s been a couple years or so since Anakin got it on legally, albeit secretly, with Padme. Now knockin’ the boots on a semi-regular basis, he turns his dissatisfactory nature to feeling under appreciated at the office. And who is most responsible? Obi-Wan of course. For all he ever did was raise him like a son, teach him everything he knows, and support him for the last 10 years. What a dick!! Anakin is SOOOO sick of Obi-Wan bossing him around, and decides his only way out is a short cut to the top, via the Dark Side Super-Highway. And since you always hurt the ones you love, Obi-Wan has got to go. Light saber Battle Royale ensues on hell-like planet somewhere near the outer rim. Both warriors constantly claim their skill is superior to the other, but Obi-Wan declares victory, claiming he has the “higher ground.” But Anakin shows him. Never mind his lack of legs, arms and skin. Dude gets remade into the biggest, baddest, blackest half man, half robot that side of the Milky Way, and Obi-Wan has to go kick it in the deserts of Tatooine for the next 20 years, drowning his sorrows in the dive bars of Mos Eisley, again the reluctant father.

Moral: The high road leads to a long fall. Live fast, burn young, and become a bad ass.

Grade: F for Fuckin’ Ungrateful Brats!!

Disaster on the High Sea!

2006-09-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

The Films: Titanic, U-571, The Poseidon Adventure (1972), Jaws

Nary a video library would be complete without the requisite collection of PERIOD DISASTER FILMS with a focus on water-related catastrophe. Sit back, relax, shovel the chum, and enjoy the misery of others forced to confront their worst fears and inadequacies in times of stress.

Viewing order importance: Suggested as above; it’s really nice to follow the intended period progression of the films. Have some respect.

Titanic: The mother of all water disasters can be upstaged by nothing....other than Leo Dicaprio's fierce, undying love. The force of the love vapors emanating from his “passion” are strong enough to both sink, and raise, ships. An entertaining disaster film effectively ruined by the horrendously predictable boy-meets-girl story. But…that sweaty hand print on the window of the car during the beautiful, intensely meaningful love-making of Jack and Rose really does "get me every time." If you know what I mean.
But James Cameron got his in the end.
Literally.

U-571: "His body is gonna save our lives," drawls master and commander Matthew McConaughey, as he shoots Jon Bon Jovi out of a missile tube into the North Atlantic. Under McConaughey’s skillful guidance, we finally get to see Bill Paxton die. And Tom Guiry. And a bunch of Nazi jerk-offs. And pretty much the rest of the crew. Harvey Keitel gets really sweaty, but survives, one of the most un-exciting Submarine disaster movies of all time.

Poseidon Adventure: It must be stated that the Curator loves Gene Hackman, especially the 1970's, tight-shirted, intense Gene as unconventional preacher. The ill-fated boat tips over when a "rouge wave" hits right as the ball drops. Thankfully it stays afloat long enough for a 2 hour action-dramedy to ensue. Complete with plenty of angry, red-faced confrontation between Ernest Borgnine and Gene, who eventually gives his own life to save a young Pamela Sue Martin. The early years of Dynasty would never have been the same without her, had she not survived the Poseidon Adventure. God bless you and your sacrifice Gene!

Jaws: It is really a shame that Roy Scheider hasn’t been around much these days. (though according to IMDB he never really left.) The New Jersey native is perfectly matched against an ultra-killer shark. It may seem at first that the 2 foes have too much in common to really hate each other: smooth white skin, winning smiles, an impeccable sense of style, and top notch scoring in the sack. But if there is anything we have learned from Dollar Video History, there can only be one hot shot in a given 2 hour time slot. Sorry Jawsie, you're going down. Smile you son of a bitch!

Alexander Godunov, Co-Star Extraordinaire

2006-09-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

The Films: Witness, The Money Pit

Viewing Order: Either/Or

The short co-starring career of Alexander Godunov was abruptly brought to an end one sad morning in 1995, when he succumbed to a sweet, numbing, alcohol related syndrome. The Dollar Video Curator can relate. But who weeps for Alexander Godunov?

Whether as the egomaniacal, awesome maestro in The Money Pit, or the humble Amish, barn-building Daniel in Witness, Godunov gave you his all, blond hair softly floating in contrast to his rough, angular face. He may have reached greater stardom as Karl, the semi-psychopathic terrorist in the critically acclaimed Die Hard, but the Curator chooses to celebrate Godunov as Co-Star Extraordinaire: emotional, understated, on the sideline, explosive.

Witness - Gaze past Harrison Ford and who do we see there in the background, waiting to steal the show? Yes, that's Viggo Mortenson, but behind him? Godunov the Great, as Simple Amish Man. No buttons for him, he's not proud like that. But he's waited long enough for Kelly McGillis, through husband, death and mourning. Not even Harrison can stand in the way of his raw, animal need. Godunov wants him some of that strange.

The Money Pit - Now Godunov plays the only man standing between true happiness for Shelley Long and Tom Hanks. Their struggle to re-build their shitty house reflects, yes, the struggle of maintaining their relationship. The obstacles? Not rotten wood, horny plumbers or a lack of running water, but Godunov, the statuesque symbol of 1980’s perfection: blond, foreign and rich. Even when performing the unrealistic task of attempting to lure away the dumpy Shelley Long, Godunov gives us his all. Fortunately for him, she marries Hanks in the end.

Alexander Godunov lives on as Co-Star Extraordinaire, not soon forgotten by the Dollar Video Curator.

The Lone Terrorist

2006-09-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

The Films: Speed, In the Line of Fire, Arlington Road

The terrorists want you to be afraid. But once you succumb to fear, they have already won. Don't let the terrorists, lone or otherwise, win. The only thing we have to fear is bad, melodramatic acting.

Viewing order importance: Low. Getting there is half the battle.

Speed: Pop quiz hotshot. You have Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock and Jeff Daniels in the fight of their lives against a crazy ex-cop on a speeding bus. What do you do...what do you do? Keanu in his seminal roll against the big bad bus (and the big bad elevator and the big bad train.) The film that launched a thousand parodies, and as unfortunate, Sandra Bullock's career.

In the Line of Fire: Eastwood vs. Malcovich. Good vs. Evil. Crazy vs. cah-razy! Malcovich is the stereotypical genius whack-job vexed by the Pres., and Eastwood is his equal as the salty old fart who can't get over his past failure. Watch it if only to hear Clint say "You've got a rendezvous with my ass!"

Arlington Road: The lone terrorist. That's what they WANT you to believe. Tim Robbins ain't no sucka. He's got a whole army of nut-jobs working to bring down the government. He'll just pin it on the poor Jeff Bridges, in a mopey, paranoid roll. As far as the Dollar Video Curator is concerned, he set himself up to be the fall guy. The Dude abides.

Grade: B for (its the) Bomb Baby!

Good cop/Bad cop/Good cop/Bad cop

2006-09-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

The Films: Serpico, Usual Suspects, Bullitt, Face-Off

In any movie police scenario, the classic interrogation technique, "Good Cop/Bad Cop" is a necessity. Why would you sit down to watch a quadrilogy of police movies any other way?

Viewing order importance: Mid to High. Watch in any Good Cop/Bad Cop alternating order. Feel free to punch yourself in the face, sweat it out under the hot light and then reward yourself with a cup of shitty coffee throughout.

Serpico: Good cop Serpico ultimately triumphs against the all bad police force of the NYPD. Dressed like a stinkin' hippie under-cover cop, he refuses to take the money, and the whole force turns on him. No good dead goes unpunished.

Usual Suspects: Ultra-villain Dean Keaton is a bad-cop-turned-capitalist-with-a-heart-of-gold who gets sucked in for the classic "one last job". Gets framed as ultra-ultra villain Kaiser Soze while Kevin Spacey limps off into the sunset.

Bullitt: Steve McQueen as good cop Bullitt against the corrupt politicians and Mafia boogie men of San Francisco. It was to be a simple assignment, but it goes awry. Contains car-chase awesomeness.

Face-Off: Good cop/bad cop/good cop/bad cop, etc. Impossible plastic surgery techniques pave the way for face switching. Hide your identity! Trick all sides! The ultimate in under-cover police work, until the bad guy figures out how to do it too. Which is good? Which is bad? Also, Joan Allen gets laid by Nicholas Cage in John Travolta's body. Brrr......

Rated PG for Please God! More cop movies!

Deadly Beasts

2006-08-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

The films: Jurassic Park, Outbreak, and Godzilla (1998)

Viewing order importance: Viewing schedule as above; suggests evolution of the varying animals.

Animal against human. Nature versus technology. Interfering where one shouldn't = deadly destruction. These are the warnings of the above trilogy. And warned you should be. If there is anything to be learned by this series it is that humans meddle, and that nature is a bitch no matter what millinium your species is from.

Jurassic Park - Man stupidly clones dinosaurs, makes family themed park, people get eaten. Highest paid stars escape intact.

Outbreak – Men stupidly deforest Africa, unleash scariest virus ever, blow-up village to cover it up. Patrick Dempsy’s greed brings virus to US in cute monkey disguise. Hilarity ensues. Prettiest star gets the antidote. Not so, Kevin Spacey.

Godzilla (1998) – Thinly veiled anti-immigration film. Matthew Broderick’s earthworm science fair project gets interrupted by nuclear grown lizard. Lizard illegally immigrates to the US to have children, attempting to bypass US immigration law. Matthew Broderick “deports” Godzilla and his 200 babies. Includes bizarrely placed cast of The Simpsons.

Grade = A for Awesome. Animals rule.

Stay Tuned

2006-08-23T14:12:00.000-07:00

Coming soon....movie reviews and pairings from the Dollar Video Curator.